(no subject)
So I'm going to shut the fuck up now and get to the jokes. Enjoy this week's Comedy Goldmine, as brought to you by forum goon therapy - "Jokes With Realistic Endings!"
Now, on with the show!
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.
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What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?
The Pope is dead.
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
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How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.
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So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.
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Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!
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What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
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A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
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Knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
Shit, I guess nobody is home. I'll try back later.
What do you get when you're gay?
Made fun of.
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What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
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So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
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How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
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So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating again.
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A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"
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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.
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What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
" Would you like an ice pack? "
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Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"
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A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
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A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.
In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".
Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".
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A duck walks into a bar...
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
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Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
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What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?
A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus in female mammals.
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Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?
It's wet.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
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Knock knock
Who's there?
The wallet inspector!
Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's fucking cold.
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A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.
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A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
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A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
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What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
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Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
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A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
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A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
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A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight yerars since you last smoked a cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone, so terribly alone.
A man's sitting alone in a bar, just him and the bartender. He's drinking his troubles away, trying to get over his crushing depression, but the alcohol is just making it worse since alcohol is a depressant. He's staring at the wall, a half-empty gin and tonic in front of him, when he hears a voice.
"Pssst," it whispers. "Nice shirt."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. He sees the bartender at the end of the bar, cleaning glasses. "Hey bartender!" the man shouts. "Did you say something?"
"No," the bartender says, and goes back to cleaning glasses. The man shrugs and goes back to staring at the wall. After a few minutes, he hears the voice again.
"Psssssssssst," it whispers. "Nice tie, too!"
"BARTENDER!" the man shouts. The bartender comes over immediately. "Bartender," the man says, "did you SAY anything?"
"No, the bartender says. "Why?"
"Because I heard a voice talking to me! It said I had a nice shirt, then it said I had a nice tie, and you're the only one here so it..."
The man pauses as the bartender lifted a shotgun from behind the bar.
"What are you doing?" gasps the horrified man.
"You get the fuck out of my bar before those goddamned voices tell you to kill me, or so help me God, I'll kill you first. GET OUT."
The man leaves.
brought to you by: Olde English brand.