Tempting Fate
“I’m not happy.”
“You’re not /what/?!?”
“I’m not happy.”
“So, what part of your life- exactly- are you unhappy about? The part that has you fighting and drinking for a living? Perhaps the part about a love life that includes any Sleeper woman you take a fancy to, and several- damn near all- the most impressive women in the Awakened world? Maybe the fact that your brother is Awakened now, too, so you have someone to talk to? Or is it simpler than that- just the fact of being alive despite being a moron on occasions too numerous to count, when I had to take care of you?”
“No, look, it’s not like that. It’s that I don’t have a focus, any real goals.”
“That is a lie, and you know it. You love freely and take care of those you love. Want me to name names? Alibi, Eris, Lachesis, Shine, Winter… any of those names ring a bell? Stop me when I hit one that works for you- Sojourner, Jinx, Psyche, Lethe, Asha, Sagira… anything?”
“Yes. You’re deliberately missing the point, but you left out Kithira. And you left out Merlin. You always leave out Merlin.”
“And you always bring her up! To Hell with Merlin! If you loved her so much, why don’t you know where she is now? How many times have you seen her in the past five years? Once? Dammit, what will it take for you to accept that your life is a damn good one, and enjoy it?”
“I try, and I do most of the time. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s just that…”
“That what? That you want to seek after some grand and glorious quest? There is no quest you’re going to find that’s more grand and glorious than caring for the people you love. You want examples that aren’t women? Fine- Asmodeus, to start with- you took his side against the majority of the Arrow, for no reason more than he’s your friend and you accepted that he did what he did for a good reason. Chance. Nightstick. Argent. Hell, not killing Jericho when you found out that he’d helped let out a contract on Eris’ life should qualify you for sainthood! You’re one of the handful who sees something decent in Smoke, instead of just something they can use. Remember talking about suicide with Raphael? You do a damn lot of good, and not just with your fists. But you’re too stubborn and shortsighted to see it. Instead, you want something like a movie, cast in a fantasy hero role where you do all these things, overcome all these obstacles, and triumph in the end. Let me tell you something- you already are in that role. You just don’t have a clean, simple storyline that you’ve been able to follow.”
“Are you saying that I’m too stupid?”
“Of course I am, you lummox- no human, Awakened or Sleeper, can follow all that! But you have to trust me that there is a purpose here, and that there is a plan. You’re accomplishing great and glorious things when you do all these unrelated things along the way- it’s just hard to see the big picture. Too hard for anyone this side of Oracles, at a minimum- maybe more. But that doesn’t mean that there is no pattern. You, of all people, ought to know better than that. Or was Dippy right about you- that you can’t see the forest for the trees?”
“Maybe. She’s been known to be right sometimes, even if she is flaky. And she goes by Alexandria now.”
“I don’t care if she goes by Minnie Mouse now! Who’s deliberately missing the point /now/?”
“All right. I get it. Everything would be just fine if I only accept that you have a plan, and that I ought to just go along with it, and try to enjoy myself along the way.”
“You’re getting it. There’s more to it than that, but that’s a decent start to sorting it all out.”
“No.”
“Yes, it’s true, you really are getting it.”
“I didn’t mean ‘No, I’m not getting it.’ I mean ‘No, I’m not going to do that.’”
“You… what…?”
“I’m not going to just idly let you handle everything, and do what comes my way. I’m going to take a more active hand in my own life, in making decisions- and deciding what decisions I’ll make, too.”
“You… don’t… trust me?”
“I trust you. But this is something I need to do, and I’m not going to be happy unless I do. If I’m wrong, you get to say ‘I told you so.’”
“Again.”
“Yes. Again. You’ve been right any number of times, and gotten to say ‘I told you so.’ Any number of times, too. You’re smarter than I am. But this is still something that I’m doing.”
“Even though I’m telling you that you- and everyone else- would be better off if you didn’t, and you say that you trust me.”
“Yes. I trust you. I love you. But I’m still going to do this.”
“All right. I love you, too… you fool. Do what you have to do, just like always. And I’ll be here for you, just like always. Though I’m not going to work to make it easier on you to go be stupid.”
“I didn’t expect you to. You never have before.”
“Fine. So what’s your plan, Einstein?”
“I don’t have one yet. But I’ve decided that I will, and that’s a start.”
“You’re not /what/?!?”
“I’m not happy.”
“So, what part of your life- exactly- are you unhappy about? The part that has you fighting and drinking for a living? Perhaps the part about a love life that includes any Sleeper woman you take a fancy to, and several- damn near all- the most impressive women in the Awakened world? Maybe the fact that your brother is Awakened now, too, so you have someone to talk to? Or is it simpler than that- just the fact of being alive despite being a moron on occasions too numerous to count, when I had to take care of you?”
“No, look, it’s not like that. It’s that I don’t have a focus, any real goals.”
“That is a lie, and you know it. You love freely and take care of those you love. Want me to name names? Alibi, Eris, Lachesis, Shine, Winter… any of those names ring a bell? Stop me when I hit one that works for you- Sojourner, Jinx, Psyche, Lethe, Asha, Sagira… anything?”
“Yes. You’re deliberately missing the point, but you left out Kithira. And you left out Merlin. You always leave out Merlin.”
“And you always bring her up! To Hell with Merlin! If you loved her so much, why don’t you know where she is now? How many times have you seen her in the past five years? Once? Dammit, what will it take for you to accept that your life is a damn good one, and enjoy it?”
“I try, and I do most of the time. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s just that…”
“That what? That you want to seek after some grand and glorious quest? There is no quest you’re going to find that’s more grand and glorious than caring for the people you love. You want examples that aren’t women? Fine- Asmodeus, to start with- you took his side against the majority of the Arrow, for no reason more than he’s your friend and you accepted that he did what he did for a good reason. Chance. Nightstick. Argent. Hell, not killing Jericho when you found out that he’d helped let out a contract on Eris’ life should qualify you for sainthood! You’re one of the handful who sees something decent in Smoke, instead of just something they can use. Remember talking about suicide with Raphael? You do a damn lot of good, and not just with your fists. But you’re too stubborn and shortsighted to see it. Instead, you want something like a movie, cast in a fantasy hero role where you do all these things, overcome all these obstacles, and triumph in the end. Let me tell you something- you already are in that role. You just don’t have a clean, simple storyline that you’ve been able to follow.”
“Are you saying that I’m too stupid?”
“Of course I am, you lummox- no human, Awakened or Sleeper, can follow all that! But you have to trust me that there is a purpose here, and that there is a plan. You’re accomplishing great and glorious things when you do all these unrelated things along the way- it’s just hard to see the big picture. Too hard for anyone this side of Oracles, at a minimum- maybe more. But that doesn’t mean that there is no pattern. You, of all people, ought to know better than that. Or was Dippy right about you- that you can’t see the forest for the trees?”
“Maybe. She’s been known to be right sometimes, even if she is flaky. And she goes by Alexandria now.”
“I don’t care if she goes by Minnie Mouse now! Who’s deliberately missing the point /now/?”
“All right. I get it. Everything would be just fine if I only accept that you have a plan, and that I ought to just go along with it, and try to enjoy myself along the way.”
“You’re getting it. There’s more to it than that, but that’s a decent start to sorting it all out.”
“No.”
“Yes, it’s true, you really are getting it.”
“I didn’t mean ‘No, I’m not getting it.’ I mean ‘No, I’m not going to do that.’”
“You… what…?”
“I’m not going to just idly let you handle everything, and do what comes my way. I’m going to take a more active hand in my own life, in making decisions- and deciding what decisions I’ll make, too.”
“You… don’t… trust me?”
“I trust you. But this is something I need to do, and I’m not going to be happy unless I do. If I’m wrong, you get to say ‘I told you so.’”
“Again.”
“Yes. Again. You’ve been right any number of times, and gotten to say ‘I told you so.’ Any number of times, too. You’re smarter than I am. But this is still something that I’m doing.”
“Even though I’m telling you that you- and everyone else- would be better off if you didn’t, and you say that you trust me.”
“Yes. I trust you. I love you. But I’m still going to do this.”
“All right. I love you, too… you fool. Do what you have to do, just like always. And I’ll be here for you, just like always. Though I’m not going to work to make it easier on you to go be stupid.”
“I didn’t expect you to. You never have before.”
“Fine. So what’s your plan, Einstein?”
“I don’t have one yet. But I’ve decided that I will, and that’s a start.”