(no subject)
I don't know what to do. I really don't. I don't know what to say, feel, think... to make it better. To make it feel okay, and safe and real.
I had 2 and 1/2 hours sleep last night... and one of those was the hour I was meant to be up and getting ready for work... I am so insane to be always early for work that doing that did not make me too horribly late (I was technically on time). I am tired, miserable, really. I told Janine I would contact Oasis (our counsellors et al in work) next week and asked her to nag me into doing it... on the basis that the ones closer to home will take too long to get to and involve too much time off work - too many excuses for me to not go... Oasis is around the corner from work. In Gower Street.
But I am scared... my heart is pounding just thinking about making the phone call to make an appointment. I know this is the hardest step and everything else after this is progress on the way to wellness... But I am so low at the moment that that step towards okayness scares the living hell out of me.
No one being online tonight I guess is my excuse to try and get some sleep...
But right now, even that feels like too much effort.
It is effort to always dream the dreams I dream... and I wake up feeling just as tired as when I fell asleep... and still fighting the same thoughts.
I know that what I am doing is giving up... somehow, I am cursed with a knawing knowledge of what I am doing....
I had 2 and 1/2 hours sleep last night... and one of those was the hour I was meant to be up and getting ready for work... I am so insane to be always early for work that doing that did not make me too horribly late (I was technically on time). I am tired, miserable, really. I told Janine I would contact Oasis (our counsellors et al in work) next week and asked her to nag me into doing it... on the basis that the ones closer to home will take too long to get to and involve too much time off work - too many excuses for me to not go... Oasis is around the corner from work. In Gower Street.
But I am scared... my heart is pounding just thinking about making the phone call to make an appointment. I know this is the hardest step and everything else after this is progress on the way to wellness... But I am so low at the moment that that step towards okayness scares the living hell out of me.
No one being online tonight I guess is my excuse to try and get some sleep...
But right now, even that feels like too much effort.
It is effort to always dream the dreams I dream... and I wake up feeling just as tired as when I fell asleep... and still fighting the same thoughts.
I know that what I am doing is giving up... somehow, I am cursed with a knawing knowledge of what I am doing....