FIC: The Yom Kippur Toss (Daily Show-Colbert Report crossover, gen)
Eep! I missed three days :-( I have bunnies, but no willpower, so I may or may not write and post hem during Sukkot. In the meantime, though, I present:
Title: The Yom Kippur Toss (Daily Show-Colbert Report)
Rating: G, gen, RPF depending on your POV.
Summary: Stephen forgives. Written for daysofawesome
JON:
Welcome back to the show, everybody. As usual, before we go, we
check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at the Colbert Report, Stephen?
STEPHEN:
[smiling benevolently]
I forgive you, Jon.
JON:
I-uh, I’m sorry?
STEPHEN:
Yes, yes you are. And I forgive you. Let us put the past to rest, Jon, and begin anew.
JON:
I-Stephen, I, I have to admit I’m not entirely sure what you’re referring to.
STEPHEN:
[disapproving]
Jon, don’t tell me you of all people don’t know what day it is.
JON:
What day--? Oh. Okay, I get it, this is a Yom Kippur thing.
[looks a Stephen for confirmation]
Okay, so… what exactly am I apologizing for?
STEPHEN:
I thought you might ask. I have prepared a short list-
[produces a scroll which unrolls down the entire desk]
--of exemplary grievances.
JON:
[lifts eyebrows fondly]
Why am I not surprised? Okay, go ahead.
STEPHEN:
[clears his throat, reads:]
For the sins which you have committed before me by acting callously.
For the sins which you have committed before me by-
JON:
Wait, wait, when have I acted callously towards you?
STEPHEN:
You remember that time when I was trying to open that jar of brilliantine?
JON:
You mean yesterday?
STEPHEN:
You didn’t even offer to help. You just kept walking right on by, as my
broken wrist and I valiantly struggled for America’s right to see me with gorgeous hair. Alone.
JON:
Isn’t your wrist okay now?
STEPHEN:
[ignoring him]
Not only was it callous, Jon, but also-
[holds up hand, camera zooms in]
-I actually got a callus.
JON:
Wow, Stephen, that looks serious.
STEPHEN:
No thanks to you.
JON:
If I recall correctly, you were yelling “Jar of All Evil, I’m gonna rip you a new cap, you little punk.”
I was about to offer help but I was… [meekly] I was scared.
[hangs head]
I’m sorry.
STEPHEN:
[waits for audience to finish ‘aww’ing]
Well, buck up, Johnny. Like I said before, my heart is wide open and forgiving on
these Days of Awe.
Now, to continue: for the sins which you have committed before me both in public and in secret-
and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, because I sure as hell wasn’t the one
editing my Wikipedia entry to say “character” after my name-
JON:
Stephen, Stephen-
[Stephen quiets down]
I sincerely apologize. For everything I may have done this year that, that may have
offended. I never meant to hurt you.
STEPHEN:
That means a lot, Jon, thank you.
JON:
All right, then. And now, here it is, your moment of-
STEPHEN:
[frantically]
Wait!
JON:
What?
STEPHEN:
[holds up one hand as he listens to his earpiece]
…yeah, Jon, I’m afraid I’m going to have to take my forgiveness back.
JON:
[blinks]
You what?
STEPHEN:
I have just received intelligence that Yom Kippur doesn’t automatically pardon all of your sins.
You see, I intended to forgive you on air to show how big a person I am- but according
to this new info, since your sins were against man and not God (although clearly that one’s still up for debate) -
I don’t actually have to forgive you until I am appeased.
JON:
I-well, okay. So, uh, Stephen, what do I have to do to appease you?
STEPHEN:
As it happens, I’ve prepared a short list of demands-
[takes out another scroll]
JON:
When did you manage to do that?
STEPHEN:
[starts grinning]
During that millisecond when the split screen cut back to you.
JON:
Ah.
STEPHEN:
Yes, I’m very swift. Anyway, item number one, three hundred pounds of Ben and Jerry’s
Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream-
JON:
[laughs]
All right, Stephen, hold that thought and I’ll be back to hear the rest later.
STEPHEN:
You promise?
JON:
I promise. And now, here it is, your moment of zen.
*
And, because it's one of my favorite Jon Stewart bits ever, anyone who wants to hear him talk about Judaism and Christianity and the Days of Awe should download this 7-minute monologue. Links and transcribed text under the cut, but if you plan on listening to it don't bother reading first. Yes, I've linked to this before.
Links to the sound file are here or here.
This is from, I believe, circa 1994:
My girlfriend’s not Jewish, and uh, I am, but it doesn’t really, it doesn’t present a problem, which is really nice. Because I’m a Jewish guy -but I’m not a serious Jew, obviously. I don’t wear the, you know, protective religious headgear. I don’t, uh - [audience laughter] - it’s called a yarmulke, by the way - not a Jew-beanie. [laughter] I have a friend, actually, who wears a yarmulke that’s knitted. He’s so proud of it - “My girlfriend made it for me”. Oh, that’s great. Did you ever think maybe she was making you a sweater and just thought, fuck it?
Why do you have to wear shit on your head just to prove you’re religious? Every religion has these bizarre wardrobe idiosyncrasies. Look at the Pope! Nice man. But purely in a fashion sense, the guy’s a hat choice away from being the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. [laughter, pause] Not so funny when it’s your guy, huh? Okay. No problem. Yeah.
Everybody loves the Pope. Everybody loves the Pope. The Pope is the most loved man that nobody agrees with I’ve ever seen in my life. He draws a hundred thousand people - “We love you Pope!” - “[deep voice] Beee celibate.” “[pause, chuckles] Fucking guy, he kills me! That guy kills me!” “[deep voice] Give up all you material possessions.” [pause, laughter] “[excited] Do da big hat! Wear the big hat!”
And I don’t mean to make fun of religion, you know, I know people take it very seriously and look, I believe in God. I just think maybe God’s not watching out as closely for us as we might think, I mean look: he created the world in what, six days. Five billion years ago. Don’t you think by now he’s - moved on to another project? Did you ever think we’re just some shit he threw together for his third grade science fair in the first place? He created us in his own image and he was just thinking “Oh, shit, it’s due tomorrow! All right, get me some Styrofoamic people!”
I mean look, look at the way we celebrate the holidays. We always, we’re a little goofy about the celebrations. I mean look at Easter. There’s a great theory behind Easter, God comes down to Earth, takes your sins, dies, comes back three days later, and if you believe in him you get to go to heaven forever. That’s pretty cool. So how do you go from that to “hide the eggs”? How the fuck did “hide the eggs” get in there? [laughter] Did Jesus have some sort of a problem with eggs? [mobster voice] “Hey by the way, when I come back, if I see any fuckin’ eggs, no, I’m serious, no, I am allergic. Please. [laughter, applause] I don’t give a shit, paint ‘em and hide ’em, just get ‘em out of my sight.” What is the significance between Jesus and eggs? I’ve actually been thinking about it. How many disciples did Jesus have? Twelve. How many eggs are in a carton? [laughter] Coincidence? I don’t think so. Open up a carton of eggs, one of the eggs is always cracked. [dramatic pause] The Judas Egg.
And really, not that the rules of being Jewish follow any better logic. Here are the rules of being Jewish as far as I can tell: “[deep voice] Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery. [pause] Don’t eat pork.” [laughter] “[small voice] What was that last one?” “Uh, don’t eat pork! God has spoken.” Is that the word of God, or is that just pigs trying to outsmart everybody? What does God give a shit? I think the pigs just learned ventriloquism. Some guy’s coming at ‘em with a hatchet, and the pigs are in there, “[radio voice] Uh, this is God, get away from the pigs! [laughter] They’re not - they’re not kosher!” “Is that a word?” “(Shut up, they’ll believe ya), uh, they’re not kosher! Look at those cows, they look pretty tasty, go get them!” [applause]
And I don’t mean to sound bitter. I don’t mean to sound bitter about religion, but you know, being Jewish in this country, it’s a little rough, it’s a Christian country and around Christmastime we get a little bored with the TV programs, to be honest with you. We gotta sit around and listen to all your happy little Christmas jingles. “[jingle voice] Christmas time is here again except for you you fucking Jew boy! [booming voice] No Christmas for the Jew boy.” Do we get happy jingles around holidays? No. Do we get TV shows? No. Here’s what Jews get around holidays: on the day of the holiday, an Aryan newscaster comes on and goes, “[correspondent voice]” By the way, our Jewish friends are celebrating a holiday,” and a little picture comes up behind him of like a candle and a bagel and a big fucking nose, “our Jewish friends are celebrating… Rosh Hashiniyaga…?”
You know what, man, we got holidays. Jews got holidays out the ass! I stay home sometimes, I don’t even know why, I just stay home! Is today a holiday? Yeah, it’s HachinBlachinFlachin Day, I have no idea.
We have amazing holidays. You know what’s coming up on Monday? Yom Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever, the Jewish Day of Atonement. You don’t eat for one day, all your sin for the year is wiped clean. Beat that! [applause] With your… little… Lent. [laughter] What is Lent, forty days of absolution? Forty days to one day. Even in sin you’re paying retail. [laughter] And you know what? Here’s the good part: it’s sundown to sundown, it’s not even a whole day. Most Jews by two PM are like, “fuck it, it’s cloudy, I’ll have a sandwich.”
Thank you very much, enjoy the rest of your night.
Title: The Yom Kippur Toss (Daily Show-Colbert Report)
Rating: G, gen, RPF depending on your POV.
Summary: Stephen forgives. Written for daysofawesome
JON:
Welcome back to the show, everybody. As usual, before we go, we
check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at the Colbert Report, Stephen?
STEPHEN:
[smiling benevolently]
I forgive you, Jon.
JON:
I-uh, I’m sorry?
STEPHEN:
Yes, yes you are. And I forgive you. Let us put the past to rest, Jon, and begin anew.
JON:
I-Stephen, I, I have to admit I’m not entirely sure what you’re referring to.
STEPHEN:
[disapproving]
Jon, don’t tell me you of all people don’t know what day it is.
JON:
What day--? Oh. Okay, I get it, this is a Yom Kippur thing.
[looks a Stephen for confirmation]
Okay, so… what exactly am I apologizing for?
STEPHEN:
I thought you might ask. I have prepared a short list-
[produces a scroll which unrolls down the entire desk]
--of exemplary grievances.
JON:
[lifts eyebrows fondly]
Why am I not surprised? Okay, go ahead.
STEPHEN:
[clears his throat, reads:]
For the sins which you have committed before me by acting callously.
For the sins which you have committed before me by-
JON:
Wait, wait, when have I acted callously towards you?
STEPHEN:
You remember that time when I was trying to open that jar of brilliantine?
JON:
You mean yesterday?
STEPHEN:
You didn’t even offer to help. You just kept walking right on by, as my
broken wrist and I valiantly struggled for America’s right to see me with gorgeous hair. Alone.
JON:
Isn’t your wrist okay now?
STEPHEN:
[ignoring him]
Not only was it callous, Jon, but also-
[holds up hand, camera zooms in]
-I actually got a callus.
JON:
Wow, Stephen, that looks serious.
STEPHEN:
No thanks to you.
JON:
If I recall correctly, you were yelling “Jar of All Evil, I’m gonna rip you a new cap, you little punk.”
I was about to offer help but I was… [meekly] I was scared.
[hangs head]
I’m sorry.
STEPHEN:
[waits for audience to finish ‘aww’ing]
Well, buck up, Johnny. Like I said before, my heart is wide open and forgiving on
these Days of Awe.
Now, to continue: for the sins which you have committed before me both in public and in secret-
and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, because I sure as hell wasn’t the one
editing my Wikipedia entry to say “character” after my name-
JON:
Stephen, Stephen-
[Stephen quiets down]
I sincerely apologize. For everything I may have done this year that, that may have
offended. I never meant to hurt you.
STEPHEN:
That means a lot, Jon, thank you.
JON:
All right, then. And now, here it is, your moment of-
STEPHEN:
[frantically]
Wait!
JON:
What?
STEPHEN:
[holds up one hand as he listens to his earpiece]
…yeah, Jon, I’m afraid I’m going to have to take my forgiveness back.
JON:
[blinks]
You what?
STEPHEN:
I have just received intelligence that Yom Kippur doesn’t automatically pardon all of your sins.
You see, I intended to forgive you on air to show how big a person I am- but according
to this new info, since your sins were against man and not God (although clearly that one’s still up for debate) -
I don’t actually have to forgive you until I am appeased.
JON:
I-well, okay. So, uh, Stephen, what do I have to do to appease you?
STEPHEN:
As it happens, I’ve prepared a short list of demands-
[takes out another scroll]
JON:
When did you manage to do that?
STEPHEN:
[starts grinning]
During that millisecond when the split screen cut back to you.
JON:
Ah.
STEPHEN:
Yes, I’m very swift. Anyway, item number one, three hundred pounds of Ben and Jerry’s
Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream-
JON:
[laughs]
All right, Stephen, hold that thought and I’ll be back to hear the rest later.
STEPHEN:
You promise?
JON:
I promise. And now, here it is, your moment of zen.
*
And, because it's one of my favorite Jon Stewart bits ever, anyone who wants to hear him talk about Judaism and Christianity and the Days of Awe should download this 7-minute monologue. Links and transcribed text under the cut, but if you plan on listening to it don't bother reading first. Yes, I've linked to this before.
Links to the sound file are here or here.
This is from, I believe, circa 1994:
My girlfriend’s not Jewish, and uh, I am, but it doesn’t really, it doesn’t present a problem, which is really nice. Because I’m a Jewish guy -but I’m not a serious Jew, obviously. I don’t wear the, you know, protective religious headgear. I don’t, uh - [audience laughter] - it’s called a yarmulke, by the way - not a Jew-beanie. [laughter] I have a friend, actually, who wears a yarmulke that’s knitted. He’s so proud of it - “My girlfriend made it for me”. Oh, that’s great. Did you ever think maybe she was making you a sweater and just thought, fuck it?
Why do you have to wear shit on your head just to prove you’re religious? Every religion has these bizarre wardrobe idiosyncrasies. Look at the Pope! Nice man. But purely in a fashion sense, the guy’s a hat choice away from being the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. [laughter, pause] Not so funny when it’s your guy, huh? Okay. No problem. Yeah.
Everybody loves the Pope. Everybody loves the Pope. The Pope is the most loved man that nobody agrees with I’ve ever seen in my life. He draws a hundred thousand people - “We love you Pope!” - “[deep voice] Beee celibate.” “[pause, chuckles] Fucking guy, he kills me! That guy kills me!” “[deep voice] Give up all you material possessions.” [pause, laughter] “[excited] Do da big hat! Wear the big hat!”
And I don’t mean to make fun of religion, you know, I know people take it very seriously and look, I believe in God. I just think maybe God’s not watching out as closely for us as we might think, I mean look: he created the world in what, six days. Five billion years ago. Don’t you think by now he’s - moved on to another project? Did you ever think we’re just some shit he threw together for his third grade science fair in the first place? He created us in his own image and he was just thinking “Oh, shit, it’s due tomorrow! All right, get me some Styrofoamic people!”
I mean look, look at the way we celebrate the holidays. We always, we’re a little goofy about the celebrations. I mean look at Easter. There’s a great theory behind Easter, God comes down to Earth, takes your sins, dies, comes back three days later, and if you believe in him you get to go to heaven forever. That’s pretty cool. So how do you go from that to “hide the eggs”? How the fuck did “hide the eggs” get in there? [laughter] Did Jesus have some sort of a problem with eggs? [mobster voice] “Hey by the way, when I come back, if I see any fuckin’ eggs, no, I’m serious, no, I am allergic. Please. [laughter, applause] I don’t give a shit, paint ‘em and hide ’em, just get ‘em out of my sight.” What is the significance between Jesus and eggs? I’ve actually been thinking about it. How many disciples did Jesus have? Twelve. How many eggs are in a carton? [laughter] Coincidence? I don’t think so. Open up a carton of eggs, one of the eggs is always cracked. [dramatic pause] The Judas Egg.
And really, not that the rules of being Jewish follow any better logic. Here are the rules of being Jewish as far as I can tell: “[deep voice] Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery. [pause] Don’t eat pork.” [laughter] “[small voice] What was that last one?” “Uh, don’t eat pork! God has spoken.” Is that the word of God, or is that just pigs trying to outsmart everybody? What does God give a shit? I think the pigs just learned ventriloquism. Some guy’s coming at ‘em with a hatchet, and the pigs are in there, “[radio voice] Uh, this is God, get away from the pigs! [laughter] They’re not - they’re not kosher!” “Is that a word?” “(Shut up, they’ll believe ya), uh, they’re not kosher! Look at those cows, they look pretty tasty, go get them!” [applause]
And I don’t mean to sound bitter. I don’t mean to sound bitter about religion, but you know, being Jewish in this country, it’s a little rough, it’s a Christian country and around Christmastime we get a little bored with the TV programs, to be honest with you. We gotta sit around and listen to all your happy little Christmas jingles. “[jingle voice] Christmas time is here again except for you you fucking Jew boy! [booming voice] No Christmas for the Jew boy.” Do we get happy jingles around holidays? No. Do we get TV shows? No. Here’s what Jews get around holidays: on the day of the holiday, an Aryan newscaster comes on and goes, “[correspondent voice]” By the way, our Jewish friends are celebrating a holiday,” and a little picture comes up behind him of like a candle and a bagel and a big fucking nose, “our Jewish friends are celebrating… Rosh Hashiniyaga…?”
You know what, man, we got holidays. Jews got holidays out the ass! I stay home sometimes, I don’t even know why, I just stay home! Is today a holiday? Yeah, it’s HachinBlachinFlachin Day, I have no idea.
We have amazing holidays. You know what’s coming up on Monday? Yom Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever, the Jewish Day of Atonement. You don’t eat for one day, all your sin for the year is wiped clean. Beat that! [applause] With your… little… Lent. [laughter] What is Lent, forty days of absolution? Forty days to one day. Even in sin you’re paying retail. [laughter] And you know what? Here’s the good part: it’s sundown to sundown, it’s not even a whole day. Most Jews by two PM are like, “fuck it, it’s cloudy, I’ll have a sandwich.”
Thank you very much, enjoy the rest of your night.