rar rar rar i am being ugly, ranting about my family.

[roid]

the past few days i've been increasingly sensative to noise, so i know something's up. Last night and this morning have been especially difficult. I noticed my blood sugars getting low lately, so i lowered my insulin doses. But today i tested my blood and it was a bit high, so i have given myself an extra dose to try to even it out asap

Comments

[star_laughter]

I'm starting to lose faith in anyone who tells anyone else how they are supposed to live. I've been in and out of doctor's offices all my life, and these days MOST people have been to SOMEONE to discuss their mental health. And yet for all their efforts, and all their medications, and all their therapy, i'm feeling just as confused as i was to start out, if not worse. i am absolutely not tellng you to take my advice or to compare yourself to my situations. everyone has a different situation. (but then...i guess we have to compare the similar too)

i have been trying for YEARS to solve all my own problems. I've read all kinds of texts, taken all kinds of advice, tried to understand all kinds of systems and theories. like that MBTI thing...i thought i had that one down to a science. but i found the more i read about it, and the more i inquired, the more i found that nobody seems to agree on anything. One psychologist will tell you one thing, one will tell you the exact opposite. because it's all about interpretation. people can help, but no one is really qualified to tell anyone else how their mind works.

try to throw away the concepts of objectivity and subjectivity for a moment. some will tell you that your reality is a little off from everyone else's reality, that it needs to be brought back to a 'normal' level. but as far as i'm concerned, your reality is your reality. EVERYONE has a reality a little different from someone else's, it's what makes them real. accepting your reality and becoming comfortable with it is the only thing you can do if you want to heal. no matter how much you feel it is different from everyone else, no matter how difficult you find it to relate to other people. it is impossible for you to relate yourself to others or figure out your place in society if you don't know who you are.

i'm very sorry if i make assuptions at all, i tend to do that. but if i could make a suggestion, perhaps consider a religion. i hear it's a tiny part of the brain, but then MOST of the parts of the brain that make an impact on our lives are really tiny. perhaps the greatest flaw of modern science is that we refuse to study the impact of morality. emotions are studied like lab rats. but all throughout history, people leaned on religion to sum up their traditions and their beliefs and their ideas on what is right or wrong. science isn't a religion. don't feel that you know more than religion, and don't try to explain it. it's never been explained yet, by anyone.

i don't know how you were raised. I don't know what impact religion might have been to you as a child. chances are, though, that you did question something at some point, probably many. but my advice is to find some sort of spirituality or religion that applies to you. but maybe start with what you know, and really look into it. if you really are an F, and not a T, than approach religion as what you FEEL about it, and not what you THINK about it. i'm not going to tell you what i believe in, because that is irrelevant to you, but i am going to tell you that you need to believe in something and let it have a part in your life.

[roid]

i find reading through stuff myself (mbti was good for a while) and keeping a journal is many times more helpful than the mental health industry. what i am finding the industry more helpful for however is for the respect it's langauge of diagnoses is engendered by people, it allows me to try to work through things myself feeing safe in the knowledge that the pressures of life's expectations are safely warded off by an official sounding excuse that people will actually respect (for once). So it's good for that shield it provides.
nevermind, blowing off more steam.

my search into religion is a central aspect of the whole situation.

[star_laughter]

well, that's good then. i kind of thought you were avoiding it, but that's just me assuming things again. as long as you're looking for religion, i'm sure you'll find it at some point or another. i hope sooner than later. you know yourself better than anyone. good luck!