Dear Ronface,
I know that nobody uses livejournal anymore, but it does matter. Ron, Tonight, I literally sat in my room for hours reading all of my old posts to you, and yours to me. Words cannot describe how much you mean to me. I love you with all of my heart, every single piece of it. I always have and i always will. Looking back is crazy, you were my one true best friend that stuck by me through the years. Even when you and i lost touch for a little while, i was always able to call you out of nowhere and know that things didn't change. That no matter what our friendship was deep than time or distance. I knew that whenever things fell apart for me you were the first person i could turn to. And you always picked me back up. When you told me you enlisted, i was upset, and i appreciate that you left the details of that part of you life out of our friendship. I remember the first time you went away, texting you the entire time you drove back to georgia. I remember crying for four days straight. I remember dropping everything every time i would see a strange number calling me. As time went on, it got easier to watch you come and go. I always waited for that unexpected phone calling tell me you just got back in the states and telling me you would be home soon. You were so strong, stronger than anyone i know. You helped me so much in becoming who i am. I never thought that i would be sitting here today without you. I miss you so much. Sometimes, i think about you and it doesn't feel real. I'm still waiting for you to come home. And other times, i just break down crying. Everyone keeps on telling me that it's going to get easier as time goes on. I've got to be honest, weeks have gone by now and i told dave earlier, that it feels like im stuck on April 23rd. Everyday i wake up and it's April 23rd. I relive the pain of hearing that you're never coming home again every single day. It doesn't feel any easier than it did that day. I'm pretty convince it never will. When Tommy, Crockett, and Max were home it felt almost normal, almost like you were with us. It felt like when we were together something was holding us together. Everyone misses you so much. But now i'm in stupid whiting, by myself reading old posts and looking at old pictures. I know that you knew i love you more than anything, but i want to tell you one more time. The hardest part of all of this is that whenever i felt like my world was falling apart you were always the one to help me pick up the pieces and offer to fight anyone that did it to me. And now i need you the most and you arent here. I dream about you almost every single night. Sometimes when i dream about you, i know its just my brain thinking about you too much. Other times, it feels like it's really you. Like you're really there...and i hate waking up. I just want to stay sleeping so i can see you. I find myself trying to find you places...everywhere i go. Whether it be in complete strangers, or people i already know. But i can't...you're unlike anyone in this world. I told you along time ago that you are way too good of a friend to lose, and that i'll never find someone like you again, and i don't plan on it. I can promise that this is true, even if i wanted to, it isnt possible. My body physically hurts from the pain of not having you here. I would do anything for you to come over one more time and pick me up off the ground and say "sup kid, how ya been?" and for me to scream "i missssedddd youuu" and not let go until you tell me you missed me back. I really just want you back so bad. Everyone keeps telling me to look back on all of our memories and be happy, but i can't, i wish i had video taped them or something, it all just hurts. A few nights ago i started to lose it and i couldn't fall asleep. Out of nowhere i started to doze off and thought that you were holding my hand, and i woke up and i was squeezing my hand in a fist so hard it hurt. Last week i saw you in a dream and i called your name and you said "i'm not ron" and i saw your eyes and i told you that i would know them anywhere, that i missed them so much. And you smiled and told me to "come back sometime kid". I can't get back to that dream. I woke up and wished that my real life was just a nightmare. I know that you're probably watching me now laughing and saying "stop being an emo fuck", but i have to tell you, hearing it from you is a lot easier. I miss you Ronface, you're still my best friend and i'll love you forever.
<3Rokki
<3Rokki