Episode ★ 11 ★
TONIGHT on the Report...
[ HMD ]
How's My Driving? I thought you were talking about House M.D.
[ JURASSIC PARK V: THE UNLOST WORLD ]
A new game has reared it's scaly head with the premise like most pan-fandom games...but with dinosaurs.
My guest tonight--well, why don't you just wait and see.
I'll take the bad odors out of your fabrics and replace it with the stench of Truth. This is The Colbert Roleplay Report.
Welcome to the Report, Nation. I'm sure you've noticed that today is, in fact, Saturday. Now, it has nothing to do with Friday not being good enough - I prefer Friday. But after getting a notification and having some of my house staff going on strike, I'm forced to listen to the labor unions I'm required to recognize because of the far Left. So for now, the Report will be taking place on Saturdays. Bear with me, but not with bears. I think we should change the spelling of that word. Or maybe use a different word entirely. Turkey with me, folks. We'll get through these hard times.
I have to say, Nation, I'm disappointed. I called upon your amazing Photoshop skills and devotion to me in Episode 10, but I did not receive one submission to my Superhero Me Contest. We're doing this not only for the fact that we all want to see my head put on Spider-man's body, but that I was called upon one of you to fight, and for that I need the appropriate issue cover before I can jump into action.
So I'm giving you another chance. If you can send in your submissions to colonel.of.truthiness(at)gmail.com, and we've changed the prize to a $5 gift certificate to the LiveJournal store instead. I'm counting on you, Nation. Make me even greater than I already am. It's a hard goal to be sure, but if anyone can do it, we can.
And before we begin, I want to say that roleplaysecrets, you didn't fool me!
★ HMD
If you've been involved in any sort of Roleplay you have witnessed "HMD events", or "How's My Driving"? Now, before you get confused, no, it has nothing to do with driving an eighteen-wheeler down the freeway, going some 20+ miles over the speed limit and making all lower-weight vehicles wary of your presence as you tear down the fast lane. It's just a clever little tag line for getting feedback on how players are portraying their characters.
But this name is a misnomer; 7 out of 10 How's My Driving? posts consist entirely of fangirling praise about how you just play the best version of that character ever, and how they adore the way you keep him/her/it adorable/rugged/stoic without being annoying. And this pisses me off.
This is just another example of the Apoco-left teaching us to coddle our children and reward the for accomplishments they never achieved. It's just like handing out trophies to losing indoor third-grade soccer teams. If you reward people for sucking, how are they going to learn to not suck? Now, not all HMD memes end up that way; some do give actual criticism. Half of those end up with either causing players to drop from the game due to the reaction to the characters, or a Jerry Springer style of "you don't know me" backlash, accusing the critiquer of unfair hate towards the player, thus making their opinion null and void.
But if you're like me, this is what is sitting on the rear-end of all your characters:
Now, before I go into detail, I'm going to ask that any player without a paid account and 100+ userpictures spaces for their character turn away and skip down to the sponsor. Because it's now time for Colbert Platinum.
★ C~O~L~B~E~R~T P~L~A~T~I~N~U~M
Are they gone? Good. This is information just for the Roleplaying elite, defined by how much money you are willing to spend a month to make a fictional character you aren't in real life look good on the internet. We know that the extra $7 every 2 months is completely worth it, even though we will never actually hold what our hands are paying for. No, we know the value of money and a 100x100 pixeled icon, because that's really the only reason to get a paid account.
Now, we know that How's My Driving? Posts only apply to those either fishing for compliments or who are insecure about their characterization. But we know we don't need the opinion of the masses - we are all ready the best version of our characters. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just jealous that they don't have a paid account, but if they don't have the $42 to spend every year on LiveJournal accounts, it's their fault.
The only thing that could make our self-assured method of Roleplaying better is the proper accessories to accent our top of the line characterization. As a member of Colbert Platinum, only you get these special offers.
We all know MacBook Pros are an expensive, and well-run laptop, but what could be better than a gold-plated and diamond-encrusted personal computer?
After spending $2,000-$3,000 on your new MacBook Pro, you can get it gold or platinum plated for only $1,200-$1,500. And for an extra $2,400, you can get it encrusted completely in diamonds. Make yourself the envy of all of your online friends who will most likely never see your supreme computer, but you will know with every click of your gold or platinum key, that you are the cream of the crop.
Running out of space to keep your multitudes of icons and logs? Thankfully, Colbert Platinum has a solution for you.
This 16 GB Flash Drive is as perfect accent to your pimped-out personal computer. Covered in gold and studded with three diamonds, it costs $5,650, which is probably more than your Roleplaying buddies spent on their computer as a whole. Bring it to work and make yourself the envy of all your cubicle mates as you waste your time checking LiveJournal instead of typing up those figures. Priorities.
Finally, complete the combination with the most expensive item, but one of the most essential.
This gold plated and diamond encrusted iPod Shuffle will play your Roleplaying Soundtracks in style. At just $40,000, every $.99 song from iTunes will seem like nothing.
With this trio, you and I will never feel inferior in our Roleplaying prowess. Because when your accessories sparkle, you won't care who thinks your take on Sasuke has fallen from canon. They don't have a gold computer. And in the end, that's what's important.
★ A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS...
One of the most important aspects of our Nation is our devotion to democracy. Sometimes that ideal is forgotten in the land of Online Roleplaying, with 16 year-old mods favoring their final decision based on whether they like your character or not. Now, I'm a big fan of final judgment, but how do we know we can trust these overlords? Thankfully, netherworld_rpg has fixed this for us: darkassembly, an In-Game Democratic forum where characters can bring their concerns in-game to a group of NPCs controlled by those overlords we question. It's democracy as it was meant to be; accomplished with behind-the-scenes negotiations and bribing in hopes that a little digital penguin will give your character a rocket launcher. So if you want to be part of an Roleplaying Game that has the same ideals we all have, join netherworld_rpg, and be sure to hire a good lobbyist.
★ JURASSIC PARK V: THE UNLOST WORLD
Just when you thought there shouldn't be any other sequels, the internets has found another outlet for the idea of an island ruled by beasts of the past. And by past, I mean the bones that Jesus put around the Earth 2000 years ago to make us believe that Dinosaurs actually roamed the earth some 65 million years ago. Now, I'm not naive enough to believe that there was a period of over 100 million years in which giant lizards roamed the earth, eating each other only to die because they got hit by a rock.
But let's face it, folks, Dinosaurs are terrifying. And instead of the over-used broken-down, empty city or group of evil scientists wanting to use your character for their super powers premises, ingen_rpg has transported your character into the world of Jurassic Park instead.
The sheer number of characters on reserve is mind-blogging for a Roleplay that hasn't even opened yet. With reserves like Ace Ventura, Carmen Sandiago, and I swear there was a Bill Nye on there some where...this is bound to be a Roleplay to keep an eye on. Or join and spend your free time running away from the "meat-a-sauruses".
Me? I would use my super powers to tame the Raptors and ride them into glory. And by super powers, I mean the mold of their nasal cavity that we saw in Jurassic Park III. Or maybe it was vocal cords - it's been a while. Either way, I would become the leader of the tribe, and we would spend our time punishing the unrighteous and posing for pictures to use in Dinotopia.
And then I would teach them that they didn't actually exist. Maybe we would have the first generation of Christian Dinosaurs? They would be the best missionaries.
Move over, Mormons! We've finally found a useful outlet for these overgrown lizards. If that thing came to your door offering you a thoughtful discussion on religion? Would you say "no"? If you did, it would probably eat you, so your answer would have to be a resounding "yes".
On that note, I would teach them to talk. Growling will only get you so far, though I doubt telling them that they're not making sense when reciting Leviticous. But I'm getting off-topic.
ingen_rpg is opening on the 15th of April, and they all ready have an impressive set of potential characters. My question to the mods of this game is this: do we get to vote people off the island? Because this could be one good reality television show.
I look forward to tuning in to you, ingen_rpg! Don't go and disappoint me, or my Raptor friends and I will have to have a little chat.
My guest tonight is so amazing, even I don't know who it is yet. The guest tonight is whoever responds to the Special Guest comment first. I look forward to what you have to say about me.
[ HMD ]
How's My Driving? I thought you were talking about House M.D.
[ JURASSIC PARK V: THE UNLOST WORLD ]
A new game has reared it's scaly head with the premise like most pan-fandom games...but with dinosaurs.
My guest tonight--well, why don't you just wait and see.
I'll take the bad odors out of your fabrics and replace it with the stench of Truth. This is The Colbert Roleplay Report.
Welcome to the Report, Nation. I'm sure you've noticed that today is, in fact, Saturday. Now, it has nothing to do with Friday not being good enough - I prefer Friday. But after getting a notification and having some of my house staff going on strike, I'm forced to listen to the labor unions I'm required to recognize because of the far Left. So for now, the Report will be taking place on Saturdays. Bear with me, but not with bears. I think we should change the spelling of that word. Or maybe use a different word entirely. Turkey with me, folks. We'll get through these hard times.
I have to say, Nation, I'm disappointed. I called upon your amazing Photoshop skills and devotion to me in Episode 10, but I did not receive one submission to my Superhero Me Contest. We're doing this not only for the fact that we all want to see my head put on Spider-man's body, but that I was called upon one of you to fight, and for that I need the appropriate issue cover before I can jump into action.
So I'm giving you another chance. If you can send in your submissions to colonel.of.truthiness(at)gmail.com, and we've changed the prize to a $5 gift certificate to the LiveJournal store instead. I'm counting on you, Nation. Make me even greater than I already am. It's a hard goal to be sure, but if anyone can do it, we can.
And before we begin, I want to say that roleplaysecrets, you didn't fool me!
★ HMD
If you've been involved in any sort of Roleplay you have witnessed "HMD events", or "How's My Driving"? Now, before you get confused, no, it has nothing to do with driving an eighteen-wheeler down the freeway, going some 20+ miles over the speed limit and making all lower-weight vehicles wary of your presence as you tear down the fast lane. It's just a clever little tag line for getting feedback on how players are portraying their characters.
But this name is a misnomer; 7 out of 10 How's My Driving? posts consist entirely of fangirling praise about how you just play the best version of that character ever, and how they adore the way you keep him/her/it adorable/rugged/stoic without being annoying. And this pisses me off.
This is just another example of the Apoco-left teaching us to coddle our children and reward the for accomplishments they never achieved. It's just like handing out trophies to losing indoor third-grade soccer teams. If you reward people for sucking, how are they going to learn to not suck? Now, not all HMD memes end up that way; some do give actual criticism. Half of those end up with either causing players to drop from the game due to the reaction to the characters, or a Jerry Springer style of "you don't know me" backlash, accusing the critiquer of unfair hate towards the player, thus making their opinion null and void.
But if you're like me, this is what is sitting on the rear-end of all your characters:
Now, before I go into detail, I'm going to ask that any player without a paid account and 100+ userpictures spaces for their character turn away and skip down to the sponsor. Because it's now time for Colbert Platinum.
★ C~O~L~B~E~R~T P~L~A~T~I~N~U~M
Are they gone? Good. This is information just for the Roleplaying elite, defined by how much money you are willing to spend a month to make a fictional character you aren't in real life look good on the internet. We know that the extra $7 every 2 months is completely worth it, even though we will never actually hold what our hands are paying for. No, we know the value of money and a 100x100 pixeled icon, because that's really the only reason to get a paid account.
Now, we know that How's My Driving? Posts only apply to those either fishing for compliments or who are insecure about their characterization. But we know we don't need the opinion of the masses - we are all ready the best version of our characters. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just jealous that they don't have a paid account, but if they don't have the $42 to spend every year on LiveJournal accounts, it's their fault.
The only thing that could make our self-assured method of Roleplaying better is the proper accessories to accent our top of the line characterization. As a member of Colbert Platinum, only you get these special offers.
We all know MacBook Pros are an expensive, and well-run laptop, but what could be better than a gold-plated and diamond-encrusted personal computer?
After spending $2,000-$3,000 on your new MacBook Pro, you can get it gold or platinum plated for only $1,200-$1,500. And for an extra $2,400, you can get it encrusted completely in diamonds. Make yourself the envy of all of your online friends who will most likely never see your supreme computer, but you will know with every click of your gold or platinum key, that you are the cream of the crop.
Running out of space to keep your multitudes of icons and logs? Thankfully, Colbert Platinum has a solution for you.
This 16 GB Flash Drive is as perfect accent to your pimped-out personal computer. Covered in gold and studded with three diamonds, it costs $5,650, which is probably more than your Roleplaying buddies spent on their computer as a whole. Bring it to work and make yourself the envy of all your cubicle mates as you waste your time checking LiveJournal instead of typing up those figures. Priorities.
Finally, complete the combination with the most expensive item, but one of the most essential.
This gold plated and diamond encrusted iPod Shuffle will play your Roleplaying Soundtracks in style. At just $40,000, every $.99 song from iTunes will seem like nothing.
With this trio, you and I will never feel inferior in our Roleplaying prowess. Because when your accessories sparkle, you won't care who thinks your take on Sasuke has fallen from canon. They don't have a gold computer. And in the end, that's what's important.
★ A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS...
One of the most important aspects of our Nation is our devotion to democracy. Sometimes that ideal is forgotten in the land of Online Roleplaying, with 16 year-old mods favoring their final decision based on whether they like your character or not. Now, I'm a big fan of final judgment, but how do we know we can trust these overlords? Thankfully, netherworld_rpg has fixed this for us: darkassembly, an In-Game Democratic forum where characters can bring their concerns in-game to a group of NPCs controlled by those overlords we question. It's democracy as it was meant to be; accomplished with behind-the-scenes negotiations and bribing in hopes that a little digital penguin will give your character a rocket launcher. So if you want to be part of an Roleplaying Game that has the same ideals we all have, join netherworld_rpg, and be sure to hire a good lobbyist.
★ JURASSIC PARK V: THE UNLOST WORLD
Just when you thought there shouldn't be any other sequels, the internets has found another outlet for the idea of an island ruled by beasts of the past. And by past, I mean the bones that Jesus put around the Earth 2000 years ago to make us believe that Dinosaurs actually roamed the earth some 65 million years ago. Now, I'm not naive enough to believe that there was a period of over 100 million years in which giant lizards roamed the earth, eating each other only to die because they got hit by a rock.
But let's face it, folks, Dinosaurs are terrifying. And instead of the over-used broken-down, empty city or group of evil scientists wanting to use your character for their super powers premises, ingen_rpg has transported your character into the world of Jurassic Park instead.
The sheer number of characters on reserve is mind-blogging for a Roleplay that hasn't even opened yet. With reserves like Ace Ventura, Carmen Sandiago, and I swear there was a Bill Nye on there some where...this is bound to be a Roleplay to keep an eye on. Or join and spend your free time running away from the "meat-a-sauruses".
Me? I would use my super powers to tame the Raptors and ride them into glory. And by super powers, I mean the mold of their nasal cavity that we saw in Jurassic Park III. Or maybe it was vocal cords - it's been a while. Either way, I would become the leader of the tribe, and we would spend our time punishing the unrighteous and posing for pictures to use in Dinotopia.
And then I would teach them that they didn't actually exist. Maybe we would have the first generation of Christian Dinosaurs? They would be the best missionaries.
Move over, Mormons! We've finally found a useful outlet for these overgrown lizards. If that thing came to your door offering you a thoughtful discussion on religion? Would you say "no"? If you did, it would probably eat you, so your answer would have to be a resounding "yes".
On that note, I would teach them to talk. Growling will only get you so far, though I doubt telling them that they're not making sense when reciting Leviticous. But I'm getting off-topic.
ingen_rpg is opening on the 15th of April, and they all ready have an impressive set of potential characters. My question to the mods of this game is this: do we get to vote people off the island? Because this could be one good reality television show.
I look forward to tuning in to you, ingen_rpg! Don't go and disappoint me, or my Raptor friends and I will have to have a little chat.
My guest tonight is so amazing, even I don't know who it is yet. The guest tonight is whoever responds to the Special Guest comment first. I look forward to what you have to say about me.