searching
I was laying in bed last night staring at the ceiling and as I watched the shadows change I thought to myself "where did it all go"?
I have spend what feels like a life time searching for some kind of acceptance, some kind of reassurance that I am what I should be. I always wonder why that feeling lies so deep in my heart.
I constantly search for a perfection I cannot attain. What is perfect? and Why do I need it? I am constantly making changes that I think will be positive but I feel like after all the work I am still in the same place, the world spinning around me as I just stand still wondering where do I go from here. Happiness is something almost all search for but what percentage of people find what they are looking for, and when their search ends what do they do then?
So many things have happened to me over a 3 year span and I don't feel like I comprehended any of it. I feel like for the last 3 years I was living in someone else's body. Like I never had a direction that was my own ,my body went with the wind but my heart has been somewhere else.
A few months ago I thought that my heart had found what it had been looking for, that I finally could just be me, but about 2 months ago it hit me like a title wave, I was doing the same thing just with a different group of people. I want to be me... I want someone to embrace me with open arms with all my flaws and say "I love you" every day regardless of the mistakes I make or the tears I weep. I know I have been fortunate to have the things I do, and believe me I appreciate all of it. I just want to stop this cycle. I wish I knew when to walk away and realize this is not worth fighting for. When my heart takes control it aches for something more and when I let my brain take control it leads me on a path I soon turn away from. When will I figure out the 50/50 balance between what my heart wants and needs and what my brain wants and needs.
I don't trust myself and therefore I can constantly doubting the people around me. Which unlimitedly leads me to watching piecing of life like crumble around me.
I know life will lead me into the direction I need to go but it is my resistance in letting it take me there that continues to leave me lost.
I want to let go of all of this and leave it here in this writing. I want to look at myself years down the road and say this is exactly where I need to be.
One day.
Nicole.
I have spend what feels like a life time searching for some kind of acceptance, some kind of reassurance that I am what I should be. I always wonder why that feeling lies so deep in my heart.
I constantly search for a perfection I cannot attain. What is perfect? and Why do I need it? I am constantly making changes that I think will be positive but I feel like after all the work I am still in the same place, the world spinning around me as I just stand still wondering where do I go from here. Happiness is something almost all search for but what percentage of people find what they are looking for, and when their search ends what do they do then?
So many things have happened to me over a 3 year span and I don't feel like I comprehended any of it. I feel like for the last 3 years I was living in someone else's body. Like I never had a direction that was my own ,my body went with the wind but my heart has been somewhere else.
A few months ago I thought that my heart had found what it had been looking for, that I finally could just be me, but about 2 months ago it hit me like a title wave, I was doing the same thing just with a different group of people. I want to be me... I want someone to embrace me with open arms with all my flaws and say "I love you" every day regardless of the mistakes I make or the tears I weep. I know I have been fortunate to have the things I do, and believe me I appreciate all of it. I just want to stop this cycle. I wish I knew when to walk away and realize this is not worth fighting for. When my heart takes control it aches for something more and when I let my brain take control it leads me on a path I soon turn away from. When will I figure out the 50/50 balance between what my heart wants and needs and what my brain wants and needs.
I don't trust myself and therefore I can constantly doubting the people around me. Which unlimitedly leads me to watching piecing of life like crumble around me.
I know life will lead me into the direction I need to go but it is my resistance in letting it take me there that continues to leave me lost.
I want to let go of all of this and leave it here in this writing. I want to look at myself years down the road and say this is exactly where I need to be.
One day.
Nicole.