humour: "7 things that never happened on New Amsterdam" pg-15
Title: Seven things that never happened on New Amsterdam.
Fandom: New Amsterdam
Characters: Eva, John, Omar, Santori, some others.
Author: Keenir.
Rating: pg-15
Spoilers: eps 1.01-1.05 of New Amsterdam. mostly ep 5
Summary: seven things we'll never ever see on New Amsterdam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. “I can’t picture it.”
“Cricket.”
“Once,” Eva said, then downed a shotglass. “Me and some exchange students set up a little game in the field I grew up by. You?”
“Oh several times.” Most of them before the Revolution, sadly; you’d beat me in a game now.
“Soccer,” Eva said.
“American and European versions,” John nodded. “Basketball,” as Omar served up a fresh set of water for the three of them.
“Please,” she said, rolling her eyes, “I could dribble before I could stand.”
“That’s usually true for anybody.”
Eva groaned. Omar reluctantly pointed out, “You walked into that one.”
“Yeah. Okay, Amsterdam, have you ever played basketball with a solid rubber ball?”
“Nope.” Not ever.
“That’s one.”
“Wait - what?” John asked. “What’d I do?” Usually Eva’s phrase was used by people who would count to three and no higher.
“Nothing,” Eva said. “I’m just surprised there’s something I’ve done that the great John Amsterdam hasn’t,” chuckling.
“Do tell,” Omar encouraged, leaning on the bar.
“I was fifteen, all gangly, and my parents took me on a trip to the Yucatan.”
“I doubt that,” John said.
“What, that my parents could afford to take me to Mexico?”
“No, no, not that. I believe that.”
“Then what?”
“I can’t really picture you as gangly.”
Omar backed up, grabbing the empties while he was at it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Shoes.
Opening the door to the Sargeant’s office, “Sarge, I -” and stopped dead where she was. “Am I interrupting something?” Why did both Amsterdam and the Sarge have their feet up on her desk?
“No,” John said. “We were just discussing shoes.”
“Shoes?”
“That’s right,” their boss said. “ ‘ppearantly Amsterdam isn’t just a criminology database.”
Under her breath as she backed out and shut the door, “Of course he isn’t.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Missing scene.
John followed Eva into the hotel, his shoulders slumped with the air of a man defeated. Under his breath, soto voice - or a stage whisper, depending on which of them you ask - he groused, “If you hadn’t remembered it, I’d have gotten to second base by now.”
Eva wheeled on him, spinning on the ball of her foot faster than he’d seen her do before, “If you dawdle any further, if you walk any slower, or if it isn’t still in our hotel room here, you will not - I promise you - ever get to first base. Do I make myself clear you little,” and started to belittle him in several languages.
John knew most of them, so he could look genuinely relieved when a maid came by, asking “Can I help you?”
Eva stopped her rant, and turned her attention to the maid. “Definitely,” trying not to sound cold and distant to the help.
Definitely a lot, John thought, of passion there…and not a little bit of, as you put it, chutzpah. But Eva, don’t think I won’t later ask you why you called me a treif puta.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. A non-realistic picture of drunks. (version 1)
John Amsterdam stumbled into the police bullpen. “Damnit,” he swore when he ran into the door.
He made his way to Eva, hauled her to her feet, and clumsily kissing her.
She pushed him away. “You stink, Amsterdam. You been drinking?”
“Jussss a little,” John said. “You’rrrre pretty.”
“What happened to your doctor?”
“Meanie. She dumped me. Stupid. Aw, piss on her.”
“So eloquent,” Eva quipped. “I’m starting to see why you got dumped.”
“Naw. I drank after. Stupid Sara.” And he tried - again - to kiss Eva.
She moved, twisting his arm behind his back, slamming his head against her desk. “Don’t.” No way in hell was she about to let Amsterdam fondle her.
“C’mon, you want me. You know it.”
“She said don’t, Amsterdam,” Santori said, coming over.
John shook Eva off, then strode up to Santori, slapping his face. “That’s enough. I demand satisfaction.”
“Yeah? Well don’t be looking at me. And don’t look at her either.”
“Thanks,” Eva said, meaning it this time.
Santori nodded.
John’s reaction was to slap Santori again. “I demand satisfaction for that as well. As you are the challenged, you may pick the time and place of the duel, as well as the weapons.”
“Anything I want?” Santori asked, an evil grin on his face.
“Anything.”
“Fine. Fifty years from now, the main bridge in Central Park, and slingshots.”
“Done,” and walked off…or staggered off. It was the last any of them saw of Amsterdam for the next forty-nine years.
“I have a very bad feeling about this,” Eva said, standing by Santori.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. A non-realistic picture of drunks. (version 2)
John Amsterdam stumbled into the police bullpen. “Damnit,” he swore when he ran into the door.
He made his way to Eva, hauled her to her feet, and clumsily kissing her.
She pushed him away. “You stink, Amsterdam. You been drinking?”
“Jussss a little,” John said. “You’rrrre pretty.”
“What happened to your doctor?”
“Meanie. She dumped me. Stupid. Aw, piss on her.”
“So eloquent,” Eva quipped. “I’m starting to see why you got dumped.”
“Naw. I drank after. Stupid Sara.” And he tried - again - to kiss Eva.
She moved, twisting his arm behind his back, slamming his head against her desk. “Don’t.”
“C’mon, you want me. You know it.”
“She said don’t, Amsterdam,” Santori said, coming over.
John shook Eva off, then strode up to Santori, slapping his face. “That’s enough. I demand satisfaction.”
“Yeah? Well don’t be looking at me. And don’t look at her either.”
“Thanks,” Eva said, meaning it this time.
Santori nodded.
John’s reaction was to slap Santori again. “I demand satisfaction for that as well. As you are the challenged, you may pick the time and place of the duel, as well as the weapons.”
“Anything I want?” Santori asked, an evil grin on his face.
“Anything.”
“Fine. Fifty years from now, the main bridge in Central Park, and slingshots.”
“Done,” and walked off…or staggered off.
“I have a very bad feeling about this,” Eva said, standing by Santori.
“Ah, don’t worry,” Santori said. “Besides, dueling’s been illegal in New York for over a century. What kind of fool challenges a guy to a duel in this day and age, and expects it to get carried out?”
“A drunk fool.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Curses, googled again!
“Hey Amsterdam,” Eva said, “c’mere.”
As there was nothing else to occupy their time - no investigations, no dates for either of them, not even an upcoming jazz concert to prepare for - John Amsterdam got up and came around the desk to Eva’s side. “What?” he asked in his nicest, most polite and formal - without sounding sappy or effeminate or patronizing - voice.
“I googled you, and -”
“Let me guess. Nothing from before five years ago, right?” Sara already did all that.
“Nope.”
“’Nope’?” a shiver of unease rolling down his spine uncomfortably like sweat.
“Yep. I took a photo of you, and used some of the latest toys to arrive here at the precinct…and, voila,” brandishing a hand to her computer screen -
Which was full of photographs and portraits of a series of men whose resemblance to Amsterdam was more disturbing than merely uncanny.
“Wow,” John said.
“But the weird thing,” Eva said, “is that none of these dates overlap. Not one of these guys could’ve gone and found any of the others.”
“Maybe they wouldn’t’ve wanted to anyway.”
Eva snorted her disbelief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Age =/= untrickable
“Worst invasion ever,” one of their number said.
“Sea lion,” Santori said.
“Doesn’t count,” Marquez said, “since it never got off the planning table.”
“Oh yeah? Then what was the worst?”
“Invasion of Japan.”
“Talk about just being a plan.”
“No, the Mongols really did invade.”
“Never discount time,” Amsterdam chided Santori. “But I hate to tell you this, Eva, but you’re wrong.”
“Really?” looking at him challengingly. “Then who?”
“The Martians.”
“Sounds like somebody misses Saturday morning cartoons - or never missed any,” Santori said.
“Those tripods were scary,” Amsterdam said flatly. Ever since I heard that broadcast, I make regular stops to check out Grovers Mill. Just in case.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The End
Fandom: New Amsterdam
Characters: Eva, John, Omar, Santori, some others.
Author: Keenir.
Rating: pg-15
Spoilers: eps 1.01-1.05 of New Amsterdam. mostly ep 5
Summary: seven things we'll never ever see on New Amsterdam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. “I can’t picture it.”
“Cricket.”
“Once,” Eva said, then downed a shotglass. “Me and some exchange students set up a little game in the field I grew up by. You?”
“Oh several times.” Most of them before the Revolution, sadly; you’d beat me in a game now.
“Soccer,” Eva said.
“American and European versions,” John nodded. “Basketball,” as Omar served up a fresh set of water for the three of them.
“Please,” she said, rolling her eyes, “I could dribble before I could stand.”
“That’s usually true for anybody.”
Eva groaned. Omar reluctantly pointed out, “You walked into that one.”
“Yeah. Okay, Amsterdam, have you ever played basketball with a solid rubber ball?”
“Nope.” Not ever.
“That’s one.”
“Wait - what?” John asked. “What’d I do?” Usually Eva’s phrase was used by people who would count to three and no higher.
“Nothing,” Eva said. “I’m just surprised there’s something I’ve done that the great John Amsterdam hasn’t,” chuckling.
“Do tell,” Omar encouraged, leaning on the bar.
“I was fifteen, all gangly, and my parents took me on a trip to the Yucatan.”
“I doubt that,” John said.
“What, that my parents could afford to take me to Mexico?”
“No, no, not that. I believe that.”
“Then what?”
“I can’t really picture you as gangly.”
Omar backed up, grabbing the empties while he was at it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Shoes.
Opening the door to the Sargeant’s office, “Sarge, I -” and stopped dead where she was. “Am I interrupting something?” Why did both Amsterdam and the Sarge have their feet up on her desk?
“No,” John said. “We were just discussing shoes.”
“Shoes?”
“That’s right,” their boss said. “ ‘ppearantly Amsterdam isn’t just a criminology database.”
Under her breath as she backed out and shut the door, “Of course he isn’t.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Missing scene.
John followed Eva into the hotel, his shoulders slumped with the air of a man defeated. Under his breath, soto voice - or a stage whisper, depending on which of them you ask - he groused, “If you hadn’t remembered it, I’d have gotten to second base by now.”
Eva wheeled on him, spinning on the ball of her foot faster than he’d seen her do before, “If you dawdle any further, if you walk any slower, or if it isn’t still in our hotel room here, you will not - I promise you - ever get to first base. Do I make myself clear you little,” and started to belittle him in several languages.
John knew most of them, so he could look genuinely relieved when a maid came by, asking “Can I help you?”
Eva stopped her rant, and turned her attention to the maid. “Definitely,” trying not to sound cold and distant to the help.
Definitely a lot, John thought, of passion there…and not a little bit of, as you put it, chutzpah. But Eva, don’t think I won’t later ask you why you called me a treif puta.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. A non-realistic picture of drunks. (version 1)
John Amsterdam stumbled into the police bullpen. “Damnit,” he swore when he ran into the door.
He made his way to Eva, hauled her to her feet, and clumsily kissing her.
She pushed him away. “You stink, Amsterdam. You been drinking?”
“Jussss a little,” John said. “You’rrrre pretty.”
“What happened to your doctor?”
“Meanie. She dumped me. Stupid. Aw, piss on her.”
“So eloquent,” Eva quipped. “I’m starting to see why you got dumped.”
“Naw. I drank after. Stupid Sara.” And he tried - again - to kiss Eva.
She moved, twisting his arm behind his back, slamming his head against her desk. “Don’t.” No way in hell was she about to let Amsterdam fondle her.
“C’mon, you want me. You know it.”
“She said don’t, Amsterdam,” Santori said, coming over.
John shook Eva off, then strode up to Santori, slapping his face. “That’s enough. I demand satisfaction.”
“Yeah? Well don’t be looking at me. And don’t look at her either.”
“Thanks,” Eva said, meaning it this time.
Santori nodded.
John’s reaction was to slap Santori again. “I demand satisfaction for that as well. As you are the challenged, you may pick the time and place of the duel, as well as the weapons.”
“Anything I want?” Santori asked, an evil grin on his face.
“Anything.”
“Fine. Fifty years from now, the main bridge in Central Park, and slingshots.”
“Done,” and walked off…or staggered off. It was the last any of them saw of Amsterdam for the next forty-nine years.
“I have a very bad feeling about this,” Eva said, standing by Santori.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. A non-realistic picture of drunks. (version 2)
John Amsterdam stumbled into the police bullpen. “Damnit,” he swore when he ran into the door.
He made his way to Eva, hauled her to her feet, and clumsily kissing her.
She pushed him away. “You stink, Amsterdam. You been drinking?”
“Jussss a little,” John said. “You’rrrre pretty.”
“What happened to your doctor?”
“Meanie. She dumped me. Stupid. Aw, piss on her.”
“So eloquent,” Eva quipped. “I’m starting to see why you got dumped.”
“Naw. I drank after. Stupid Sara.” And he tried - again - to kiss Eva.
She moved, twisting his arm behind his back, slamming his head against her desk. “Don’t.”
“C’mon, you want me. You know it.”
“She said don’t, Amsterdam,” Santori said, coming over.
John shook Eva off, then strode up to Santori, slapping his face. “That’s enough. I demand satisfaction.”
“Yeah? Well don’t be looking at me. And don’t look at her either.”
“Thanks,” Eva said, meaning it this time.
Santori nodded.
John’s reaction was to slap Santori again. “I demand satisfaction for that as well. As you are the challenged, you may pick the time and place of the duel, as well as the weapons.”
“Anything I want?” Santori asked, an evil grin on his face.
“Anything.”
“Fine. Fifty years from now, the main bridge in Central Park, and slingshots.”
“Done,” and walked off…or staggered off.
“I have a very bad feeling about this,” Eva said, standing by Santori.
“Ah, don’t worry,” Santori said. “Besides, dueling’s been illegal in New York for over a century. What kind of fool challenges a guy to a duel in this day and age, and expects it to get carried out?”
“A drunk fool.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Curses, googled again!
“Hey Amsterdam,” Eva said, “c’mere.”
As there was nothing else to occupy their time - no investigations, no dates for either of them, not even an upcoming jazz concert to prepare for - John Amsterdam got up and came around the desk to Eva’s side. “What?” he asked in his nicest, most polite and formal - without sounding sappy or effeminate or patronizing - voice.
“I googled you, and -”
“Let me guess. Nothing from before five years ago, right?” Sara already did all that.
“Nope.”
“’Nope’?” a shiver of unease rolling down his spine uncomfortably like sweat.
“Yep. I took a photo of you, and used some of the latest toys to arrive here at the precinct…and, voila,” brandishing a hand to her computer screen -
Which was full of photographs and portraits of a series of men whose resemblance to Amsterdam was more disturbing than merely uncanny.
“Wow,” John said.
“But the weird thing,” Eva said, “is that none of these dates overlap. Not one of these guys could’ve gone and found any of the others.”
“Maybe they wouldn’t’ve wanted to anyway.”
Eva snorted her disbelief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Age =/= untrickable
“Worst invasion ever,” one of their number said.
“Sea lion,” Santori said.
“Doesn’t count,” Marquez said, “since it never got off the planning table.”
“Oh yeah? Then what was the worst?”
“Invasion of Japan.”
“Talk about just being a plan.”
“No, the Mongols really did invade.”
“Never discount time,” Amsterdam chided Santori. “But I hate to tell you this, Eva, but you’re wrong.”
“Really?” looking at him challengingly. “Then who?”
“The Martians.”
“Sounds like somebody misses Saturday morning cartoons - or never missed any,” Santori said.
“Those tripods were scary,” Amsterdam said flatly. Ever since I heard that broadcast, I make regular stops to check out Grovers Mill. Just in case.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The End