Dear Future Boyfriend....
Dear Future Boyfriend,
I usually write my apologetic letters AFTER the big messy break-up, but I'll save us both time and write said letter now, before you've met me, before I know you, and before things get started (and ultimately) finished.
I'm sorry about everything.
I'm sorry about working all the time and never really having time to hang out. I have two jobs. I bought you a fucking Wii. I thought that would make up for it. I guess it didn't....
I'm sorry that my diet almost entirely consists of cabbage, beans, and eggs.
I'm sorry about my parents.
And my roommates.....
I apologize for occasionally making out with girls. I'm actually not bisexual. Of course I like your penis. But when I'm drunk, I do stupid things, and I thought you were like most guys and you would like it. You didn't. I'm sorry. On a side note, are you gay?
I'm sorry for expecting you to hold my hands in the porta-poddy so that my ass cheeks wouldn't touch the seat during that Radiohead concert. I thought you wouldn't mind. And I mean, I would do the same for you, except you pee standing up and thus have never encountered that problem.
I'm sorry for telling you you kiss like a fish. And that your breath smells like dog food. I made a terrible assumption when that bag of dog food on the kitchen floor was half empty, especially since, you know, we don't have a dog.
I'm sorry that your Mom loves me. She's really gonna miss me, isn't she? Especially since your next girlfriend will undoubtedly be an ungrateful, God-unfearing donkey with a broken uterus.
I'm sorry for dropping inappropriately racist, sexist, and otherwise politically incorrect statements around sensitive ears. The truth is, I love black people. I'd invite them over for some cocktails, but I really can't stand the smell of fried chicken and grits.
Barack Obama.
I'm sorry for making you eat pineapple all the time. It's just that if you want me to swallow EVERY SINGLE time, we've got to work on improving the taste. All I wanted......was to make you happy.
I'm sorry for buying the extra-small condoms. Of course I love your penis. But they were on sale, and I am a pseudo-Jew.
Plus, it ain't that big.
But it's cute!
Finally, I'm just really sorry about everything, and I hope we can be friends. I think you're a great person. In fact, if you ever want to have a few drinks, and like, fool around with no strings attached, give me a call. I actually do that with my ex-boyfriends all the time.
Of course, never when we were together......
Of course I'll still bake you cookies.
Love,
Noelle
I usually write my apologetic letters AFTER the big messy break-up, but I'll save us both time and write said letter now, before you've met me, before I know you, and before things get started (and ultimately) finished.
I'm sorry about everything.
I'm sorry about working all the time and never really having time to hang out. I have two jobs. I bought you a fucking Wii. I thought that would make up for it. I guess it didn't....
I'm sorry that my diet almost entirely consists of cabbage, beans, and eggs.
I'm sorry about my parents.
And my roommates.....
I apologize for occasionally making out with girls. I'm actually not bisexual. Of course I like your penis. But when I'm drunk, I do stupid things, and I thought you were like most guys and you would like it. You didn't. I'm sorry. On a side note, are you gay?
I'm sorry for expecting you to hold my hands in the porta-poddy so that my ass cheeks wouldn't touch the seat during that Radiohead concert. I thought you wouldn't mind. And I mean, I would do the same for you, except you pee standing up and thus have never encountered that problem.
I'm sorry for telling you you kiss like a fish. And that your breath smells like dog food. I made a terrible assumption when that bag of dog food on the kitchen floor was half empty, especially since, you know, we don't have a dog.
I'm sorry that your Mom loves me. She's really gonna miss me, isn't she? Especially since your next girlfriend will undoubtedly be an ungrateful, God-unfearing donkey with a broken uterus.
I'm sorry for dropping inappropriately racist, sexist, and otherwise politically incorrect statements around sensitive ears. The truth is, I love black people. I'd invite them over for some cocktails, but I really can't stand the smell of fried chicken and grits.
Barack Obama.
I'm sorry for making you eat pineapple all the time. It's just that if you want me to swallow EVERY SINGLE time, we've got to work on improving the taste. All I wanted......was to make you happy.
I'm sorry for buying the extra-small condoms. Of course I love your penis. But they were on sale, and I am a pseudo-Jew.
Plus, it ain't that big.
But it's cute!
Finally, I'm just really sorry about everything, and I hope we can be friends. I think you're a great person. In fact, if you ever want to have a few drinks, and like, fool around with no strings attached, give me a call. I actually do that with my ex-boyfriends all the time.
Of course, never when we were together......
Of course I'll still bake you cookies.
Love,
Noelle