Marinated Pork
I'm lazy, so I'm just going to copy the recipe as I have it. If the language is a touch offensive, I didn't write it.
Get out your checkbook and head down to the meat market for this fine meat:
Pork (Chops, steaks, or tenderloin.)
If there is any on sale, buy it. Pork is pork. It freezes for as long as you reasonably need it to, and bone-in is always both cheaper and a better deal.
Per each pound of slaughtered pig, pull together from any kitchen that is either yours or in the apartment of some fellow who does not lock his door quite often enough such delicious spices, herbs and meats such as:
1 clove garlic (buy whole heads. If you ever so much as glance at a jar of garlic salt, I will come after your with a filet knife)
1 tsp thyme (ground or whole. It is lovely in any form)
½ tsp sage (the same, but ground is probably cheaper)
¼ tsp basil (whatever)
1 bay leaf (the very same as suggested by George Carlin for an alternative to personal deodorant)
Dash of allspice (buy as little as possible; you will never use it in any other dish)
Dash of ground cloves (feel free to use the rest to roll in with your cigarettes)
1 tsp salt (remember what I mentioned earlier about the garlic ... ?)
½ tsp pepper (use fresh ground. If you are unable to manage this, I will only maim you, and this is because I myself happened by unfortunate coincidence to not yet own a pepper grinder.)
(These proportions of ingredients are most suitable for a tenderloin; make a little bit more for chops or steaks, as there is more surface area to be covered. Use your experience with such herbs to alter the amounts so as to pander to your or your audience's personal tastes. If you lack said experience, die. Just die.)
Combine all the dry ingredients in a small bowl. Crush or mince the garlic and add it to the mixture. Throw in a little more garlic. You can not add too much. Continue to mix the marinade until consistent. The garlic will clump; break it up as much as possible using whatever means necessary. Sniff your creation; it should make your salivary glands ache.
Rub the marinade onto each piece of pork and place into an airtight container. Stacking is fine. Use your hands, you pussy. And don't get it all over the counter, for christ's sake. Seal the container and place it in your Frigidaire.
Wait at least twenty hours. The longer you let the pork marinate, the more delicious it will become. You should probably draw the line at three days. You do not want your pork to go bad, unless I do not like you, which is most likely the case.
Broil, grill, smoke, or pan-fry your pork. Do not wipe off the marinade. Do not attempt to pan-fry a tenderloin; it will not cook through. Do not overcook your pork. Pork is best tender and very slightly pink in the middle. Smoking will yield the best results, followed by grilling, followed by pan-frying or broiling.
If you are the least bit civilized, you will be making a complete meal with this pork. I might suggest a salad with these lettuces:
Romaine
Arugula
Raddichio
Spinach
Anything but iceberg. (I will remove your kidneys and put them in a pie if you even dream of touching iceberg lettuce. It is tasteless, nutritionless, and annoyingly crisp. If you want folates, eat some liver.)
Add a variety of this supporting cast:
Kalamata olives (you can remove the seeds in your mouth. Shut up)
Mushrooms (buy fresh mushrooms and slice them yourself, you lazy bitch)
Bleu cheese (buy a large chunk and crumble it in)
Red peppers
Onion
Anchovies
As you will need a delicious dressing for this salad, you will mix a balsamic vinaigrette using these superb items:
½ tsp Salt (just some damn salt)
Grind of pepper (this almost certainly has to be fresh)
2 Tbsp Dijon mustard (if there is even a tub of French's in your possession, please free yourself from your mortal coil)
¼ cup balsamic vinegar (another high-quality vinegar can suffice, but why fuck with perfection?)
3/4 cup olive oil (naturally, as virginal as possible)
Using your whisk, mix all but the olive oil thoroughly. (Failure to omit the olive oil in this step will result in a complete and irreconcilable disaster. You will have wasted fine ingredients, for which the only suitable punishment is a slow and painful death involving unsavory animals which have been starved for a disturbingly cruel period of time.) Add the olive oil and continue to whisk until the oil is thoroughly mixed. This can be achieved in a nearly permanent manner by whipping.
Add a tablespoon or more to each bowl of salad. Do not skimp, but do not drown your salad. That is disgusting and only done by unsavory types such as that save the non-lowfat ranch dressing for 'special occasions,' which invariably involve their intolerable friends and in-laws which should have been removed from the gene pool shortly after conception.
The salad and pork make a good lunch or light dinner. Add potatoes prepared in the style of the Greeks if a heavier meal is desired. Serve with Retsina despite the unmistakably French undertones of the marinade.
Any leftover pork may be kept chilled on a foil-covered platter. It is good cold or reheated by itself, on pasta, with a salad, or in a sandwich. Creativity is encouraged.
Get out your checkbook and head down to the meat market for this fine meat:
Pork (Chops, steaks, or tenderloin.)
If there is any on sale, buy it. Pork is pork. It freezes for as long as you reasonably need it to, and bone-in is always both cheaper and a better deal.
Per each pound of slaughtered pig, pull together from any kitchen that is either yours or in the apartment of some fellow who does not lock his door quite often enough such delicious spices, herbs and meats such as:
1 clove garlic (buy whole heads. If you ever so much as glance at a jar of garlic salt, I will come after your with a filet knife)
1 tsp thyme (ground or whole. It is lovely in any form)
½ tsp sage (the same, but ground is probably cheaper)
¼ tsp basil (whatever)
1 bay leaf (the very same as suggested by George Carlin for an alternative to personal deodorant)
Dash of allspice (buy as little as possible; you will never use it in any other dish)
Dash of ground cloves (feel free to use the rest to roll in with your cigarettes)
1 tsp salt (remember what I mentioned earlier about the garlic ... ?)
½ tsp pepper (use fresh ground. If you are unable to manage this, I will only maim you, and this is because I myself happened by unfortunate coincidence to not yet own a pepper grinder.)
(These proportions of ingredients are most suitable for a tenderloin; make a little bit more for chops or steaks, as there is more surface area to be covered. Use your experience with such herbs to alter the amounts so as to pander to your or your audience's personal tastes. If you lack said experience, die. Just die.)
Combine all the dry ingredients in a small bowl. Crush or mince the garlic and add it to the mixture. Throw in a little more garlic. You can not add too much. Continue to mix the marinade until consistent. The garlic will clump; break it up as much as possible using whatever means necessary. Sniff your creation; it should make your salivary glands ache.
Rub the marinade onto each piece of pork and place into an airtight container. Stacking is fine. Use your hands, you pussy. And don't get it all over the counter, for christ's sake. Seal the container and place it in your Frigidaire.
Wait at least twenty hours. The longer you let the pork marinate, the more delicious it will become. You should probably draw the line at three days. You do not want your pork to go bad, unless I do not like you, which is most likely the case.
Broil, grill, smoke, or pan-fry your pork. Do not wipe off the marinade. Do not attempt to pan-fry a tenderloin; it will not cook through. Do not overcook your pork. Pork is best tender and very slightly pink in the middle. Smoking will yield the best results, followed by grilling, followed by pan-frying or broiling.
If you are the least bit civilized, you will be making a complete meal with this pork. I might suggest a salad with these lettuces:
Romaine
Arugula
Raddichio
Spinach
Anything but iceberg. (I will remove your kidneys and put them in a pie if you even dream of touching iceberg lettuce. It is tasteless, nutritionless, and annoyingly crisp. If you want folates, eat some liver.)
Add a variety of this supporting cast:
Kalamata olives (you can remove the seeds in your mouth. Shut up)
Mushrooms (buy fresh mushrooms and slice them yourself, you lazy bitch)
Bleu cheese (buy a large chunk and crumble it in)
Red peppers
Onion
Anchovies
As you will need a delicious dressing for this salad, you will mix a balsamic vinaigrette using these superb items:
½ tsp Salt (just some damn salt)
Grind of pepper (this almost certainly has to be fresh)
2 Tbsp Dijon mustard (if there is even a tub of French's in your possession, please free yourself from your mortal coil)
¼ cup balsamic vinegar (another high-quality vinegar can suffice, but why fuck with perfection?)
3/4 cup olive oil (naturally, as virginal as possible)
Using your whisk, mix all but the olive oil thoroughly. (Failure to omit the olive oil in this step will result in a complete and irreconcilable disaster. You will have wasted fine ingredients, for which the only suitable punishment is a slow and painful death involving unsavory animals which have been starved for a disturbingly cruel period of time.) Add the olive oil and continue to whisk until the oil is thoroughly mixed. This can be achieved in a nearly permanent manner by whipping.
Add a tablespoon or more to each bowl of salad. Do not skimp, but do not drown your salad. That is disgusting and only done by unsavory types such as that save the non-lowfat ranch dressing for 'special occasions,' which invariably involve their intolerable friends and in-laws which should have been removed from the gene pool shortly after conception.
The salad and pork make a good lunch or light dinner. Add potatoes prepared in the style of the Greeks if a heavier meal is desired. Serve with Retsina despite the unmistakably French undertones of the marinade.
Any leftover pork may be kept chilled on a foil-covered platter. It is good cold or reheated by itself, on pasta, with a salad, or in a sandwich. Creativity is encouraged.