Chuck Norris
my brother and i both got up at 9am today with no alarm. the only difference is, i went back to sleep. HAAHHAHAHA
i WAS going to post an entry that would be life changing to all who read it and introduce a new era of peace and prosperity.
but my seifuu noodles009 posted a funny chuck norris entry that made me piss myself laughing. so here it is:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet
for Chuck Norris.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his
name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing
this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
has not had to pay taxes ever.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can
actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in
the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972
Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
i WAS going to post an entry that would be life changing to all who read it and introduce a new era of peace and prosperity.
but my seifuu noodles009 posted a funny chuck norris entry that made me piss myself laughing. so here it is:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different
kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet
for Chuck Norris.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his
name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing
this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
has not had to pay taxes ever.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can
actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in
the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972
Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.