Jan 29, 2005 15:10
[13:59] RoninTetsuro1280: alliance or Horde?
[14:00] YDKCooKiE: Horde
[14:00] YDKCooKiE: Tauren Hunter
[14:00] RoninTetsuro1280: Good man
[14:00] RoninTetsuro1280: I don't want no truck with Alliance scum
[14:01] RoninTetsuro1280: I find it sad that a game has turned me into a racist
[14:01] YDKCooKiE: Kern got me into the game yesterday... I quit FFIX
[14:01] YDKCooKiE: Er, XI
[14:01] RoninTetsuro1280: I actually turn up my nose in disgust whenever someone crows about being a Human Paladin
[14:01] RoninTetsuro1280: good for you
[14:01] YDKCooKiE: Tradeskills are a lot fucking easier in this game
[14:02] RoninTetsuro1280: hells yes
[14:02] RoninTetsuro1280: there's a lot that's easier in this game
[14:02] YDKCooKiE: I'll create an alliance Healer probably, but on a different server.
[14:02] RoninTetsuro1280: Just don't go pally before the nerf bat hits or you will be loathed
[14:03] RoninTetsuro1280: I'll put it to you this way.....
[14:03] YDKCooKiE: I don't like being a Paladin
[14:03] RoninTetsuro1280: a level 20 paladin can take on two level 25 characters of any horde type and WIN
[14:03] RoninTetsuro1280: consistently
[14:03] RoninTetsuro1280: it's very fucking obnoxious
[14:04] YDKCooKiE: Yeesh.
[14:04] YDKCooKiE: that would piss me off
[14:04] YDKCooKiE: Christ... I'm already 37 leatherworking
[14:04] RoninTetsuro1280: so of course there are hordes of paladins roaming the lowbie towns offing any PC that moves
[14:04] RoninTetsuro1280: nice
[14:05] YDKCooKiE: This game realism wise for graphics isn't quite like FFXI... but in general aesthetic value, this one wins out
[14:05] RoninTetsuro1280: yeah
[14:05] RoninTetsuro1280: there's lots of things that Blizzard did right with this game
[14:05] RoninTetsuro1280: and they outweigh the bad
[14:05] RoninTetsuro1280: so I keep the bitching to a minimum
[14:05] RoninTetsuro1280: they did their homework
[14:05] RoninTetsuro1280: <- 37 rouge here
[14:06] RoninTetsuro1280: Cuz rouges do it from behind, baby
[14:07] YDKCooKiE: lol
[14:07] YDKCooKiE: That's damn funny.
[14:07] YDKCooKiE: I like the game a lot though, glad I switched. Last night I wasn't too impressed, but I definitely am getting there now
[14:08] YDKCooKiE: I'll have to quit soon though, need to do CCNA studying ><
[14:11] RoninTetsuro1280: lol
[14:11] RoninTetsuro1280: I might have to soon too
[14:11] RoninTetsuro1280: no job to pay for it
[14:11] RoninTetsuro1280: least not yet
[14:11] YDKCooKiE: I've got the books if you want to use them
[14:11] RoninTetsuro1280: I'm getting some serious work at rent-a-coder these days
[14:12] RoninTetsuro1280: no no
[14:12] RoninTetsuro1280: I mean quit WoW
[14:12] YDKCooKiE: Huh. That sucks
[14:13] RoninTetsuro1280: not so much
[14:13] RoninTetsuro1280: I'm starting to understand how life works.
[14:13] RoninTetsuro1280: So I don't sweat it.
[14:13] YDKCooKiE: How does life work?
[14:14] RoninTetsuro1280: It's really strange
[14:14] RoninTetsuro1280: and it might be the afterglow from a good night
[14:14] RoninTetsuro1280: but I think....
[14:14] RoninTetsuro1280: you come to a point in your life where you realize that you have enough good things around you
[14:14] RoninTetsuro1280: that you're going to be okay
[14:14] RoninTetsuro1280: as long as you keep your head about you
[14:14] RoninTetsuro1280: and don't lose heart
[14:15] RoninTetsuro1280: you are going to be okay
[14:15] RoninTetsuro1280: no matter how bad that okay might be
[14:15] RoninTetsuro1280: it's still okay
[14:15] RoninTetsuro1280: I don't know if that makes any sense
[14:15] RoninTetsuro1280: but it's starting to click for me
[14:15] RoninTetsuro1280: *shrug*
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Only the unspoken, unconditional love of a woman who is so everything to me can create the clarity of mind to find peace at this point in my life. I could thank her forever and at the end she would just smile and tell me I'm retarded and we'd laugh until the tears drown us still smiling on the couch. And I'd carry her scent on my soul into eternity, feeling full and invincable against all foes.
I can't love her, but it's going to happen like clockwork. How long has it been? Since I could say I've loved and been loved in return? The amount of struggling, the pain, the broken promises and empty phone calls. The trinkets and flowers given and dinners half consumed. The false hellos and salty not quite goodbyes. The vacant preformances of lewd acts in the back room... not lovers, just actors... playing thier parts, both of us. All the games played and lost... all the courage built to get back up out of the dirt and the bottle. And so god help me, even after this long, long road of losing and learning... when she opens that door, I know I'm ready. How long has it been? I have to study the evidence that is my life and say never. So how can I know? How can I look at this woman and love her enough to not tell her until we're both ready? When did this unholy patience, this calm well up in me and fortify my emotions like steel?
I can't explain, how would I begin? To tell you that I've known her 4 years and only just now met her? To have been in lust with her first and now on the cusp of love, never having done more than watch her sleep and touch the small of her back? How the small noises she make when she sleeps tell me of the secrets of the universe? Of the moments when our eyes lock too long and hopeless begins to set in, it's more delicious than popcorn movie fear? How dare you peel these words form me, these intimate moments are the fabric of our universe. How simple of me to believe I can make people understand. I would take it all back if I could but keep from writing it down. I'll go mad if I don't.
I'm sure that it's actually more simple than this. In day to day practice, it has to be. If I told these things to her, and she confirmed them, perhaps that universe I glimpse visions of in her eyes would become our only viable reality. I Adam, she Eve, and the rest of creation unformed shadows of little consequence. Even now as I sit here, I realize that I've got it bad, and I'm sure when I re-read this I will want to delete it. But this thing too, this foolish and irresponsible running on, she has given to me by proxy. How can I believe the things I say come to me unaided by powers larger than me? You should see it from my angle, just now. No coherent thought in my head, just fingers accosting plastic. And somehow, this mind manages to already be 7 to 8 thoughts ahead of what is appearing before my bewildered eyes. No, it can't be that I am betraying myself and putting to words these things I should not, cannot feel. Not now. It was already a hell of a thing to have this happen to me completely unexpected, and then to immediately afterward play my own Judas is almost too much. I've had this impending sense for a few months now that I was approaching a crossroads in my life, but I was unaware that there would be so many battlefronts when I arrived. This path ends here, and somewhere through this fog of war is my new destination. And just when hope was becoming threadbare, this brilliant angel with no less blood on her hands than I lifts me up above. The path is no clearer from here, and I'm bleeding horribly. But through the science and glory of her existance, I'm finding the will and the strength to go on when I believed it had left me for dead long, long ago.
I'm sure it's been posed this way before, in fact I'm almost certian: I'm starting to believe that love is a madness. You can lust someone easy enough, or like them enough to get engaged and married. But love is some kind of wonderful sickness that makes you sweat from the fear of being found out and locked away. It feels in such a way as to be not... quite right, there is almost a gleeful guilt that I feel. How am I to mix with my everyday associates and hide this? Surely I will be like a teenaged druggie, trying to maintain some semblance of nomality and believing I'm succeeding until I begin to recognize the sideways looks and sly remarks from others indicating that THEY KNOW. My roommate already knows, since he is the closest any human will ever get to ground zero. And this guilt is partly because I am now complete where others are not, but also because I always created this stone hard persona of being ungodly strong enough to fight this battle of life with out help. And with a wrecking ball, my angel has destroyed my jaded perspective. How could I have ever believed I could live any other way and be decent, be whole, be okay? Who wants to be OKAY? Not like that. Never again like that. It's sad, and not right. And I'm seeing it this way for the first time from the outside, being so removed from myself. I pity the past me for having stumbled in the dark willingly for so long. He is long dead and never saw it coming. I'm glad he had a humane end, he deserved that much. Every day is fucking new for me. And for her, I'm going to live it that way.
She's calling me tonight to hang out, after we spent all evening and most of this morning together. Until I got home today at noonish, I hadn't eaten since 9 yeaterday morning. This thing is dangerous, and I must keep watch over myself to make sure I stay healthy. Even if this passes and it's not all I make it out to be, I feel infinitely stronger for what she has already done to and for me. And this, I sense, is even more the name of the game than the euphoria I'm in now. That assurance gives me more of a sense of well being than anything else in the world. I always was bitter about other people taking something like this for granted, not so much because they were hurting themselves, but because I felt cheated that they had this to throw away, and what did I have? I felt like nothing, and then found everything. DO you have any idea what that's like? Like blind men seeing the Sistine Chapel first thing into the world of sight. If the tears would come, I would wash my face in them and laugh like a manfinally free of shackles he didn't knwo he put there himsself. My god, nothing on this earthly plane could have prepared me for the grip this would take upon me.
If you remember your journey to Quiddity after you wake up, do you become a God? Who's going to save me if this is true?
Her name is Sue.