i seriously hate. school. hate it.
i do.
and im absolutly dreading tomorrow. i mean, yea, i have a class with kyle - but he'll probably make new friends super fast and i'll be left in the dust. which is fine. im not stopping him. Me and paulette visualized it yesterday - but she just makes it sound way to easy. She gave me new exercizes to relax - but i can't do them because i worry to much about the things around the items im supposed to be focusing on.
for instance::
the color red
which then fades into blue.
now - this is hard because what is red? you can't just picture red. something has to be red. but what is it? why red? and why is it fading into blue? then, once it does fade, what is blue? and how does red (a primary color) just fade into another primary color? i dont get it.
another example::
the screeching of chalk on a chalk board
then the chalk crumbles into powder.
where is this chalk board? is it in a room? is it outside? in a big building? what color is the chalk? and where is the powder going to go once it crumbles? i think thinking about them gets me more worked up then actually stressing out just by itself.
i dont no.
latley - ever since i just stopped cold turkey taking the Celexa things have just gotten really - hopeless looking? i guess. i mean, one minute i could be the happiest person in the world. then, within an hour i will the be the saddest person on earth. they are looking into a possible Bi-Polar problem - so i gues that could be it.
i just dont get why i got picked.
you dont even no how long i stay up at night sumtimes and just wish - that for one day - just one day, i could be like everyone else.
that i could go out w/ friends and not worry about where we are going, where my mom is, where my dad is, what kyle is doing..
it sucks. my life is a constant stream of worrying. and i hate it. i wish i could just be happy. all the time. and take things as they come. not try to predict and plan my future before it comes. that would be a dream come true.
i feel so bad. because kyle wants to so badly help me. but he can't. he wants to talk and stuff but im just not in the mood. im jsut so..empty? i guess. i view things as things that turn on me. i see situations like they are all my fault. and im scared of everything. i love kyle so much, and i feel like im killing him. to be honest, i wish i wans't even here. (NOTE:: THIS IS IN NO WAY A SUICIDE WISH. been there::done that::) oka? its just, i dont understand what im supposed to do. i pretend like everything is okay, because i dont want to suck anyone into my crazy, insane mind. trust me, you dont want to be there.
so school tomorrow is sounding real bad right about now. i just hate walking into the class by myself, and i hate finding a seat, and i hate watching people talk and just be instant friends. i hate it because i want so badly to be like that. Paulette says to force myself - to pretend im extremly confident. but its not as easy as it sounds. not only am i petrified of being confident, im petrified of being rejected.
so thats my life. depressing, empty and just plain insane.
be happy you're not me.
and a little something for kyle - who i love dearly.
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
[Chorus]
I've been dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead.
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
[Chorus x2]
The greatest fan of your life.
...greatest fan of your life.
and im absolutly dreading tomorrow. i mean, yea, i have a class with kyle - but he'll probably make new friends super fast and i'll be left in the dust. which is fine. im not stopping him. Me and paulette visualized it yesterday - but she just makes it sound way to easy. She gave me new exercizes to relax - but i can't do them because i worry to much about the things around the items im supposed to be focusing on.
for instance::
the color red
which then fades into blue.
now - this is hard because what is red? you can't just picture red. something has to be red. but what is it? why red? and why is it fading into blue? then, once it does fade, what is blue? and how does red (a primary color) just fade into another primary color? i dont get it.
another example::
the screeching of chalk on a chalk board
then the chalk crumbles into powder.
where is this chalk board? is it in a room? is it outside? in a big building? what color is the chalk? and where is the powder going to go once it crumbles? i think thinking about them gets me more worked up then actually stressing out just by itself.
i dont no.
latley - ever since i just stopped cold turkey taking the Celexa things have just gotten really - hopeless looking? i guess. i mean, one minute i could be the happiest person in the world. then, within an hour i will the be the saddest person on earth. they are looking into a possible Bi-Polar problem - so i gues that could be it.
i just dont get why i got picked.
you dont even no how long i stay up at night sumtimes and just wish - that for one day - just one day, i could be like everyone else.
that i could go out w/ friends and not worry about where we are going, where my mom is, where my dad is, what kyle is doing..
it sucks. my life is a constant stream of worrying. and i hate it. i wish i could just be happy. all the time. and take things as they come. not try to predict and plan my future before it comes. that would be a dream come true.
i feel so bad. because kyle wants to so badly help me. but he can't. he wants to talk and stuff but im just not in the mood. im jsut so..empty? i guess. i view things as things that turn on me. i see situations like they are all my fault. and im scared of everything. i love kyle so much, and i feel like im killing him. to be honest, i wish i wans't even here. (NOTE:: THIS IS IN NO WAY A SUICIDE WISH. been there::done that::) oka? its just, i dont understand what im supposed to do. i pretend like everything is okay, because i dont want to suck anyone into my crazy, insane mind. trust me, you dont want to be there.
so school tomorrow is sounding real bad right about now. i just hate walking into the class by myself, and i hate finding a seat, and i hate watching people talk and just be instant friends. i hate it because i want so badly to be like that. Paulette says to force myself - to pretend im extremly confident. but its not as easy as it sounds. not only am i petrified of being confident, im petrified of being rejected.
so thats my life. depressing, empty and just plain insane.
be happy you're not me.
and a little something for kyle - who i love dearly.
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
[Chorus]
I've been dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead.
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
[Chorus x2]
The greatest fan of your life.
...greatest fan of your life.