(no subject)
I only ever type here because i dont want to write with my hand, because im too lazy, or i cant find a pen. Usually its the laziness, maybe its the attention.
Love and common sense seem to blur, maybe not common sense maybe.. i dont know. When you love someone thats all you see, thats all you know, through all the bad, through all the hurt, through all the everything, even when every day every part of it hurts, and you dont even know why, you stay, because love is supposed be the end all be all of everything right?. The sides stop balancing each other out over time and you realize something, you come to some sort of decision, at least thats what i'd expect.
I spend my time thinking and writing about a girl, who doesnt think or write about me half as much.
I want security and stability, she wants endless freedom, who am i to stop her or hold her back? I used to think i was ready, and she wasnt, now as ready as i think i am...8 months later, im less ready than i ever was. Im getting angrier at everything, or more and more scared, i contradict everything i think, one second i might think "chill, everything will be ok and we'll ride this out", soon after ill think "whats the point? its going to end anyways". I cant believe in anything because of all that has happened, ive done more and stuck around through more than anyone else but I am in no place to handle these kind of thoughts, the truth is im unhappy with my life and my situation as a whole, but i suppose these things cant be so rough forever, its just being 21 and trying to be on your own, trying to figure yourself out and pay bills and make friends, and find some sort of relationship, some sort of connection so briefly you know you arent alone in this world, even if we really are.
When youre in love, you want everything to be perfect, but when you have different perceptions of "perfect" how do you compromise? how do you find a common ground? I've tried to give up certain things, and accept certain things to find a common ground, but it shouldnt hurt, it shouldnt hurt for no reason. I hate my brain, its covered in scars. I spend a lot of time thinking about really stupid things i wish i could talk to someone about, like tattoos and how i hate the way people dress, or the way id like to dress, or diet plans, or paintings id like to do, shows tha are coming up, how i dont buy most peoples false pretentious showy attitude...and how i dont get how anyone else can fall for it, how itll get you nowhere in the future other than you looking back at yourself talking about how you were an idiot. Im sure ill do that someday. The truth is I cant tell if im better, sometimes i feel like i am, sometimes i feel like the exact opposite, there's no healthy middle...no healthy medium. its one extreme or another, i realize i live very black or white, maybe thats what creates so many problems in my head. I have this self image of myself that is quite far off from the truth evidently.
How can anyone listen to none more black more than kid dynamite, how can someone search for such pointless menaingless ends again and again? what will you ever get from these? our time here is short, id rather find that meaningful connection and build it, then 50 random shitty ones, to each their own...im too stupid to comprehend anything anymore. Nothing on a real level interests me all that much, politics a little bit, scholastics not so much, enviromental issues? not a chance, new jawbreaker album? i'd flip my shit. Cool priorities.
Im going to lay in my bed tonight, and probably not do much of anything other than overthink and overanalyze every part of my life and come to depressing conclusions, whats so appealing about self destruction anyways?
My advice is to make as many connections as possible, because then some of them HAVE to last, some of them have to really mean something.. on both ends... but dont get too invested, dont let yourself get hurt, but get hurt...so you can feel alive because theres no avoiding this.
I dont know anything about anytihng, i dont think i ever will. I realize the bonds i think are strong arent always as strong as I think, or vice versa. I only know how to say when it feels good or when it hurts. Lately though, it always hurts.
(insert shitty drawing here)
Love and common sense seem to blur, maybe not common sense maybe.. i dont know. When you love someone thats all you see, thats all you know, through all the bad, through all the hurt, through all the everything, even when every day every part of it hurts, and you dont even know why, you stay, because love is supposed be the end all be all of everything right?. The sides stop balancing each other out over time and you realize something, you come to some sort of decision, at least thats what i'd expect.
I spend my time thinking and writing about a girl, who doesnt think or write about me half as much.
I want security and stability, she wants endless freedom, who am i to stop her or hold her back? I used to think i was ready, and she wasnt, now as ready as i think i am...8 months later, im less ready than i ever was. Im getting angrier at everything, or more and more scared, i contradict everything i think, one second i might think "chill, everything will be ok and we'll ride this out", soon after ill think "whats the point? its going to end anyways". I cant believe in anything because of all that has happened, ive done more and stuck around through more than anyone else but I am in no place to handle these kind of thoughts, the truth is im unhappy with my life and my situation as a whole, but i suppose these things cant be so rough forever, its just being 21 and trying to be on your own, trying to figure yourself out and pay bills and make friends, and find some sort of relationship, some sort of connection so briefly you know you arent alone in this world, even if we really are.
When youre in love, you want everything to be perfect, but when you have different perceptions of "perfect" how do you compromise? how do you find a common ground? I've tried to give up certain things, and accept certain things to find a common ground, but it shouldnt hurt, it shouldnt hurt for no reason. I hate my brain, its covered in scars. I spend a lot of time thinking about really stupid things i wish i could talk to someone about, like tattoos and how i hate the way people dress, or the way id like to dress, or diet plans, or paintings id like to do, shows tha are coming up, how i dont buy most peoples false pretentious showy attitude...and how i dont get how anyone else can fall for it, how itll get you nowhere in the future other than you looking back at yourself talking about how you were an idiot. Im sure ill do that someday. The truth is I cant tell if im better, sometimes i feel like i am, sometimes i feel like the exact opposite, there's no healthy middle...no healthy medium. its one extreme or another, i realize i live very black or white, maybe thats what creates so many problems in my head. I have this self image of myself that is quite far off from the truth evidently.
How can anyone listen to none more black more than kid dynamite, how can someone search for such pointless menaingless ends again and again? what will you ever get from these? our time here is short, id rather find that meaningful connection and build it, then 50 random shitty ones, to each their own...im too stupid to comprehend anything anymore. Nothing on a real level interests me all that much, politics a little bit, scholastics not so much, enviromental issues? not a chance, new jawbreaker album? i'd flip my shit. Cool priorities.
Im going to lay in my bed tonight, and probably not do much of anything other than overthink and overanalyze every part of my life and come to depressing conclusions, whats so appealing about self destruction anyways?
My advice is to make as many connections as possible, because then some of them HAVE to last, some of them have to really mean something.. on both ends... but dont get too invested, dont let yourself get hurt, but get hurt...so you can feel alive because theres no avoiding this.
I dont know anything about anytihng, i dont think i ever will. I realize the bonds i think are strong arent always as strong as I think, or vice versa. I only know how to say when it feels good or when it hurts. Lately though, it always hurts.
(insert shitty drawing here)