Reflection of a mind in solitude.
So I decided to leave work today around 1:45 because I was so bored and couldn't focus on work in the first place. So I cashed in some sick time and left work half way through the day. It's not even 4pm and I'm already on my 4th glass of wine.
I've had so much on my mind on top of still feeling like a living zombie. I still haven't felt remotely the same since that horrible morning at the end of August. I have completely dug myself into my work and training for these two half marathons and 1 full marathon as ways to avoid problems in my life. Even just hearing a simple song can remind me of the fact that two of my best and closest friends have been taken away from me way too early in life.
I am throwing up my food again. I don't know exactly when it started happening regularly again, but I find myself in the bathroom after every meal because I feel disgusted for having actually ate food and I feel completely disgusting for it. I have removed almost every mirror so I don't have to look at myself. Looking at myself just makes me see flaws and things I need to change. Erik wants me to stop throwing up after I finally confessed to him that I had been. My question I keep asking myself, do I have to stop if he didn't know I was in the first place? Yes, it is lying to him but it's not like he would notice anyway. His offering of unity is to cut back on coffee intake. Ok, so I know I get on him daily about the amount of coffee he thinks he needs to consume to be productive but is that really fair? He doesn't get that fact that eating problems aren't solved with "it's something simple you can change, you just have to change the way you think." Everything he says that, I want to beat him over the head. It's not like I haven't tried, I've been to head doctors I've tried telling myself that I am ok....it's not that easy! At least he is supportive of me being healthy?
It was great having Denny back in San Diego for a weekend. Just to be around an older friend and someone to have fun with. It gave up a reason to let go for the weekend. Snowboarding with Erich was also such a much needed break from life. We hit the slopes and just spent the day together bullshitting and having fun. It was nice, we weren't easily reached by cell phones, we were able to just go and do our thing for the day.
I don't know, I just needed to get things off my chest. I need to train today since the first half marathon is next month but I don't want to go to the gym. I am so burned out with this constant training and working out. I don't see friends, I don't have much time to relax, I feel like I'm constantly either at work or training. It sucks cause I miss having time and freedom. Guess that is the price of full time and marathon running.
There is more on my mind but it isn't completely appropriate for publishing. I used to know how to open up. I am almost afraid to open up because I don't know who I can open up to anymore. I used to be lively and joyful and I am now (even more than ever) a complete bitch wrapped up in a shell of the person I used to be.
Ke$ha's music is so trashy and the stupid bitch has no real talent....but some of her songs are catchy.
I've had so much on my mind on top of still feeling like a living zombie. I still haven't felt remotely the same since that horrible morning at the end of August. I have completely dug myself into my work and training for these two half marathons and 1 full marathon as ways to avoid problems in my life. Even just hearing a simple song can remind me of the fact that two of my best and closest friends have been taken away from me way too early in life.
I am throwing up my food again. I don't know exactly when it started happening regularly again, but I find myself in the bathroom after every meal because I feel disgusted for having actually ate food and I feel completely disgusting for it. I have removed almost every mirror so I don't have to look at myself. Looking at myself just makes me see flaws and things I need to change. Erik wants me to stop throwing up after I finally confessed to him that I had been. My question I keep asking myself, do I have to stop if he didn't know I was in the first place? Yes, it is lying to him but it's not like he would notice anyway. His offering of unity is to cut back on coffee intake. Ok, so I know I get on him daily about the amount of coffee he thinks he needs to consume to be productive but is that really fair? He doesn't get that fact that eating problems aren't solved with "it's something simple you can change, you just have to change the way you think." Everything he says that, I want to beat him over the head. It's not like I haven't tried, I've been to head doctors I've tried telling myself that I am ok....it's not that easy! At least he is supportive of me being healthy?
It was great having Denny back in San Diego for a weekend. Just to be around an older friend and someone to have fun with. It gave up a reason to let go for the weekend. Snowboarding with Erich was also such a much needed break from life. We hit the slopes and just spent the day together bullshitting and having fun. It was nice, we weren't easily reached by cell phones, we were able to just go and do our thing for the day.
I don't know, I just needed to get things off my chest. I need to train today since the first half marathon is next month but I don't want to go to the gym. I am so burned out with this constant training and working out. I don't see friends, I don't have much time to relax, I feel like I'm constantly either at work or training. It sucks cause I miss having time and freedom. Guess that is the price of full time and marathon running.
There is more on my mind but it isn't completely appropriate for publishing. I used to know how to open up. I am almost afraid to open up because I don't know who I can open up to anymore. I used to be lively and joyful and I am now (even more than ever) a complete bitch wrapped up in a shell of the person I used to be.
Ke$ha's music is so trashy and the stupid bitch has no real talent....but some of her songs are catchy.