Musings
I am a Filipina. At the age of sixteen, I worked at the capital waiting tables in a bar with my brother who was working there with me. He was the one who endorsed me to the manager. It was a place of entertainment with women wearing colorful dresses and gargantuan head pieces. The smell of alcohol and tobacco lingers strongly in the air.
One morning, when the women were practicing their dance piece for the night, a member of their group went missing. They needed a replacement and they needed one badly. My brother, who was looking for more income decided to make me join them. Ever the obedient little sister, I conceded. The leader, she was called Mama, was very proud of what she saw in me. She told me that I danced pretty well, and that I can make it big. It gave me hope. I didn’t want to wait tables all my life.
My stint as a substitute dancer lasted for two weeks. The third week, the absent dancer came back. I was feeling lonely, the last two weeks felt like a dream that was slowly ending. Mama came to me as I was cleaning the tables; I took a deep breath and readied myself for the disappointment coming.
“She’s not dancing anymore”, she said “The stupid girl’s gotten pregnant. She was supposed to go to Japan with us. Now I’m at a loss of whom to bring. So, I want you to go with us.”
It took me a minute to absorb what she was saying to me. Japan? Where is that? Is it far? What I knew of Japan then was men wearing robes and wielding samurais. I told Mama that I was going to ask my brother about it. She agreed and gave me a week to decide.
That night, I told my brother about what Mama said. I told him how Mama will trick the airport people into passing me as the substitute dancer. She said that she’ll replace the picture of dancer on her passport with my picture. She told me I wouldn’t get noticed. My brother was very skeptical. It was a first feeling for him. Never in my life have I seen my brother have caring thoughts for me. I love my brother, and I know he loves me too in his own way. But my real mother was always comparing us.
One time, when I was very little I asked her, “ Mama, Why is kuya studying and I’m not?”
Then she told me as a matter of fact that my brother is very intelligent that’s why he studies and that I was stupid that’s why I’m home helping her clean the house. I told her I understood. I did try to study, to go to school like kuya but the arithmetic and the numbers just kept dancing in my head they wouldn’t add up. So I thought mother was right.
The night after the last dance was performed, Kuya went to Mama and asked about the Japan trip. He was still having second thoughts with my going. He and Mama went into a live discussion for half an hour. After it was over, kuya came to me and told me that I can go. I was so excited I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept seeing myself in a kimono, doing the shuffle steps that I see Japanese women do on tv.
The days came and went quickly from then on. It was time to fly to a new life. My brother sent me off. He was careful not to call me by my real name. We didn’t want to get caught. I was very lucky. I went into the airplane without gaining notice. The trip lasted for three hours. I felt like a kid inside the plane. There were light blinking at arm rest. The chair - so comfy - can be reclined. I wanted to press all the buttons, but was afraid that I might break anything. It took all my will power not to temp myself.
When the plane touched down I was for to the shock of my life. Gone were the samurais and men on robes I thought Japan would be. The place I was in was teeming with high rise buildings. So many people were talking a different kind of language I didn’t know. Everyone seemed to be busy. Everyone seemed to have a certain place to go.
I wasn’t able to go into a tour of Japan. The moment the plane landed, Mama hustled us into a car and drove us to the place where we will be working for a year.
We were like owls asleep in the day and awake dancing the night away. After a couple of months I learned to speak a phrase or two of Niponngo. My career as a dancer was also blooming. I started as a backup and went up the ranks pretty fast that I became one of the leads. I was very happy. I got to earn so much money just by dancing and sitting at the tables with the Japanese men. They never urged me to talk. They were happy with me just sitting there with them while they while away their time talking to each other. I was very content that way at least they wouldn’t know that I don’t speak their language.
At seventeen, I found my knight in shining armor. He was beautiful. He had dark hair like all the Japanese men has, but to me his hair seemed to glow more fully. He glides in the room when he walks. He has such long slender fingers that the rings he was wearing felt so lucky to be able to touch his skin. A smile from him made my heart go pounding a hard rhythm in my chest. He was the perfect man. And so I thought...
One morning, when the women were practicing their dance piece for the night, a member of their group went missing. They needed a replacement and they needed one badly. My brother, who was looking for more income decided to make me join them. Ever the obedient little sister, I conceded. The leader, she was called Mama, was very proud of what she saw in me. She told me that I danced pretty well, and that I can make it big. It gave me hope. I didn’t want to wait tables all my life.
My stint as a substitute dancer lasted for two weeks. The third week, the absent dancer came back. I was feeling lonely, the last two weeks felt like a dream that was slowly ending. Mama came to me as I was cleaning the tables; I took a deep breath and readied myself for the disappointment coming.
“She’s not dancing anymore”, she said “The stupid girl’s gotten pregnant. She was supposed to go to Japan with us. Now I’m at a loss of whom to bring. So, I want you to go with us.”
It took me a minute to absorb what she was saying to me. Japan? Where is that? Is it far? What I knew of Japan then was men wearing robes and wielding samurais. I told Mama that I was going to ask my brother about it. She agreed and gave me a week to decide.
That night, I told my brother about what Mama said. I told him how Mama will trick the airport people into passing me as the substitute dancer. She said that she’ll replace the picture of dancer on her passport with my picture. She told me I wouldn’t get noticed. My brother was very skeptical. It was a first feeling for him. Never in my life have I seen my brother have caring thoughts for me. I love my brother, and I know he loves me too in his own way. But my real mother was always comparing us.
One time, when I was very little I asked her, “ Mama, Why is kuya studying and I’m not?”
Then she told me as a matter of fact that my brother is very intelligent that’s why he studies and that I was stupid that’s why I’m home helping her clean the house. I told her I understood. I did try to study, to go to school like kuya but the arithmetic and the numbers just kept dancing in my head they wouldn’t add up. So I thought mother was right.
The night after the last dance was performed, Kuya went to Mama and asked about the Japan trip. He was still having second thoughts with my going. He and Mama went into a live discussion for half an hour. After it was over, kuya came to me and told me that I can go. I was so excited I couldn’t sleep that night. I kept seeing myself in a kimono, doing the shuffle steps that I see Japanese women do on tv.
The days came and went quickly from then on. It was time to fly to a new life. My brother sent me off. He was careful not to call me by my real name. We didn’t want to get caught. I was very lucky. I went into the airplane without gaining notice. The trip lasted for three hours. I felt like a kid inside the plane. There were light blinking at arm rest. The chair - so comfy - can be reclined. I wanted to press all the buttons, but was afraid that I might break anything. It took all my will power not to temp myself.
When the plane touched down I was for to the shock of my life. Gone were the samurais and men on robes I thought Japan would be. The place I was in was teeming with high rise buildings. So many people were talking a different kind of language I didn’t know. Everyone seemed to be busy. Everyone seemed to have a certain place to go.
I wasn’t able to go into a tour of Japan. The moment the plane landed, Mama hustled us into a car and drove us to the place where we will be working for a year.
We were like owls asleep in the day and awake dancing the night away. After a couple of months I learned to speak a phrase or two of Niponngo. My career as a dancer was also blooming. I started as a backup and went up the ranks pretty fast that I became one of the leads. I was very happy. I got to earn so much money just by dancing and sitting at the tables with the Japanese men. They never urged me to talk. They were happy with me just sitting there with them while they while away their time talking to each other. I was very content that way at least they wouldn’t know that I don’t speak their language.
At seventeen, I found my knight in shining armor. He was beautiful. He had dark hair like all the Japanese men has, but to me his hair seemed to glow more fully. He glides in the room when he walks. He has such long slender fingers that the rings he was wearing felt so lucky to be able to touch his skin. A smile from him made my heart go pounding a hard rhythm in my chest. He was the perfect man. And so I thought...