In the interest of disclosure and clarity
I am socially awkward sometimes.
There are two different kinds of reading people: general and personal. At the general kind, being with people and gauging where they're at how they feel about situations and other people and their levels of anxiety and confidence and their opinion on electrical outlets and what they ate for lunch etc. etc. etc. I am staggeringly accurate. (Though there are certainly times when I get this information and then decide to ignore it entirely) I do fantastically... until it becomes the personal kind and I have to read someone's moment to moment feelings about me, or something involving me, or something I'm doing, at which I have always been a little retarded. On the bare, vaguest surface level it's not so bad, but as soon as we're talking about deeper, more subtle thoughts, I begin to get confused. I'm utterly clouded by my own biases and the haze of the different way I perceive the world around me from the way most people do.
I have my moments/days/whatever of clarity, to be sure, and some people are simply easy to read, (this is a GOOD THING as far as I'm concerned. To me, being easy to read shows confidence and is a virtue not unlike honesty, and being purposely hard to read is cowardly.) no matter which kind of reading we're talking about, and some people are always a bit more difficult.
This refers to strangers and acquaintances, and perhaps new or very long absent friends who've changed a whole lot. Close friends obviously I often develop enough experience with to be able to tell the shifts in the subtle things, like most people, I'm relaxed by being around these people because I don't have to put out this herculean effort to get in their bubble, mentally, when it comes to me-related things.
Also, I think I tend to be close friends with people who are largely unreserved and accepting of me. Who care for me exactly as I am myself, and not as I am when I need to make an impression of normality. I like to be in places where other people are "weird", because other "weird" people seem, with some notable exceptions, to be a bit less quick to judge.
I am proud of friends and others who are genuine, even if this genuine-ness marks them as strange to other people. I am proud of anyone who is confident enough to actually be who they are, see the world from their own point of view, content enough to throw their personality at the great social walls and see what sticks, at least within the bounds of what they wouldn't mind receiving in return. (Do unto others and all that "don't be a douche" business)
Regardless, I try my best with unfamiliar people to be polite, respectful, cheerful, friendly, and to put them at ease. It's not as automatic for me as it is for others, and it takes conscious work to do so. Following the cues of the people around me only works when they're clear with me, which they often aren't for one reason or another whether they meant to be or not. Sometimes it works beautifully and people like me, sometimes it doesn't and they're confused or bothered by me -- and of those cases, some, the ones that make me a bit sad, use that to pick me out and mock me, ignore me, disrespect me, even try to hurt me, when I have tried to be nothing to them but courteous and respectful. This happens more than I like.
I've gotten better at sort of... playing the game... when I have to, as years have gone on. I do fine enough I guess in many situations, (I do a lot better with people who are above me in status/age/etc. since the traditional, easy hallmarks of respect go a lot farther with them and I can fall back on those things) but instead of it being automatic, I have to always remember and think about the rules, (imagine if you had to remember to blink, or had to consciously contract each of your posture muscles to not fall down) the lag for which makes things more awkward sometimes and I still slip up enough for it to be noticeable.
This is why communication is so important to me. This is a part of my love affair with language and words and using them in a straightforward and accurate way.
I live in this odd little world over here, and I love when people want to come and interact with it. Just that sometimes I'm not so good at disguising the differences between my world and other people's worlds, and some aren't so comfortable with what they find.
To anyone who considers themselves a close friend: Are you embarrassed by me and my strangeness, the things I say/wear/do/whatever? Do you wish I made more of an effort to blend in? Or are you comfortable/proud of the position I frequently take to simply be me, as unabashedly as I can, and almost use it as a litmus test to see who I want to be around and who I clearly don't?
To anyone who does not: Please try to forgive any offensive I have committed against you in error because it was probably not intended, just another flaky, disconnected moment for me. I'm alright, accustomed to people dismissing or rejecting me based on my weird way, but being unabashedly myself does not mean I want to push people away or hurt anyone. I absolutely don't. I want to make people happy as much as I can -- I simply won't pretend to be someone else in order to do it. So accept me or don't, but if you do not wish me harm then please be kind and clear about it.
Also anyone who wants to help me move over the next few days, just give me a call, I'm packing and I can use all the help I can get.
There are two different kinds of reading people: general and personal. At the general kind, being with people and gauging where they're at how they feel about situations and other people and their levels of anxiety and confidence and their opinion on electrical outlets and what they ate for lunch etc. etc. etc. I am staggeringly accurate. (Though there are certainly times when I get this information and then decide to ignore it entirely) I do fantastically... until it becomes the personal kind and I have to read someone's moment to moment feelings about me, or something involving me, or something I'm doing, at which I have always been a little retarded. On the bare, vaguest surface level it's not so bad, but as soon as we're talking about deeper, more subtle thoughts, I begin to get confused. I'm utterly clouded by my own biases and the haze of the different way I perceive the world around me from the way most people do.
I have my moments/days/whatever of clarity, to be sure, and some people are simply easy to read, (this is a GOOD THING as far as I'm concerned. To me, being easy to read shows confidence and is a virtue not unlike honesty, and being purposely hard to read is cowardly.) no matter which kind of reading we're talking about, and some people are always a bit more difficult.
This refers to strangers and acquaintances, and perhaps new or very long absent friends who've changed a whole lot. Close friends obviously I often develop enough experience with to be able to tell the shifts in the subtle things, like most people, I'm relaxed by being around these people because I don't have to put out this herculean effort to get in their bubble, mentally, when it comes to me-related things.
Also, I think I tend to be close friends with people who are largely unreserved and accepting of me. Who care for me exactly as I am myself, and not as I am when I need to make an impression of normality. I like to be in places where other people are "weird", because other "weird" people seem, with some notable exceptions, to be a bit less quick to judge.
I am proud of friends and others who are genuine, even if this genuine-ness marks them as strange to other people. I am proud of anyone who is confident enough to actually be who they are, see the world from their own point of view, content enough to throw their personality at the great social walls and see what sticks, at least within the bounds of what they wouldn't mind receiving in return. (Do unto others and all that "don't be a douche" business)
Regardless, I try my best with unfamiliar people to be polite, respectful, cheerful, friendly, and to put them at ease. It's not as automatic for me as it is for others, and it takes conscious work to do so. Following the cues of the people around me only works when they're clear with me, which they often aren't for one reason or another whether they meant to be or not. Sometimes it works beautifully and people like me, sometimes it doesn't and they're confused or bothered by me -- and of those cases, some, the ones that make me a bit sad, use that to pick me out and mock me, ignore me, disrespect me, even try to hurt me, when I have tried to be nothing to them but courteous and respectful. This happens more than I like.
I've gotten better at sort of... playing the game... when I have to, as years have gone on. I do fine enough I guess in many situations, (I do a lot better with people who are above me in status/age/etc. since the traditional, easy hallmarks of respect go a lot farther with them and I can fall back on those things) but instead of it being automatic, I have to always remember and think about the rules, (imagine if you had to remember to blink, or had to consciously contract each of your posture muscles to not fall down) the lag for which makes things more awkward sometimes and I still slip up enough for it to be noticeable.
This is why communication is so important to me. This is a part of my love affair with language and words and using them in a straightforward and accurate way.
I live in this odd little world over here, and I love when people want to come and interact with it. Just that sometimes I'm not so good at disguising the differences between my world and other people's worlds, and some aren't so comfortable with what they find.
To anyone who considers themselves a close friend: Are you embarrassed by me and my strangeness, the things I say/wear/do/whatever? Do you wish I made more of an effort to blend in? Or are you comfortable/proud of the position I frequently take to simply be me, as unabashedly as I can, and almost use it as a litmus test to see who I want to be around and who I clearly don't?
To anyone who does not: Please try to forgive any offensive I have committed against you in error because it was probably not intended, just another flaky, disconnected moment for me. I'm alright, accustomed to people dismissing or rejecting me based on my weird way, but being unabashedly myself does not mean I want to push people away or hurt anyone. I absolutely don't. I want to make people happy as much as I can -- I simply won't pretend to be someone else in order to do it. So accept me or don't, but if you do not wish me harm then please be kind and clear about it.
Also anyone who wants to help me move over the next few days, just give me a call, I'm packing and I can use all the help I can get.