Divorce?
I am so confused. Mic has been talking about a divorce for days. It just blindsided me; came out of nowhere; there was no writing on that damn wall to be seen! He is so calm about it which is pissing me off. Mic is not a calm person. He is emotional. Logic is my realm. I cannot fight logic with logic on this! He says he is bored with me, that we are bored with each other. He sighs that we married so young and "settled" for one another. If I didn't know him so well, I would think he was seeing someone else.
He really is reminding me of those sickening years I wasted with Dan. Every time he wanted to sleep with someone else and not have his conscience-induced hangover the next day, he would convince it me it was in my best interest for us to break up. Now, 10 years later, here is Mic saying we would be better apart. I cannot get him to budge!
This is taking over everything. I have no appetite. I am so scatter brained that I could not even concentrate long enough to write my assigned paper this week. He is convinced that someone else will make each of us happy. That is not an option for me! He may be able to find someone else and then waste her time and break up with her somewhere down the road, but I have responsibilities! How can I possibly even think about attempting a new relationship when I have school to finish, a career to launch, a book to write, and, most importantly, three girls to raise! I am not going to bring a strange man around them. Besides, how many men would want an overweight, mother of three, one of whom is autistic?!
What can I do? I love Mic but I despise the way he is making me feel right now. He won't consider marriage counseling, says it's for losers. His mother, whom he adores, is getting her masters in counseling! He would rather lose a 10 year investment and a woman who loves him than swallow his pride and get help for our problems. God! I didn't even know we had problems!!!! I hate this, I friggin' hate this! I gave up so much because of him. I changed so much because of him. Some good things, some bad. Why is it that it takes two to make a marriage work but only one to end it?!
I should take the decision from him... no, that's just foolish pride making a nest on my shoulder. I recognize a few benefits to splitting up. I wouldn't have to run things by another person. I can cook whatever I want (he is a picky eater). I can arrange furniture however. Blare my music, ...paint, scrapbook, read.... But.... Mic is my partner, I have built my life with him and around him. Life would go on without him because I will never let my children down.... still.... why is he not even willing to consider ways to improve or strengthen our relationship?! Are we really not worth the effort??? He runs away from his problem; hell! his family taught him that survival technique! It's what he knows. He's already been divorced once; maybe it's like a shark tasting human blood: he has taste for it. Stupid thought. Stupid man. I love him. I want to hit him over the head with a shovel.
He recently started talking to Ilona. From what I can tell she's been blowing him off. Still, the things he's said... If he had been the man he is now while he was with her, maybe they would have worked out. Am I fool? Is he still in love with his ex-wife? Honestly, a very small part- and I mean microscopic in size- of me still loves Dan. I would never give half a thought to getting back together with him, though. The whole situation was tragic and the post break-up brought out a side in many that I do not ever want to risk seeing again.
I am trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation. I hate this. I HATE THIS! I want to scream, I want to cry. I cannot do anything to stop this. I feel helpless, I AM helpless. How can he do this to me???????
He really is reminding me of those sickening years I wasted with Dan. Every time he wanted to sleep with someone else and not have his conscience-induced hangover the next day, he would convince it me it was in my best interest for us to break up. Now, 10 years later, here is Mic saying we would be better apart. I cannot get him to budge!
This is taking over everything. I have no appetite. I am so scatter brained that I could not even concentrate long enough to write my assigned paper this week. He is convinced that someone else will make each of us happy. That is not an option for me! He may be able to find someone else and then waste her time and break up with her somewhere down the road, but I have responsibilities! How can I possibly even think about attempting a new relationship when I have school to finish, a career to launch, a book to write, and, most importantly, three girls to raise! I am not going to bring a strange man around them. Besides, how many men would want an overweight, mother of three, one of whom is autistic?!
What can I do? I love Mic but I despise the way he is making me feel right now. He won't consider marriage counseling, says it's for losers. His mother, whom he adores, is getting her masters in counseling! He would rather lose a 10 year investment and a woman who loves him than swallow his pride and get help for our problems. God! I didn't even know we had problems!!!! I hate this, I friggin' hate this! I gave up so much because of him. I changed so much because of him. Some good things, some bad. Why is it that it takes two to make a marriage work but only one to end it?!
I should take the decision from him... no, that's just foolish pride making a nest on my shoulder. I recognize a few benefits to splitting up. I wouldn't have to run things by another person. I can cook whatever I want (he is a picky eater). I can arrange furniture however. Blare my music, ...paint, scrapbook, read.... But.... Mic is my partner, I have built my life with him and around him. Life would go on without him because I will never let my children down.... still.... why is he not even willing to consider ways to improve or strengthen our relationship?! Are we really not worth the effort??? He runs away from his problem; hell! his family taught him that survival technique! It's what he knows. He's already been divorced once; maybe it's like a shark tasting human blood: he has taste for it. Stupid thought. Stupid man. I love him. I want to hit him over the head with a shovel.
He recently started talking to Ilona. From what I can tell she's been blowing him off. Still, the things he's said... If he had been the man he is now while he was with her, maybe they would have worked out. Am I fool? Is he still in love with his ex-wife? Honestly, a very small part- and I mean microscopic in size- of me still loves Dan. I would never give half a thought to getting back together with him, though. The whole situation was tragic and the post break-up brought out a side in many that I do not ever want to risk seeing again.
I am trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation. I hate this. I HATE THIS! I want to scream, I want to cry. I cannot do anything to stop this. I feel helpless, I AM helpless. How can he do this to me???????