link between yearning for altered mental state, my history of meds, and subconscious self-masochism
(XXXXX is someone else. Also a lot of their and my messages are taken out - context is still preserved, but conversation flow is not real)
[02:24] roidkthx: i think i'm subconsciously taking myself off my meds
[02:25] XXXXX: not taking them anymore?
[02:25] roidkthx: no i am. but i wanted to cut them down, so i did (after getting the ok from the psychiatrist. but a few days ago i was kinda thinking... it woudl be great to not be taking these right now
[02:26] roidkthx: and then i thought... hey.. i've felt like that for the past... ages
[02:26] roidkthx: weird how things are hidden from us. bleh
[02:27] roidkthx: i think i didn't stop them, because i wasn't that self-masachistic
[02:27] roidkthx: i DID that with teh zoloft though
[02:27] roidkthx: i must've been feeling particularly Self-masaochistic
[02:29] roidkthx: iv'e kinda been semi-consciously planning my own reduction of the meds.
[02:29] roidkthx: but really... i don't know why
[02:29] XXXXX: what are you on again right now?
[02:29] roidkthx: i'm currently on 150mg long release effexor. i used to be on 225mg
[02:30] roidkthx: then the next down is 75
[02:30] roidkthx: it goes in lots of 75
[02:30] roidkthx: it's possible i'm just doing all of this for my drug curiosity
[02:31] roidkthx: i just want altered states
[02:31] roidkthx: when i stopped my zoloft, and when i semi-consciously decided to reduce the effexor. i wanted an altered state too, coz i knew it woudl be different to how i currently was (that i was by then used to)
[02:32] roidkthx: i do actually want to have a drug habit for a while
[02:32] roidkthx: not in the "argh this sucks" sense. but in the "lets get used to this" sense
[02:33] roidkthx: i mean in the sense of "take this... until you get used to it"
[02:33] roidkthx: not just "take this socially"
[02:33] roidkthx: i want to LIVE it
[02:33] roidkthx: not be a tourist
[02:33] XXXXX: sounds interesting but not worth it in the end
[02:34] roidkthx: i have a lot of drug knowledge
[02:34] roidkthx: and know a fair bit of neuroscience
[02:34] roidkthx: and am very disiplined, and used to interupting addictive behaviours
[02:34] roidkthx: what does worry me though is my ambivolence to my health
[02:35] XXXXX: i need to eat breakfast though *starving*, ttyl
[02:35] roidkthx: i don't. heh
[02:35] roidkthx: i never want to eat :P
relevant background info:
- a few years ago i was on Zoloft, the highest dose. from this dose i stopped it cold turkey, i think because i was bored and subconsciously wanted to experience the harsh comedown (ie: maybe self-masochism). but for some reason it produced no harsh comedown. i was on it for a number of months.
- i've been on effexor for a number of months, but havn't got close to the higgest dose yet. i figured the greater akathesia my greater doses were producing was getting too bad.
- ever since i was diagnosed as type 1 diabetic i've not enjoyed food as much (perhaps because of the association with having to injet myself). Also since a deep depression around 3-5 years ago where i lost my entire appetite (anorexia nervosa), since then it has still not returned much, i am still rarely ever hungry and need to force myself to eat.
- diabetes is no walk in the park to manage. i have a lot of experience with dangerously high and low blood sugar levels, sugar/carbohydrate (dopamine) withdrawl, and strict forced diets. Also handling & using syringes is 2nd nature, but i still don't like them.
so yeah, i wonder if the meds have always been simply altered states (drugs) /slash/ self-masochism
[02:24] roidkthx: i think i'm subconsciously taking myself off my meds
[02:25] XXXXX: not taking them anymore?
[02:25] roidkthx: no i am. but i wanted to cut them down, so i did (after getting the ok from the psychiatrist. but a few days ago i was kinda thinking... it woudl be great to not be taking these right now
[02:26] roidkthx: and then i thought... hey.. i've felt like that for the past... ages
[02:26] roidkthx: weird how things are hidden from us. bleh
[02:27] roidkthx: i think i didn't stop them, because i wasn't that self-masachistic
[02:27] roidkthx: i DID that with teh zoloft though
[02:27] roidkthx: i must've been feeling particularly Self-masaochistic
[02:29] roidkthx: iv'e kinda been semi-consciously planning my own reduction of the meds.
[02:29] roidkthx: but really... i don't know why
[02:29] XXXXX: what are you on again right now?
[02:29] roidkthx: i'm currently on 150mg long release effexor. i used to be on 225mg
[02:30] roidkthx: then the next down is 75
[02:30] roidkthx: it goes in lots of 75
[02:30] roidkthx: it's possible i'm just doing all of this for my drug curiosity
[02:31] roidkthx: i just want altered states
[02:31] roidkthx: when i stopped my zoloft, and when i semi-consciously decided to reduce the effexor. i wanted an altered state too, coz i knew it woudl be different to how i currently was (that i was by then used to)
[02:32] roidkthx: i do actually want to have a drug habit for a while
[02:32] roidkthx: not in the "argh this sucks" sense. but in the "lets get used to this" sense
[02:33] roidkthx: i mean in the sense of "take this... until you get used to it"
[02:33] roidkthx: not just "take this socially"
[02:33] roidkthx: i want to LIVE it
[02:33] roidkthx: not be a tourist
[02:33] XXXXX: sounds interesting but not worth it in the end
[02:34] roidkthx: i have a lot of drug knowledge
[02:34] roidkthx: and know a fair bit of neuroscience
[02:34] roidkthx: and am very disiplined, and used to interupting addictive behaviours
[02:34] roidkthx: what does worry me though is my ambivolence to my health
[02:35] XXXXX: i need to eat breakfast though *starving*, ttyl
[02:35] roidkthx: i don't. heh
[02:35] roidkthx: i never want to eat :P
relevant background info:
- a few years ago i was on Zoloft, the highest dose. from this dose i stopped it cold turkey, i think because i was bored and subconsciously wanted to experience the harsh comedown (ie: maybe self-masochism). but for some reason it produced no harsh comedown. i was on it for a number of months.
- i've been on effexor for a number of months, but havn't got close to the higgest dose yet. i figured the greater akathesia my greater doses were producing was getting too bad.
- ever since i was diagnosed as type 1 diabetic i've not enjoyed food as much (perhaps because of the association with having to injet myself). Also since a deep depression around 3-5 years ago where i lost my entire appetite (anorexia nervosa), since then it has still not returned much, i am still rarely ever hungry and need to force myself to eat.
- diabetes is no walk in the park to manage. i have a lot of experience with dangerously high and low blood sugar levels, sugar/carbohydrate (dopamine) withdrawl, and strict forced diets. Also handling & using syringes is 2nd nature, but i still don't like them.
so yeah, i wonder if the meds have always been simply altered states (drugs) /slash/ self-masochism