touching base with LJ
what has happened?
i went and got a job at a wholesale nursery. simple, physical and outdoors, should be good. but my anxieties didn't go away. so i gave it 11 weeks and then left.
i now have a new psychiatrist, my old one is having a sabbatical for a year (he's studying the visual daydreams of blind people). the new one is like, my age, really young. it's intimidating.
But he's really really good.
He's a Buddhist (last guy was Catholic), which is cool coz it's always been interesting.
And it's very handy as i think the best way to improve is to start meditating regularly, and he's supportive of that. Which should help me keep with it this time. I've tried yoga and meditation on and off over the past few years, and it's bothersome how i havn't kept it up.
i overintelectualise everything, which is not entirely bad, but it's a way to hide from fear. And i'm overwhelmed.
So i will try to quiet the mind. And not use it to hide.
Fear is a negative aspect of intuition and living in the moment, as it's something you feel wholely (ie: intuition) but don't want to.
I DO want to intuitively feel other things, that's why i love learning. So after quieting the stuff getting in the way, i want to allow my mind to explore again without that baggage.
It's difficult to know how deep this goes, even as a little kid i've always been one to intelectualise - to find the logic gaps and loopholes in rules (i hated rules). Has this intelectualising always been to hide from fears? i'm not sure.
everywhere i go there i am.
the freedom to be no-one.
i now have 9 text documents full of journal entries (i write there instead of here, it's quicker, they are right there on my desktop, when one seems too huge i start a new one next to it)
i want to post them here, incase my HDD dies and i loose them. i'm not sure whether to post them friends-only or private.
i went and got a job at a wholesale nursery. simple, physical and outdoors, should be good. but my anxieties didn't go away. so i gave it 11 weeks and then left.
i now have a new psychiatrist, my old one is having a sabbatical for a year (he's studying the visual daydreams of blind people). the new one is like, my age, really young. it's intimidating.
But he's really really good.
He's a Buddhist (last guy was Catholic), which is cool coz it's always been interesting.
And it's very handy as i think the best way to improve is to start meditating regularly, and he's supportive of that. Which should help me keep with it this time. I've tried yoga and meditation on and off over the past few years, and it's bothersome how i havn't kept it up.
i overintelectualise everything, which is not entirely bad, but it's a way to hide from fear. And i'm overwhelmed.
So i will try to quiet the mind. And not use it to hide.
Fear is a negative aspect of intuition and living in the moment, as it's something you feel wholely (ie: intuition) but don't want to.
I DO want to intuitively feel other things, that's why i love learning. So after quieting the stuff getting in the way, i want to allow my mind to explore again without that baggage.
It's difficult to know how deep this goes, even as a little kid i've always been one to intelectualise - to find the logic gaps and loopholes in rules (i hated rules). Has this intelectualising always been to hide from fears? i'm not sure.
everywhere i go there i am.
the freedom to be no-one.
i now have 9 text documents full of journal entries (i write there instead of here, it's quicker, they are right there on my desktop, when one seems too huge i start a new one next to it)
i want to post them here, incase my HDD dies and i loose them. i'm not sure whether to post them friends-only or private.