growing up perhaps and what that means.
i've done allot of thinking lately about how absolutely unsatisfied i am with my life as it stands and really its hasn't always been so. its just that i think i've reached a point in my life where i need to start thinking proactively to further myself in society at large. for a long time i've just kind of been wandering around trying different careers, cities and lovers seeing if any of it made a difference while hoping that i would stumble upon my own perfect niche in the world. however reality had other ideas and as of yet this attempt has brought me nothing more than poverty and some good stories. i don't think i'll ever truly give up o traveling and whatnot but i am attempting to stabilize myself in one local at least long enough to establish myself as a productive citezen. i need to get a real job and save money and all that materialistic crap just so i can have a steady place of residence and perhaps fund myself a proper career that i can enjoy and live with peaceably. its tough to admit such things to myself after all the years of insisting that none of it really matters, that all thats important is living loving learning and creating. i suppose it is all thats important yet i overlooked the importance of creating your own niche in the world and the amount of work that may be involved in such an endeavor in our modern money driven society. i still despise the system itself yet i am learning that one must work within it in order to affect meaningful changes in ones own environment if such changes are meant to last beyond a few months. now i'm not saying that i'm planning on joining the nine to five zombie army just that i may have to work within their world long enough to establish my own means of support beyond a pretty face. if only beauty and waxing poetic were enough to support an individual throughout their lifetime then what a world it would be, however beauty fades and no one cares about your philosophies enough to pay you for them. so what now some might ask. well i have decided that once i stabilize myself financially i will seek to become an entrepreneur, opening my own clothing line seems a fine idea. i mean it allows me to cultivate my creativity for profit. however i know the issues with starting an endeavor such as this and the flaws of the idea are well noted, yet we must try for such things before we give up on them or are we not cowards? i know theres a lack of cohesion in my writing and while i would like to blame this damned headcold it is just the way my mind operates. so no excuses.