(no subject)
It's been a while since I've posted. Mostly since my real life has taken up most of my time and I haven't felt particularly profound/depressed/drunk enough to post but I'm feeling rather contemplative tonight.
Mainly I've just been thinking about my future and what to do now that I've left school. There's lots of opportunities out there and sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. This is the first time in my life that I've not been expected to go down one particular path that "everyone" takes. First you graduate high school, then you go to college and then you get a job. I used to always think, "oh, I don't need to worry about that stuff because it's way down the line" but it looks like this is finally the last stop. I have to make my own future from here on out and it's kind of scary but kind of exhilarating at the same time. But that's not really what I feel like writing about tonight.
More than anything I've realized that I have kind of lost track of myself. I spend so much time worrying about what I'm going to do that I forget what I even want to do. From there I realize that I've basically forgotten what makes me tick. I've changed a lot in the last 4 years and sometimes I miss the stoic idealist I was in high school. Maybe it's because I've developed some strong personality traits, or that I can better read people and act like they want me to depending on the situation but I've neglected what makes me "me". I don't have many late night pondering sessions like I used to, opting to just lament what has passed and can never be again. I've started doing things more for people to observe me rather than because it feels right. Stupid little things too, like watching the moon and listening to music alone in my room. It just feels good even though it serves no purpose and I lost sight of that simple fact. I really think we all do at some point or another. I guess I'm lucky I realized at this point in my life where I'm kind of in limbo. I know it is super lame and cliched to "find yourself" but I really think I'll be able to do that in the next few months. I want to get back down to the basics and find what makes me tick all over again. Maybe if I find that I can figure out what kind of person I am and what I really should do with myself. Or maybe I'm just wasting my time. Life's kind of funny like that.
Mainly I've just been thinking about my future and what to do now that I've left school. There's lots of opportunities out there and sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. This is the first time in my life that I've not been expected to go down one particular path that "everyone" takes. First you graduate high school, then you go to college and then you get a job. I used to always think, "oh, I don't need to worry about that stuff because it's way down the line" but it looks like this is finally the last stop. I have to make my own future from here on out and it's kind of scary but kind of exhilarating at the same time. But that's not really what I feel like writing about tonight.
More than anything I've realized that I have kind of lost track of myself. I spend so much time worrying about what I'm going to do that I forget what I even want to do. From there I realize that I've basically forgotten what makes me tick. I've changed a lot in the last 4 years and sometimes I miss the stoic idealist I was in high school. Maybe it's because I've developed some strong personality traits, or that I can better read people and act like they want me to depending on the situation but I've neglected what makes me "me". I don't have many late night pondering sessions like I used to, opting to just lament what has passed and can never be again. I've started doing things more for people to observe me rather than because it feels right. Stupid little things too, like watching the moon and listening to music alone in my room. It just feels good even though it serves no purpose and I lost sight of that simple fact. I really think we all do at some point or another. I guess I'm lucky I realized at this point in my life where I'm kind of in limbo. I know it is super lame and cliched to "find yourself" but I really think I'll be able to do that in the next few months. I want to get back down to the basics and find what makes me tick all over again. Maybe if I find that I can figure out what kind of person I am and what I really should do with myself. Or maybe I'm just wasting my time. Life's kind of funny like that.