Sorry Rove, I got myself a good deal going with Safeway...
I had my induction with Safeway (Woolworths.) for my new job.
They gave us a workbook full of "activities" of which we were to fill out throughout the course of the day. One in particular which caught my attention was the procedures to follow when dealing with an armed hold up.
1) Stay Calm. - Yep. Fair enough.
2) Do not spit into the robber's face. - Ugh... Ok... I guess...
3) Smile politely and inform the armed intruder that you need to make a quick phone call to order some pizza.
What? This was strange. What concerned me the most was there were detailed explanations on how a situation should be played out. Kind of like a script.
*Robber arrives and pulls gun on you.*
Robber: This is a hold up. Nobody move.
Woolworths Employee: Hello Sir. You will notice I'm quite calm, and I think you'll appreciate the fact I am yet to have spit in your face. (Remember to keep a smile on your face at all times. This will indicate you are quite pleased with the situation, despite what the mess in your pants currently indicates.)
Robber: Put all the money in this bag. (The robber is likely to hand you a bag which he will demand the money to be put into. If you are unsure if he is giving you the correct bag, check for a '$' sign on the side.)
*Robber hands '$' sign bag over to Woolworths Employee. Now is the time to spring your trap.*
Woolworths Employee: Excuse me a moment sir, I need to order some pizza. Should I order you some or are you in a hurry? (Take out your mobile phone. Dial '000'.)
Emergency Services Operator: How may I direct your call?
Woolworths Employee: Police please. (Smiles are still the key. Smile and the robber will not suspect a thing.)
*Inform the police of the situation. If your heart is truly set on pizza, perhaps ask them to pick some up on their way. Once done turn off your mobile phone and turn back to the robber. *
Woolworths Employee: They said it will be here in 45 minutes. If it's any later, we get it for free.
At this point I was fully reconsidering getting the job at Safeway. However my concerns were countered when I turned the page and saw the final procedure.
4) Activate the 'Bat Signal' on the store roof.
Feck it. I had the idea to make this picture for some messed up reason and needed an excuse to use it.
Cool! Batman! Needless to say I now happily hold my job with Safeway. The first day however was tough. Our instructions were to kindly greet each customer as we serve them. For the first hour everything went fine. The typical situation went like this:
Roma: Hi How's it going?
Customer: Good thanks.
Roma: That's great.
Eventually I was able to pretty much turn my brain off. I could greet the customers without thinking. That was until I served a certain chap.
Roma: Hi How's it going?
Customer: Pretty awful actually...
Roma: That's great.
You know when you're serving someone, and you just know they're thinking about punching your lights out and considering if the consequences were worth it in the situation? I could see that in his eyes. In truth I could also see it in his body movements, especially how he was punching his cupped hand. Also especially through the way he was saying "I'm seriously thinking about punching your lights out and considering if the consequences are worth it in this situation".
After my first shift I found myself having trouble sleeping at night. I was haunted by the sound of the beeping of the bar code scanner. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. I swear it wasn't in my head, I could actually hear it. Then I realised my TV was turned on, and the channel was playing that new hit show 'Supermarket Cam' (You know it's a hit when it has a slogan like "For those who just can't get enough.")
I got a call a few days later from a staff member who sounded in a panic.
"Roma. We need you here as soon as possible. We have no staff in the Deli."
"But wait! I am not trained in the way of the supermarket Deli! I am but a checkout chick!" (It was a choice between 'Scan jockey' or 'Checkout chick'. With the help of inflatable breasts I decided on the latter.)
"Your training will be provided. Now come." I heard the click of the phone hanging up, thwarting my plans to keep whining.
When I arrived at work I spoke with the supervisor who had called me up.
"Alright Roma, for your deli training we need you to go into the 'Training Room'."
I searched around, and eventually found the room. I opened the door to reveal a dark room with a single chair in the center, lit by a single light bulb barely strong enough the light a meter circumference around the chair. I heard a voice. "Sit." I did the obvious. Out of the darkness three figures stepped towards me, dressed up to look like ordinary customers. "Let the Deli training begin." One said as he took a huge swing back and jolted forward with the hardest slap to my face I had ever received. The other two followed his actions, and for half an hour I experienced the most painful training of my life.
Painful, but effective. They taught only the truth. That training was as enjoyable as working in the Deli itself. Never again. I did however find I had received a special fondness towards my front end checkout job. Fondness to a checkout job. I had managed to achieve the impossible.
They gave us a workbook full of "activities" of which we were to fill out throughout the course of the day. One in particular which caught my attention was the procedures to follow when dealing with an armed hold up.
1) Stay Calm. - Yep. Fair enough.
2) Do not spit into the robber's face. - Ugh... Ok... I guess...
3) Smile politely and inform the armed intruder that you need to make a quick phone call to order some pizza.
What? This was strange. What concerned me the most was there were detailed explanations on how a situation should be played out. Kind of like a script.
*Robber arrives and pulls gun on you.*
Robber: This is a hold up. Nobody move.
Woolworths Employee: Hello Sir. You will notice I'm quite calm, and I think you'll appreciate the fact I am yet to have spit in your face. (Remember to keep a smile on your face at all times. This will indicate you are quite pleased with the situation, despite what the mess in your pants currently indicates.)
Robber: Put all the money in this bag. (The robber is likely to hand you a bag which he will demand the money to be put into. If you are unsure if he is giving you the correct bag, check for a '$' sign on the side.)
*Robber hands '$' sign bag over to Woolworths Employee. Now is the time to spring your trap.*
Woolworths Employee: Excuse me a moment sir, I need to order some pizza. Should I order you some or are you in a hurry? (Take out your mobile phone. Dial '000'.)
Emergency Services Operator: How may I direct your call?
Woolworths Employee: Police please. (Smiles are still the key. Smile and the robber will not suspect a thing.)
*Inform the police of the situation. If your heart is truly set on pizza, perhaps ask them to pick some up on their way. Once done turn off your mobile phone and turn back to the robber. *
Woolworths Employee: They said it will be here in 45 minutes. If it's any later, we get it for free.
At this point I was fully reconsidering getting the job at Safeway. However my concerns were countered when I turned the page and saw the final procedure.
4) Activate the 'Bat Signal' on the store roof.
Feck it. I had the idea to make this picture for some messed up reason and needed an excuse to use it.
Cool! Batman! Needless to say I now happily hold my job with Safeway. The first day however was tough. Our instructions were to kindly greet each customer as we serve them. For the first hour everything went fine. The typical situation went like this:
Roma: Hi How's it going?
Customer: Good thanks.
Roma: That's great.
Eventually I was able to pretty much turn my brain off. I could greet the customers without thinking. That was until I served a certain chap.
Roma: Hi How's it going?
Customer: Pretty awful actually...
Roma: That's great.
You know when you're serving someone, and you just know they're thinking about punching your lights out and considering if the consequences were worth it in the situation? I could see that in his eyes. In truth I could also see it in his body movements, especially how he was punching his cupped hand. Also especially through the way he was saying "I'm seriously thinking about punching your lights out and considering if the consequences are worth it in this situation".
After my first shift I found myself having trouble sleeping at night. I was haunted by the sound of the beeping of the bar code scanner. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. I swear it wasn't in my head, I could actually hear it. Then I realised my TV was turned on, and the channel was playing that new hit show 'Supermarket Cam' (You know it's a hit when it has a slogan like "For those who just can't get enough.")
I got a call a few days later from a staff member who sounded in a panic.
"Roma. We need you here as soon as possible. We have no staff in the Deli."
"But wait! I am not trained in the way of the supermarket Deli! I am but a checkout chick!" (It was a choice between 'Scan jockey' or 'Checkout chick'. With the help of inflatable breasts I decided on the latter.)
"Your training will be provided. Now come." I heard the click of the phone hanging up, thwarting my plans to keep whining.
When I arrived at work I spoke with the supervisor who had called me up.
"Alright Roma, for your deli training we need you to go into the 'Training Room'."
I searched around, and eventually found the room. I opened the door to reveal a dark room with a single chair in the center, lit by a single light bulb barely strong enough the light a meter circumference around the chair. I heard a voice. "Sit." I did the obvious. Out of the darkness three figures stepped towards me, dressed up to look like ordinary customers. "Let the Deli training begin." One said as he took a huge swing back and jolted forward with the hardest slap to my face I had ever received. The other two followed his actions, and for half an hour I experienced the most painful training of my life.
Painful, but effective. They taught only the truth. That training was as enjoyable as working in the Deli itself. Never again. I did however find I had received a special fondness towards my front end checkout job. Fondness to a checkout job. I had managed to achieve the impossible.