What to do?
I guess this entry is really just an excercise in futiluty. I'm not really certain why I'm writing it myself. The past months have gone by like blurrs, full of tumultuous events. What I've decidely found the most interesting is my desire to shape my life and my absolute inability to do anything about it. It all really lies in whether or not I'll act on the desire to be more selfish. I just don't have a plan...
I could do as my friend has and save up money then, go on trips. However, that is reliant upon the eventuallity of having to come back to a place where I can stay to earn more money without having to waste it. I can't really consider this possiblity because I don't want to depend on anyone else. I wish that I could have a place all my own to call home, that would still be waiting for me when I come back from a trip. Why does everything in life have to be so monetairily-dependant?. I'm so sick of it all, I find myself praying for a catastrophe that I only half-heartedly wish for. Stupid caring-for-human-lives....that needs to go too.
Oh well, it's not in my blood to give up at anything I do so, I'm going to dedicate myself to finding a way to make it happen. The biggest issue remains, how to make money on the road. I've got no idea about how to do this except, becoming a drifter and doing odd-jobs at stores and diners whenever I roll into a new town. Why can't I win the goddamn lottery...if there's anyone who deserves it, it's me! ME,ME,ME!.
Alright enough of that spontaneous self-indulgence. I have a fucked up leg, yay! I hurt myself 5 days ago in Inwood forest but, it's almost healed, it's another thing dampering my progress. I was supposed to go to Maine this week but, if that doesn't take care of itself, I don't see it happening. Besides the issue of money remains. I'm once more running low and I don't want to have to resort to my measely 400$ stash for a rainy day. There's really no reason for me to even have a stash, I've tried asking myself what purpose it serves but, to no avail. I think that what I'm really saving the money for is the day that I have a dramatic, tremenduous breakdown and run off into the night.
This summer has been weird, only my very best friends have stuck by me. Others who claim to be that have been very cold fish. I find it it unfortunate but, it fits well with my theory about me being alone forever. The Ronin is the wave-man and the world is his oceans, he must wash across them alone, I believe. Well, not SO alone but, relatively.
Every time I've had the desire to go out, I stop myself. When I realize what will come of it, I never go through with it. I mean really, what's the point?, I go outside, spend some time in a place with nothing to do,I sit there waste my day and meet noone. I'm too socially inept to speak to anyone, I mean at all. When I was at Inwood forest with that Wizard-boy the other day, it really hit me. We had made it to the edge of the river, a place where he likes to come and think but, there were people there. If I had been alone, I would have crept up and seen them then, just walked on somewhere else. Instead, Rob just goes right up and starts talking to those people. I can't stand people, foreign to me or not, hahaha. Man, they just ruin everything and these two were nice...
Whatever, I think better go and take care of some things that I "have" to do now. Later taters.
I could do as my friend has and save up money then, go on trips. However, that is reliant upon the eventuallity of having to come back to a place where I can stay to earn more money without having to waste it. I can't really consider this possiblity because I don't want to depend on anyone else. I wish that I could have a place all my own to call home, that would still be waiting for me when I come back from a trip. Why does everything in life have to be so monetairily-dependant?. I'm so sick of it all, I find myself praying for a catastrophe that I only half-heartedly wish for. Stupid caring-for-human-lives....that needs to go too.
Oh well, it's not in my blood to give up at anything I do so, I'm going to dedicate myself to finding a way to make it happen. The biggest issue remains, how to make money on the road. I've got no idea about how to do this except, becoming a drifter and doing odd-jobs at stores and diners whenever I roll into a new town. Why can't I win the goddamn lottery...if there's anyone who deserves it, it's me! ME,ME,ME!.
Alright enough of that spontaneous self-indulgence. I have a fucked up leg, yay! I hurt myself 5 days ago in Inwood forest but, it's almost healed, it's another thing dampering my progress. I was supposed to go to Maine this week but, if that doesn't take care of itself, I don't see it happening. Besides the issue of money remains. I'm once more running low and I don't want to have to resort to my measely 400$ stash for a rainy day. There's really no reason for me to even have a stash, I've tried asking myself what purpose it serves but, to no avail. I think that what I'm really saving the money for is the day that I have a dramatic, tremenduous breakdown and run off into the night.
This summer has been weird, only my very best friends have stuck by me. Others who claim to be that have been very cold fish. I find it it unfortunate but, it fits well with my theory about me being alone forever. The Ronin is the wave-man and the world is his oceans, he must wash across them alone, I believe. Well, not SO alone but, relatively.
Every time I've had the desire to go out, I stop myself. When I realize what will come of it, I never go through with it. I mean really, what's the point?, I go outside, spend some time in a place with nothing to do,I sit there waste my day and meet noone. I'm too socially inept to speak to anyone, I mean at all. When I was at Inwood forest with that Wizard-boy the other day, it really hit me. We had made it to the edge of the river, a place where he likes to come and think but, there were people there. If I had been alone, I would have crept up and seen them then, just walked on somewhere else. Instead, Rob just goes right up and starts talking to those people. I can't stand people, foreign to me or not, hahaha. Man, they just ruin everything and these two were nice...
Whatever, I think better go and take care of some things that I "have" to do now. Later taters.