Finally Using This Thing...
So I've decided to finally use this journal to express myself or whatever. Usually, when I do things like this I feel whiny or pathetic, but I need an outlet right now.
Yesterday I got on the scale and I was 4 pounds heavier than two weeks ago. Needless to say I felt stupid, ugly, and guilty. I finally got down to my weight before San Antonio and now I've fucked it up by eating crap and sitting around. I'm at the point where I'm scared to eat anything. I had grapes when I got home and then my dad made me a bowl of fruit with oranges, strawberries, and more grapes and I was really annoyed at him for trying to be nice to me. I ate it to make him happy and so I could tell my mom I ate something since she wanted to buy me dinner.
My weight is practically always on my mind and I just want it to stop. My mom found out why I was so moody and told me there was nothing I could do about it and she'd stick her fingers down my throat if I wanted. I then proceeded to get hysterical and sobbed for about 10 minutes before I could start breathing normally again. She just doesn't understand how much she hurt me. How much I fight it. It's like, since I'm not skinny I must not have a problem. Also, my dad told me that there are a lot of 'heavy' girl he thinks are pretty. Grrr.
I know I'm better than this. I just can't let it go. I feel like I'm losing myself and I don't know how to stop it.