This is more for me than you anyway
I've come to a conclusion. It's pretty clear I'm super sensitive about my writing. I'm shy about showing it to anyone. I'm embarrassed almost instantly after I do. I'm frustrated and angry at myself when I get something back with a low grade and I know that it's because I didn't invest all that I could into it. I don't like committing to a piece. I think it's because if I do, then I'm willingly taking more of my soul, putting it on paper and give it to someone to rip apart. It's what an artist does. I've discovered you can't be an artist and still try to protect yourself when you create. It doesn't work. It's not honest then. It's not really me and I should be embarrassed about it.
But I'm still sensitive. I still feel that critque deep. And it's because I do protect myself and I do end up regretting turning in something that I can't be proud of. I have a pride problem anyway. The only thing I'm proud and confident in is Soccer. Not even dance, even though I did it paralelle to soccer for almost ten years. I knew I wasn't the best at dance. But I know I'm an awesome soccer player. I may not have the tournment wins to prove it, but it's the only aspect in my life that I was proud of. I respected the coaches and gained their respect. I ran my ass off, never giving up on anything, trying so hard to push myself to the breaking point and the breaking point never came. I single-handedly kept my team alive in games. I'm bragging about it. It's the only thing I am proud of.
I want to be proud of my writing. It's going to be a huge part of my life. I feel like the only thing keeping it from being so instrumental now is my resistance to bare my soul. Not anymore. I'm going to work hard at it. I'm going to put as much effort into it as I possibly can, then take a short break and do it again. I'm going to make my pieces MINE, to the point where I don't have to be ashamed of them when I get them back.
And I'm not ever going to apologize for them. I never want to again. I'm going to own up to everything. It's my piece and I'm sticking by it. I'm not going to break when someone doesn't like it. I'm not going to apologize for making them read it. I'll take what they have to say and think of whether it's worth applying, but I have to finally realize that 1) yes I'm a beginning writer, trying to figure it all out and 2) that that doesn't matter and I should still try to blow their minds. And if they don't like it/understand it/ think I can make it, then well, that's their problem. I may try to make them explain but from now on, I'm going to be the cocky assholes I hate seeing online. Granted, I really won't, because I'm going to respect my readers, take their critique into account or ignore it whatever's appropriate and acknowledge perhaps it could still be improved, BUT I'm not going to apologize and Goddammit I'm going to WRITE. Heart and soul. Life and breath. Into every piece. I'm going to commit. I'm going MAKE it as a writer.
Fuck yeah.
But I'm still sensitive. I still feel that critque deep. And it's because I do protect myself and I do end up regretting turning in something that I can't be proud of. I have a pride problem anyway. The only thing I'm proud and confident in is Soccer. Not even dance, even though I did it paralelle to soccer for almost ten years. I knew I wasn't the best at dance. But I know I'm an awesome soccer player. I may not have the tournment wins to prove it, but it's the only aspect in my life that I was proud of. I respected the coaches and gained their respect. I ran my ass off, never giving up on anything, trying so hard to push myself to the breaking point and the breaking point never came. I single-handedly kept my team alive in games. I'm bragging about it. It's the only thing I am proud of.
I want to be proud of my writing. It's going to be a huge part of my life. I feel like the only thing keeping it from being so instrumental now is my resistance to bare my soul. Not anymore. I'm going to work hard at it. I'm going to put as much effort into it as I possibly can, then take a short break and do it again. I'm going to make my pieces MINE, to the point where I don't have to be ashamed of them when I get them back.
And I'm not ever going to apologize for them. I never want to again. I'm going to own up to everything. It's my piece and I'm sticking by it. I'm not going to break when someone doesn't like it. I'm not going to apologize for making them read it. I'll take what they have to say and think of whether it's worth applying, but I have to finally realize that 1) yes I'm a beginning writer, trying to figure it all out and 2) that that doesn't matter and I should still try to blow their minds. And if they don't like it/understand it/ think I can make it, then well, that's their problem. I may try to make them explain but from now on, I'm going to be the cocky assholes I hate seeing online. Granted, I really won't, because I'm going to respect my readers, take their critique into account or ignore it whatever's appropriate and acknowledge perhaps it could still be improved, BUT I'm not going to apologize and Goddammit I'm going to WRITE. Heart and soul. Life and breath. Into every piece. I'm going to commit. I'm going MAKE it as a writer.
Fuck yeah.