Heart Full of Black
Happy New Years!
Or is it?
My New Years was very mundane. I spent most of the evening sitting in my roommates room nursing two bottles of very cheap wine and vegging out to unintelligent man TV (ie the Hooters girl swimsuit competition and Rocky IV). Ugh, ugh and ugh.
Shortly before midnight I got fed up with the idiocy and went for a walk in the rain. I had forgotten how much I used to enjoy the rain and how it wipes the earth clean. Walking in it used to feel like a soul cleansing shower that tied me to the earth. Living in Oregon has stripped me of this simple pleasure as well; it rains here excessively making it hard to see the beauty that I once reveled in.
New Years depressed me. I woke up this morning into a cloud of despair; I found it hard to maintain my cool facade. So I cleaned the bathroom, fireplace, folded laundry, took out the trash, emptied the dishwasher, did ALL of the dishes, swept the kitchen floor and then tried to face the day. The distractions didn't help dull the emptiness I feel or shine light on my despair. So after dinner I spent the evening coloring with Thai and watching Bones re-runs. She was so excited to use her new Dora coloring book it was comical.
Shortly after putting Thai to bed I decided that I wanted to take a walk. This proved difficult to do without ruining my new IPOD so I came back and started writing.
I guess the big question should be "where was you husband?". Well last night he was very happy to self medicate in AJ's room all night long. This morning he was nice enough to let me sleep in only to tell me immediately after I woke up that he wanted to play video games in AJ's room for the rest of the day ("Now I know why you decided to let me sleep in"). This evening he is (drum roll please...) in AJ's room playing video games after a few rounds of beer pong in the garage. I guess I should be used to it by now since it is a nightly occurrence but that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely and forlorn.
The question that has been nagging at me most lately is simple "Should I stay or should I go?". Answering that question however is proving to be anything but simple. I am just so tired. I'm tired of trying to hold everything together when I never seem to get any kind of response from him. Granted I have never been married before and my parents and grandparents aren't the best examples but this can't be the way husbands act. IS this the way I'm destined to live my life. "NO" my soul screams at me. My heart cracks. My head whispers "You deserve this. You have earned this Hell".
Have I?
YES...
Or is it?
My New Years was very mundane. I spent most of the evening sitting in my roommates room nursing two bottles of very cheap wine and vegging out to unintelligent man TV (ie the Hooters girl swimsuit competition and Rocky IV). Ugh, ugh and ugh.
Shortly before midnight I got fed up with the idiocy and went for a walk in the rain. I had forgotten how much I used to enjoy the rain and how it wipes the earth clean. Walking in it used to feel like a soul cleansing shower that tied me to the earth. Living in Oregon has stripped me of this simple pleasure as well; it rains here excessively making it hard to see the beauty that I once reveled in.
New Years depressed me. I woke up this morning into a cloud of despair; I found it hard to maintain my cool facade. So I cleaned the bathroom, fireplace, folded laundry, took out the trash, emptied the dishwasher, did ALL of the dishes, swept the kitchen floor and then tried to face the day. The distractions didn't help dull the emptiness I feel or shine light on my despair. So after dinner I spent the evening coloring with Thai and watching Bones re-runs. She was so excited to use her new Dora coloring book it was comical.
Shortly after putting Thai to bed I decided that I wanted to take a walk. This proved difficult to do without ruining my new IPOD so I came back and started writing.
I guess the big question should be "where was you husband?". Well last night he was very happy to self medicate in AJ's room all night long. This morning he was nice enough to let me sleep in only to tell me immediately after I woke up that he wanted to play video games in AJ's room for the rest of the day ("Now I know why you decided to let me sleep in"). This evening he is (drum roll please...) in AJ's room playing video games after a few rounds of beer pong in the garage. I guess I should be used to it by now since it is a nightly occurrence but that doesn't stop me from feeling lonely and forlorn.
The question that has been nagging at me most lately is simple "Should I stay or should I go?". Answering that question however is proving to be anything but simple. I am just so tired. I'm tired of trying to hold everything together when I never seem to get any kind of response from him. Granted I have never been married before and my parents and grandparents aren't the best examples but this can't be the way husbands act. IS this the way I'm destined to live my life. "NO" my soul screams at me. My heart cracks. My head whispers "You deserve this. You have earned this Hell".
Have I?
YES...