mom's heart medicine
My friend Pam was here the other day with a lady selling essential oils--without an invite and mom and I were both very annoyed because it took forever and mom's nurse from hospice came and had to wait. After they left Pam inadvertently pushed the send button on her phone and dialed here. I could hear the two of them talking and they were talking about mom having gone off her heart medicine. The doctor has told her she would die within a few months if she went off it. She gave me her solemn promise not to do that. I know that when she wants to die is her business, but she shouldn't have lied to me like that. She does that all the time. It's like the entire world has revolved around her since she was a bedridden child, and still does. I love my mother very much, but her generosity goes only so far as it serves. She gives things away that are mine, or she has given to a grandchild, without any care but that at that moment she is being 'generous and kind' in others' eyes. I feel utterly betrayed that she wouldn't tell me this, and that she would just drop dead without me being prepared in some way. But this is how she has always been. I didn't even realize it until I hit puberty and got a brain that thought my own thoughts--which was just NOT ok. I need to push this away from me, this helpless anger and futile pain, because nothing I do will ever change her. I just need to love her while I have her, and remember this after she passes. It is a negative, but it will help me when she goes, to remember that what she did she mainly did for herself. Yes, this is a negative posting about the most important person in my life. I don't honestly mean it to be. I'm writing this as I write all my journals: to get me through something horrible and move on. Writing it down helps me cleanse myself. But this is so huge, I feel totally betrayed.