FIC: Between Two Rooms (1/1) Brothers & Sisters
TITLE: Between Two Rooms
AUTHOR: Laura Smith
Rating: PG13
SUMMARY: 303. Brothers & Sisters, Saul, Pre-series: Kevin is outed by his sister, and Saul feels guilty for still lying about himself.
DISCLAIMER: Brothers & Sisters and all the characters therein belong to people who are not me. I make no profit from this, I just like playing with them.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to inlovewithnight for the beta. Written for the lgbtfest. It's due to be posted tomorrow, but I'm going out of town, so you guys get it a day early.
Saul opens the door, his brow furrowing as he pushes the screen out of the way. “Kevin?” He doesn’t look hurt physically, but there’s something in his eyes as broken and sharp as shards of glass. “Kevin?” Saul reaches out and takes Kevin by the shoulder, guiding him inside. “Kevin?”
Kevin just shakes his head and goes to Saul’s couch. He curls in on himself, bowing his head against his knees. Saul starts toward him then stops as the phone rings. He looks at Kevin for a minute then goes into the kitchen, catching the call just before the machine picks up.
“Saul?” Nora doesn’t give him a chance to say hello, much less respond. “Oh, God, Saul. Saul, tell me Kevin’s there.”
“Kevin’s here, Nora. What’s going on?” He’s used to the sound of chaos in the background of Nora’s calls, but there’s nothing tonight but silence. “Nora?”
She takes a deep breath and Saul looks over the counter to where Kevin sits, his head is still down and he’s hiding the best he can in plain sight. “William…Kitty…”
Fear clutches at Saul’s chest. “Nora!”
“Kitty…we were having dinner and Kitty…Kevin’s…” She takes a deep breath and he can picture his sister, drawing herself up as tall as she can. “Kevin’s gay.”
Whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t that. He moves away from the counter so that Kevin can’t see him, a different kind of fear clenching in his chest. “What?”
She recounts the entire story, but Saul only hears the barest of details. Enough of what he needs to know is out there on his couch. He ends the call with Nora and stands in the doorway between the two rooms. Kevin looks up as if he senses his gaze, and Saul’s struck by the lack of emotion on Kevin’s face.
“Mom told you.”
Saul nods, recognizing the look in Kevin’s eyes. They’re far more expressive than his face, far less controlled. He looks scared and confused and too knowing for his age. Saul remembers the same look gazing back at him in the mirror after the first time he and Milo… He shakes his head to curtail the memory. Whatever that was, whatever he was, he’s put that behind him.
“I’m not sorry.”
Saul recognizes the defiance as well. Nora’s genes, though Saul knows better than most that only Nora got them in her generation. He was never that brave. “Your dad…”
“Screw him.” Kevin glares at Saul. “And screw you if you’re going to take his side.”
“I’m not taking any side here, Kevin.”
“He told me no family of his did that disgusting shit.” Kevin smirks. “I told him he didn’t know his daughters very well.”
Saul bites back a laugh as he sits on the opposite end of the couch. “I’m sure your sisters are appreciative of that line of defense.”
“I’m not sorry.” Kevin looks at Saul, the familiar echo of the little boy he was in his face.
It would be easy to tell him. Easy to say that he knows, that he understands. It would be so easy to tell him about Milo, about the others. He could let Kevin know that he’s not alone. So easy, and yet so impossibly hard. “Did someone tell you that you should be sorry?”
“Who do you think? Dad. Tommy. Even Justin. And Kitty.” He spits out her name. “How can I succeed? How can I be a lawyer? How can I expect anyone but my father to give me a job?” He smirks. “How can I be anything but a freak? A fruit in the fruit business.”
“That’s what they think?” Saul looks away.
“They think I’m going-” He stops, choking on the words or thoughts. “They think gay is Boy George or drag queens or AIDS victims. Why should they know better though, right? That’s all you hear about, all you ever see.”
“Kevin…”
“I’m gay, Uncle Saul.” There’s a hint of hysteria in the words, and Saul bites back the instinctive response, the understanding. “I’ve never actually said it. I never got to say it. Kitty said it for me. Told everyone. I’ve done things. I’ve…other people have called me…that and other…I’ve been a-accused, but…”
“You don’t have to…” Saul swallows hard. “You’re still in high school, Kevin.”
“So?” He looks at Saul and Saul holds his gaze, refusing to look away as realization dawns in Kevin’s eyes. “No.”
“Kevin, I know that you…”
“You want me to lie.”
“No. Not lie. Not to yourself, Kevin. Not to your family. Just…how will people react, Kevin? If your family doesn’t understand, than how will…”
“I thought you would understand.” He and Kevin have spent hours together, Saul trying to be the father to him that William, either through choice or perhaps unexpressed understanding, never seemed to manage to be to Kevin the way he was to Tommy and Justin. He and Kevin have things in common, think the same. The thought scares Saul now, more than ever. “I thought I could count on you, Uncle Saul.”
Saul flushes hotly, the thoughts crowding his mind and the very real fear that he will suddenly be guilty by association. “Why would you think that?”
Kevin blinks rapidly, the bright sheen of tears turning his eyes a painfully brilliant blue. “Because you always seem to…to understand. To see past what my dad’s too stubborn to…” He shakes his head and his tears spill past his lashes, spiking them. “I thought I could…I thought…” Kevin closes his eyes and stands up. “I thought wrong.”
“Kevin.”
“No. No, Uncle Saul.” He gets to his feet and goes to the door. “Thanks for nothing.”
**
Saul crosses his legs and looks at the box in front of him on the bed. Taking a shaky breath, his lungs tight, he eases off the lid and sets it aside. He’s not the sentimental sort beyond his family, but he keeps this to remind himself. He doesn’t consider his life a sacrifice. He made choices, the only choices he could.
Milo smiles up at him, impossibly young and tan. His arm is around Saul’s shoulders, and they look like best friends, like brothers. He had known, back then, what he and Milo had, what they did, and what it meant. They had both made a choice at the end of that week, made a decision to leave it there on the beach. They had laughed about too much booze and too much sun, chalked it up to experimentation and told themselves and each other whatever lies they needed to to believe it.
He’s been telling himself lies ever since, telling them to himself and everyone else. He wonders if they’re even lies anymore. He does like women and he’s had his share. None of them make him feel quite the same, but memory paints everything in a different light. Nostalgia and the illicit thrill of it are what he misses, not the way he feels when he’s with a man, the way he feels alive.
Kevin wouldn’t understand, not with the invincibility of youth, not with his own pain and fear clouding his judgment. Besides, Saul can’t say he understands, not really. Kevin’s gay. Saul isn’t.
He isn’t. He made a choice and he’s lived his life by that choice. If Kevin has shown him anything with this, by coming out, regardless of whether or not it was his choice, it’s that the family - Kevin’s own and Saul’s by extension and William’s permission - doesn’t and wouldn’t understand.
Kevin’s strong and smart, and the world’s a little different now. Kevin will survive without Saul’s understanding, without his support at his side. Saul’s made a choice. No one, not even Kevin, is reason enough to change now.
AUTHOR: Laura Smith
Rating: PG13
SUMMARY: 303. Brothers & Sisters, Saul, Pre-series: Kevin is outed by his sister, and Saul feels guilty for still lying about himself.
DISCLAIMER: Brothers & Sisters and all the characters therein belong to people who are not me. I make no profit from this, I just like playing with them.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thanks to inlovewithnight for the beta. Written for the lgbtfest. It's due to be posted tomorrow, but I'm going out of town, so you guys get it a day early.
Saul opens the door, his brow furrowing as he pushes the screen out of the way. “Kevin?” He doesn’t look hurt physically, but there’s something in his eyes as broken and sharp as shards of glass. “Kevin?” Saul reaches out and takes Kevin by the shoulder, guiding him inside. “Kevin?”
Kevin just shakes his head and goes to Saul’s couch. He curls in on himself, bowing his head against his knees. Saul starts toward him then stops as the phone rings. He looks at Kevin for a minute then goes into the kitchen, catching the call just before the machine picks up.
“Saul?” Nora doesn’t give him a chance to say hello, much less respond. “Oh, God, Saul. Saul, tell me Kevin’s there.”
“Kevin’s here, Nora. What’s going on?” He’s used to the sound of chaos in the background of Nora’s calls, but there’s nothing tonight but silence. “Nora?”
She takes a deep breath and Saul looks over the counter to where Kevin sits, his head is still down and he’s hiding the best he can in plain sight. “William…Kitty…”
Fear clutches at Saul’s chest. “Nora!”
“Kitty…we were having dinner and Kitty…Kevin’s…” She takes a deep breath and he can picture his sister, drawing herself up as tall as she can. “Kevin’s gay.”
Whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t that. He moves away from the counter so that Kevin can’t see him, a different kind of fear clenching in his chest. “What?”
She recounts the entire story, but Saul only hears the barest of details. Enough of what he needs to know is out there on his couch. He ends the call with Nora and stands in the doorway between the two rooms. Kevin looks up as if he senses his gaze, and Saul’s struck by the lack of emotion on Kevin’s face.
“Mom told you.”
Saul nods, recognizing the look in Kevin’s eyes. They’re far more expressive than his face, far less controlled. He looks scared and confused and too knowing for his age. Saul remembers the same look gazing back at him in the mirror after the first time he and Milo… He shakes his head to curtail the memory. Whatever that was, whatever he was, he’s put that behind him.
“I’m not sorry.”
Saul recognizes the defiance as well. Nora’s genes, though Saul knows better than most that only Nora got them in her generation. He was never that brave. “Your dad…”
“Screw him.” Kevin glares at Saul. “And screw you if you’re going to take his side.”
“I’m not taking any side here, Kevin.”
“He told me no family of his did that disgusting shit.” Kevin smirks. “I told him he didn’t know his daughters very well.”
Saul bites back a laugh as he sits on the opposite end of the couch. “I’m sure your sisters are appreciative of that line of defense.”
“I’m not sorry.” Kevin looks at Saul, the familiar echo of the little boy he was in his face.
It would be easy to tell him. Easy to say that he knows, that he understands. It would be so easy to tell him about Milo, about the others. He could let Kevin know that he’s not alone. So easy, and yet so impossibly hard. “Did someone tell you that you should be sorry?”
“Who do you think? Dad. Tommy. Even Justin. And Kitty.” He spits out her name. “How can I succeed? How can I be a lawyer? How can I expect anyone but my father to give me a job?” He smirks. “How can I be anything but a freak? A fruit in the fruit business.”
“That’s what they think?” Saul looks away.
“They think I’m going-” He stops, choking on the words or thoughts. “They think gay is Boy George or drag queens or AIDS victims. Why should they know better though, right? That’s all you hear about, all you ever see.”
“Kevin…”
“I’m gay, Uncle Saul.” There’s a hint of hysteria in the words, and Saul bites back the instinctive response, the understanding. “I’ve never actually said it. I never got to say it. Kitty said it for me. Told everyone. I’ve done things. I’ve…other people have called me…that and other…I’ve been a-accused, but…”
“You don’t have to…” Saul swallows hard. “You’re still in high school, Kevin.”
“So?” He looks at Saul and Saul holds his gaze, refusing to look away as realization dawns in Kevin’s eyes. “No.”
“Kevin, I know that you…”
“You want me to lie.”
“No. Not lie. Not to yourself, Kevin. Not to your family. Just…how will people react, Kevin? If your family doesn’t understand, than how will…”
“I thought you would understand.” He and Kevin have spent hours together, Saul trying to be the father to him that William, either through choice or perhaps unexpressed understanding, never seemed to manage to be to Kevin the way he was to Tommy and Justin. He and Kevin have things in common, think the same. The thought scares Saul now, more than ever. “I thought I could count on you, Uncle Saul.”
Saul flushes hotly, the thoughts crowding his mind and the very real fear that he will suddenly be guilty by association. “Why would you think that?”
Kevin blinks rapidly, the bright sheen of tears turning his eyes a painfully brilliant blue. “Because you always seem to…to understand. To see past what my dad’s too stubborn to…” He shakes his head and his tears spill past his lashes, spiking them. “I thought I could…I thought…” Kevin closes his eyes and stands up. “I thought wrong.”
“Kevin.”
“No. No, Uncle Saul.” He gets to his feet and goes to the door. “Thanks for nothing.”
**
Saul crosses his legs and looks at the box in front of him on the bed. Taking a shaky breath, his lungs tight, he eases off the lid and sets it aside. He’s not the sentimental sort beyond his family, but he keeps this to remind himself. He doesn’t consider his life a sacrifice. He made choices, the only choices he could.
Milo smiles up at him, impossibly young and tan. His arm is around Saul’s shoulders, and they look like best friends, like brothers. He had known, back then, what he and Milo had, what they did, and what it meant. They had both made a choice at the end of that week, made a decision to leave it there on the beach. They had laughed about too much booze and too much sun, chalked it up to experimentation and told themselves and each other whatever lies they needed to to believe it.
He’s been telling himself lies ever since, telling them to himself and everyone else. He wonders if they’re even lies anymore. He does like women and he’s had his share. None of them make him feel quite the same, but memory paints everything in a different light. Nostalgia and the illicit thrill of it are what he misses, not the way he feels when he’s with a man, the way he feels alive.
Kevin wouldn’t understand, not with the invincibility of youth, not with his own pain and fear clouding his judgment. Besides, Saul can’t say he understands, not really. Kevin’s gay. Saul isn’t.
He isn’t. He made a choice and he’s lived his life by that choice. If Kevin has shown him anything with this, by coming out, regardless of whether or not it was his choice, it’s that the family - Kevin’s own and Saul’s by extension and William’s permission - doesn’t and wouldn’t understand.
Kevin’s strong and smart, and the world’s a little different now. Kevin will survive without Saul’s understanding, without his support at his side. Saul’s made a choice. No one, not even Kevin, is reason enough to change now.