Francespam
First of all, sorry this is so late. My usual feeling after a match is intense contempt at the team for playing so badly, which turns out not to be half so bad as the emotions you go through when two of your players are magnificent and they still lose.
Never mind. We must forge ahead.
France 2-0 Romania (UEFA match report and stats, player ratings, highlights - blurry, but they’re the best I could find).
Let’s start with the weird and amusing stuff. You may not have known up till now that Chivu advertises washing machines. (And if so, you’re probably extremely grateful that you didn’t.)
Hence, he missed the first day of training because he was unveiling one. Riiight. Who, precisely, made the decision that the best person to advertise washing machines would be a footballer?... Oh, the Becalis, right. Carry on.
Click to viewA little video of proceedings. Fortunately, it’s mostly about the impending arrival of baby Anastasia, who at that point didn’t even have a name. (Chivu: giggle, giggle.)
DNic had his birthday in cantonment and took the squad to a restaurant, but the pictures were unusually shit even by GSP’s standards, and I only kept this one. (Note his continued transformation into a balanced human being.)
Told you. (Maybe it’s caused by exposure to Rat?)
Customary attempt to kill Lucescu: foiled.
At first, it appears to have rained. Like, quite a lot.
The team trained with their usual enthusiasm and cheer.
OK, one of them did.
And is also very flexible. Mmmm. ¦)
Apostol hasn’t got any more intelligent since we last saw him. Not that I thought he would.
Who’s the chap in the little yellow hat, btw?
???
Ah, of course: it’s Rat. Well, he would be the one to carry off something like that. *Approves*
Alas, at this point proper training began. RLuc fondled Lazar’s ear,
then told everyone to do this.
Zicu made a valiant attempt.
Rat, His Hat and Cocis had a go,
and Nesu totally misunderstood the whole thing.
Marica apparently hurt his bum:
At any rate, he complained about it a lot.
OK, just look at Radoi for a minute. Is Godzilla on the pitch again or something?
Right, forget it, he just always looks like that.
Sapunaru got extremely wet and then had his ears attacked by a rogue goalkeeper in tights. (Does ear-flicking even work when you’re wearing gloves? How would it hurt?)
Chivu got a bit lost after his washing machine thing.
Even when he found the rest of the team, he was uncharacteristically solemn...
Ah, that’s better.
“I love Sapunaru! I love rain!”
(Is it just me that finds it really weird seeing him in long trousers?)
Arty picture time. Not sure about this one.
This, on the other hand, is rather atractive. *Admires*
...I don’t know what’s going on here, and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to. Moving on.
Could this really be who it appears to be?
Yep, Radu! Back after 10,000 years in the wilderness.
And, what he lacks in the hairline department, he makes up for with his super-defined calves. *Boggles*
Meanwhile, Constantin was trying to impress people
and DNic tried to reprise Lucescu’s arm thing from before.
Florescu put a stop to that with a swift kick to the ribs,
and DNic pulled one of his familiar gormless gurns of apology.
(Tamas still loves him.)
Sapunaru was rocking some interesting crotch issues,
and... urgh, feet. Look away, Martha.
Christi and Marica, meanwhile, were wheezing in agony as RLuc made them do cardio.
Fortunately, they managed to sneak away and do their own little old-men-walking-round-a-park impression.
Panti’s bitchpose and bitchface, needless to say, remain intact. (Not quite sure this picture is from this session, but you know me. I couldn’t leave it out.)
The photogs have also given him a Dayglo tint. Not sure what to make of that.
Rat and Radoi attempted to look solemn and responsible.
Doh!
Double doh! (Also: give that man a razor.)
RLuc watched it all from his trusty traffic cone.
Aha, he’s getting excited about something! What can it be?
Oh. Of course: he’s found someone to touch.
Dirty old sod.
Never mind all that. ANDREI LOBONT!
Blimey, that kid looks nothing like Lobby, but he’s incredibly cute anyway. (Does everyone else bring their kids to training and get turned away? Is there a Lobby Spawn Only rule?)
Random, endearing picture of the squad having a meal. Wish it was bigger. *Obligatory disapproving comment re: Panti’s posture*
They made him neon again for the press conference. You can see he’s thinking of chinning the photographer.
Christi, apparently, got stuck at the bottom of a well. Poor guy looks terrified.
His hair’s still sticking up at the side where the scar is. Dawww!
*Is really quite put off* Good god. It looks as if they were filming a tricolorii horror film.
Is RLuc the killer?
Anyway, at that point Rat arrived so the journos could ask him why he wears that hat.
“It keeps my head warm. I get a very cold forehead, you know.”
“And my ears. They get cold too.”
On to the airport. Sandu bamboozled me totally by wearing a flat hat. Is he a Yorkshireman now?
See, RLuc can’t being himself to look at him. I knew he was clever.
Meanwhile, Lobby was inappropriately pleased about something.
So was Christi. Obviously.
Ah, even he stops smiling when Bilasco turns up to ask him questions. Sorted.
Rat: :|
Zicu: :|
...OK, Radoi’s pulling a silly face. That’s reassuring.
Florescu is swaggering,
Panti’s terrifying that bloke assembling the Manet party,
and Marica is making a VERY IMPORTANT CALL.
Meanwhile, RLuc is cracking up a bit, possibly due to Sandu’s hat. (Inter fans will no doubt see the comparison to a certain other loony gentleman. Mind you, insanity worked out OK for him, so...)
Fans: rather small in number, and obscured by several French flags. Foreshadowing?
Mascots: manage to look reasonably pleased about hanging around with our lot.
<3 <3 <3 (You’ve probably guessed that I’m most amused by how much higher Panti is than everyone else, but the Panti-lines are pretty good as well.)
OK, the match. *Sigh* I’m going to start with the people who were absolute crap and work my way up to the good ones. I mean, we have to have something to look forward to, don’t we?
Hence: Zicu.
Everyone is agreed that he was absolutely terrible, completely unrecognisable as the player he is at Poli. While it may not have been the worst performance ever by a Romanian player, he needn’t expect to be called up again any time soon. RLuc took him off at half, and everyone was amazed he waited so long.
Cocis was crap, which compared with Zicu actually looks pretty good.
He won us a free kick once. I think that was about it.
The photogs did seem to like how he can stretch his leg out like this, though.
OK, everyone, it’s time for The Rat (or, rather, R A T) And Valbuena Show.
Are you ready? Go!
Yeah. He was having a spot of trouble.
(We got some good faces out of it, mind.)
And when he’s not chasing after Valbuena, he’s... chasing after someone else, equally helplessly. (He did take a decent FK for us, but bizarrely, nobody was waiting near the net to put it in. Bugger me, they’re useless.)
He did try distracting Benzema by tickling his armpits,
and frightening everyone with his truly terrifing crotch issues,
but his contribution to the match is probably best summed up by this picture.
Aha, it’s Florescu! Watch as he makes this brilliant header!
...Sigh. To be fair, the press were expecting him to score ten own goals, so compared with that he was amazing.
That said, he gave away free kicks, he gave away the ball; he was not good.
Oh, and like everyone else, he had to wrestle with Valbuena. I’m starting to hate that man.
(Revenge.)
He did hold Nasri’s hand and try to get him to stop making faces,
but I’m not sure anyone can do that.
So, like everyone else, he spent large parts of the game looking like this.
Radoi, meanwhile, was giving Nasri a run for his money.
He was also running really, really slowly, but it’s probably best to concentrate on the faces; less painful that way.
Nasri eventually got jealous of Mirel's prowess and kicked bits out of his head, as you see.
I don't know why, because they're clearly made for each other.
So. Playing in Saudi Arabia, according to Lupescu, is really taking its toll on Radoi. He just can’t keep up.
Either Radoi agreed with that or he disagreed violently, because after the match he told Lupescu to shut up and retired from the national team. Great. (Yeah, I know people are saying he’s crap, but who are they planning to replace him with? Exactly.)
Anyway, enjoy the million pictures of him struggling with Valbuena.
Yeah.
Sapunaru, who’s back at Rapid nowadays, got his first call-up in 10000 years and celebrated by pulling faces. (Google Translate is calling him “Soapwort”, btw. I worry for that machine sometimes.)
He also saw the funny side at the oddest of moments. Even Tamas found it worrying, and that speaks volumes.
It’s disappointing there aren’t more pictures of him, because he seems to have been one of our better players, and nearly salvaged some of our dignity with our best chance to score. Marica fluffed a chance at close range, the goalie couldn’t clear it properly and Sapunaru got the ball. Unfortunately he hit the post, hence the tortoise pose above. Sigh.
Fortunately, there are some pictures of his burgeoning relationship with Malouda.
He earned the first card of the match for pulling Malouda over. Malouda fouled him in retaliation, and it all developed from there; Malouda grabbed Sapunaru’s nipples, then by the end of the match Sapunaru was helping Malouda up after his extremely gymnastic dives. I hope they went for a coffee or something afterwards.
See? Look how impressed Florent is.
Now, Stancu.
The press seemed pleased with him to some extent: Onlinesport said he sped up our attack, and even I noticed him storming up the pitch once or twice.
Unfortunately, since he got no service, he couldn’t really do anything. Sigh.
(Of course, French blokes flinging themselves on his head probably didn’t help.)
The pose we were all making.
When he wasn’t kicking him in the chest, Tamas dealt with Benzema well.
Apparently he hit too many long balls that didn’t work, plus occasionally passed to French people, and on one occasion fluffed an easy ball and forced a startled Panti into a surprise save. Altogether, though, it could have been worse; he did one tackle on Nasri that was just miraculous.
(And he pulled funny faces. Bonus!)
Here’s DNic.
(For some reason we get exactly the same photo a split second earlier. I don’t know what that’s for, but it gives a better view of Cocis’s arse, so that might be of use to someone? Possibly?)
He apparently worked hard without achieving much. He and Stancu don’t seem particularly compatible.
(Note Sapunaru, lurking protectively in the background.)
He did get a couple of attempts at goal to prevent Lloris’s muscles atrophying from lack of use, but, obviously, none of them went in. Sigh.
Then he hurt his foot and had to go off for Marica. And, er, I know you can’t really see it in this picture, but he seems to find hurting his foot incredibly arousing. Just so you know. (Marica came on for him. He has no photos because he was rubbish.)
There’s only one proper pic of Deac, who went on at half-time. This is a pity, because apparently he was really good in both defence and attack (and the fact that he tried to attack at all makes him stand out quite a lot in the current lineup).
The only other photo of him is this one. Moving on.
RLUC BREAK.
“Y...”
“Er... T...”
“C...”
“P.”
Sorry, RLuc, it’s the YMCA, not the YTCP. Maybe that’s why we lost.
I will not cry. I will not cry.
Christi was very, very good.
The headlines were mostly to the effect that without him and Panti, Romania would have lost at least 4-0. Prosport called him “Grande Chivu” and Onlinesport.ro “outstanding”.
Fine against Benzema (who seems to be wearing a Florescu wig here), fine against everyone.
See? He even kicked sand grass in his face! “Five-stone weakling!”
(Oh, OK, he didn’t. He even comforted Benzema after Benzema failed to score. He’s too nice for his own good.)
He got forward a couple of times, but obviously that didn’t achieve much since the attack and midfield were so crap.
Nope, his outstanding contribution was in defence. Large parts of the match went like this: French shoot. Panti makes wonder save. French get into the box. Chivu makes miracle tackle. French shoot. Panti makes wonder save... Repeat until your face is the colour of the French kit.
This was the most amazing example: Panti made an impossible save on Benzema, then spilled the ball. Before Benzema could get to it, Christi saved directly upwards, bounced the ball off the bar and cleared it. That is why this picture is called Wonder Twins.
...He still had time for some comedy, of course.
Thanks, Rat. (Still with the crotch issues, I see.)
Chivu also formed one-third of the Romanian Flag of M’vila Inspection. (I like how they all look only mildly interested.)
Last: Panti.
Everyone is saying how good he was.
One of Prosport’s columnists dedicated a little article to him, to which Google Translate has done the usual alarming things.
The readers’ MOTM polls, while less hyperbolic, still clearly show how brilliant he was. (Though you’ll note that Tamas is making a good showing. West Brom fans?)
Even the French thought so. L’Équipe: “The arms and legs of Pantelimon, the Romanian goalkeeper, brought another bitter defeat inexorably closer.” Soon they’ll even know how to spell his name!
La Dépeche: “The vast Costel Pantilimon multiplied himself by six to maintain the draw for Romania.” Can I have one of the extra ones, please?
This was one of his more amazing moments: he managed to get to the ball and block it, then fell over. Nasri got onto the loose ball a split second later and took a second shot, and Panti got up again in time to fling himself round and make a second save.
He also drew the French Stare Of Hatred from Benzema by stopping one of his shots. XP (You might recall that Thierry Henry was previously astonished when Dani Coman did the same to him. Am I a bad person for laughing at them?)
Anyway. It wasn’t all work: in between saves he got to make fist-pumps,
look resigned (though, admittedly, a lot of people do that when Florescu’s about),
pull faces
and shout at Stancu. (Nasri looks deeply hurt, possibly cos he thinks Radoi's making rude hand gestures at him.)
Alas, even Panti’s miracle streak could last only 83 minutes.
This photo has precisely captured Christi’s “Fuck you all” face as he realised the ball was going in.
Everyone hastened to point out that Remy was offside, but the ref allowed the goal to stand.
Lucescu: *Is not impressed with your fuckery*
Alas, it didn’t actually matter.
The second goal was sort of depressing because it was not only onside but could be seen coming a mile off.
The defenders and Panti were all queuing up to stop some guy out on the left (Rami, I believe) [edit: it was Payet] without apparently realising that he could just pass to Gourcuff. Despite my shouting at them to spread out, Rami did and Gourcuff scored.
And that was the end of our match, 2-0.
Lucescu: *Not happy, but still has his job*
...I will not cry. I will not cry.
*BAWLS*
Meanwhile, the babies were doing some training and, like their elders, getting their arses kicked.
Interestingly, they all appear to wear Rat-hats. What does this tell us? That Rat’s basically a big kid at heart? Because that sounds... strangely convincing, actually. Hm.
Torje’s looking very sombre, mind. Wish he’d cheer up.
That’s better.
Oh, and just to prove that Lung exists:
the best goalie training photo EVAR. Does it not look as if he’s hanging onto a lamppost, being blown sideways by a hurricane? (Which isn’t touching that bloke in the background. Pity he had to stand there.)
Anyway, eventually they had to stop training and play, which was unfortunate, since they were defeated by England and knocked out of the U21 European Championships. In mitigation, they did take their clothes off.
Yes, I know what you’re asking, and no, I haven’t been able to find out who that bloke on the right is. The one thing I know for sure is that he’s not Torje, since that’s Torje on the left with his face in Barboianu’s lap.
This, on the other hand, is definitely Silviu Lung again.
Comforting his sad teammates and getting half-naked. Excellent work, Lung. I approve.
Tomorrow (Wednesday the 17th) we’ll be playing a friendly against Italy. Kickoff is at 21:30 Romanian time, 20:30 CET, 19:30 GMT. ahh_serie_a will probably have a live reactions post, so I’ll link to that one from here.