Am I seriously depressed...
I'm writing this kind of worried...I'm not sure about the state of me today, or for me for the last couple of weeks.
Look, seriously, before all this shit that has happened I was generally I believed a cheery person, generally happy and generally content with my position in the scale of life. But after, what I have taken to referring as 'The Shit', I'm not the person I once believed I was.
I think I begun to notice this, that I was slowly changing, when I started to dislike Kara and hate one of my friends for the first time, though I'm also not completely sure if this is a way to stop feelings from running amok, cause, as I have discovered, they want to go on a marathon of destruction. I don't think I've ever hated my friends before, sure they've pissed me off. But I never thought that I would actually hate them...but I don't know anymore. My values have been completely rotated, switched, and decimated.
It's pretty much obvious to me, that I don't usually get on with my family, no surprise, but when I have developed a complete indifference and I have lost every single thing that was once important to me, leaving me with a frustrating narcissism. I used to care, I used to freaking care for people. Now I don't seem to care about anything apart from my VCE, and its making me want to cry.
Today, it was one of the important Year 12 Days of the Year, one of the traditions that I have observed since I was in Year 7 and something that I always wanted to take part in. However, alately, as I aptly described to a few of my friends, I didn't 'give a fuck'. I'm confronted with this complete indifference towards all these events, and everything now appears grey and pointless. I'm stuck in this inertia and I'm completely hating it right now, though the thing that worries me is that way I'm developing more traditional forms of depression, and when I think about them afterwards, they kind of shock me.
Today, also wasn't the happiest of my days. But, as I sat on the stairs surrounded by people completely enjoying the 'muck-up-your-uniform-day' all I felt was sadness and segregation. I had all these strong urges to jump on cars, jump off the stairs, then I devoted the rest of my recess trying to make myself bleed by trying to pierce my thumb on my teeth. I don't know why, this is freaking scaring me. I've never felt this shit before. And as I type here, I shiver.
Furthermore, in maths, I felt so freaking down, tired and so freaking alone, I just tried to cry as I laid my head down on my desk. But once again, tears eluded me, leaving me so fucking alone.
This is really the epitome of not coolness, and I don't like this at all. But, when you don't seem to be caring for anything, it just seems to be the inevitable.
And I hate the inevitable.
Look, seriously, before all this shit that has happened I was generally I believed a cheery person, generally happy and generally content with my position in the scale of life. But after, what I have taken to referring as 'The Shit', I'm not the person I once believed I was.
I think I begun to notice this, that I was slowly changing, when I started to dislike Kara and hate one of my friends for the first time, though I'm also not completely sure if this is a way to stop feelings from running amok, cause, as I have discovered, they want to go on a marathon of destruction. I don't think I've ever hated my friends before, sure they've pissed me off. But I never thought that I would actually hate them...but I don't know anymore. My values have been completely rotated, switched, and decimated.
It's pretty much obvious to me, that I don't usually get on with my family, no surprise, but when I have developed a complete indifference and I have lost every single thing that was once important to me, leaving me with a frustrating narcissism. I used to care, I used to freaking care for people. Now I don't seem to care about anything apart from my VCE, and its making me want to cry.
Today, it was one of the important Year 12 Days of the Year, one of the traditions that I have observed since I was in Year 7 and something that I always wanted to take part in. However, alately, as I aptly described to a few of my friends, I didn't 'give a fuck'. I'm confronted with this complete indifference towards all these events, and everything now appears grey and pointless. I'm stuck in this inertia and I'm completely hating it right now, though the thing that worries me is that way I'm developing more traditional forms of depression, and when I think about them afterwards, they kind of shock me.
Today, also wasn't the happiest of my days. But, as I sat on the stairs surrounded by people completely enjoying the 'muck-up-your-uniform-day' all I felt was sadness and segregation. I had all these strong urges to jump on cars, jump off the stairs, then I devoted the rest of my recess trying to make myself bleed by trying to pierce my thumb on my teeth. I don't know why, this is freaking scaring me. I've never felt this shit before. And as I type here, I shiver.
Furthermore, in maths, I felt so freaking down, tired and so freaking alone, I just tried to cry as I laid my head down on my desk. But once again, tears eluded me, leaving me so fucking alone.
This is really the epitome of not coolness, and I don't like this at all. But, when you don't seem to be caring for anything, it just seems to be the inevitable.
And I hate the inevitable.