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This time Mike grades...
CAMP SONGS!!!!!!!
Remember a time, in the not-so-distant past, when you were just a little squirt going to camp? I sure do. Playing Red Rover, eyeing that super cute girl in the face paint, and who could forget, of course, singing those inane camp songs every day on the humpity-bumpity camp bus? The line between a great camp song and a truly awful one is very, very thin, really because of the nature of the songs themselves. Here, in this entry, I'll attempt to pigeonhole the songs of our camp-laden childhood--from the stupidly awesome to the just-plain-stupid, and everything in between.
"99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"
"99 Bottles" is a bona-fide classic, and anyone who tells you differently is a shriveled old codger who just wants to ruin your beer-guzzling fun. For most of us, the song was our first exposure to alcohol, and though none of us knew exactly what beer could do to us at the time (give us gigantic bellies, land us in bed with someone we wouldn't dare canoodle with even if we owed money to a loan shark and that's what it took to spare our precious lives), somehow the G-rated substitutions of "milk" and "pop" for "beer" made the song 1000x lamer. It's perfect for long bus rides, when you actually anticipate getting down to bottle #1, and then--"Go to the store, buy some more, 99 bottles of beer on the wall." I swear, the fun never ends! 99 more bottles of beer on that fucking wall and it's all for me to take down and pass around. Yeeha!
Grade: A+
"Little Bunny Foo-Foo"
Most people who sing "Little Bunny Foo-Foo" know that the major backdrop for the story is Foo-Foo scooping up field mice and bopping them on the head. But rarely does anyone remember (at least I don't remember) the second part of the story, which involves a good fairy threatening to turn Foo-Foo into a goon if he doesn't stop his bopping. It's pretty easy to see why; good fairies have no place at camp, it's difficult to picture what Foo-Foo would look like as a goon (whatever that is), and the last line of the song is too dried up and unfunny for kids to appreciate, let alone sing ("And the moral of the story is: here today, goon tomorrow!"). Just let the little bunny bop the damn field mice, okay? And for God's sake, make sure the kids on the bus do the bopping motion while they're singing it. Bonus points if they bop each other.
Grade: C+
"John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt"
Hey! That's my name too! I mean it! Do you know how hard it is to be a human being in this godforsaken one-horse town with a name like John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt? Can you even begin to comprehend the humiliation, the onerousness, the torture of having a name like John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt? I mean, whenever I go out, the people always shout, "There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt! What a douchebag!" Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Grade: D
"Little Red Caboose"
The song doesn't really have a melody and there's nothing pokier than a little red caboose, but so what? What it lacks in a memorable melody it makes up in percussiveness, and everyone knows that kids love a good beat. Kids love making motions too (as you can already tell, I'm the kid freaking cognoscente here), and this one's got plenty; not to mention, the motion that goes with "comin' around the track-track-track-track" allows kids to do a primative version of the "Mixing Bowl," which is as dopey a move as they come and is virtually guaranteed to get you kicked out of a dance club. The song's a little short, but whatever. You can always just repeat it.
Grade: B
"Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves"
Well, truth in advertising, right? Other than the "Song That Never Ends" (thanks a lot, Lamb Chop), this is indeed the song that is most likely to get on everybody's nerves. You can use this to your advantage, provided that the song doesn't get on your nerves and turn you into a frustrated ball of neurons that vibrates like a struck tuning fork. If ever you hate someone--let's say Suzy who called you a Horse's Butt to your face--and want to get back at her, just sing the song really loudly in her ear (use a bullhorn for effect) and don't stop until you bust your windpipe. Of course, this can also be detrimental, since if cute little Laura hears you singing this at full volume, *poof* there go your chances of kissing her behind the bunk.
Grade: B-
"Boom Chicka Boom"
Hooray for nonsense songs! After you're expected to speak pitch-perfect English in grammar school, it's really liberating to say "I said a boom chicka raka chicka raka chicka boom!" Its primal exultations (oh man, listen to me! I might have to say "boom chicka raka" just to keep my bearings) of "Oh yeah" and "Uh huh" actually pin it as something of a kid's hip-hop song, and that's way cool. Plus, you can do it in all sorts of "styles"--as many as you want. Chicken style! Underwater style! Arnold Schwarzeneggar style! Deep-in-thought style! Gonna go hang myself in the attic style!
Grade: A
"Happy and You Know It"
Clap my hands, huh? *Claps hands once* Gee, I don't feel that happy. Hmm. Maybe if I clap them again...*claps hands again*...Nope, still feel shitty. Hey, wait a minute.... I'm only supposed to clap them when I'm happy and I know it? What if I'm not happy? What if I don't know it? What if some madman came up to my dog yesterday and shot him in the head? Am I not allowed to clap now? Huh? Eat me, shitheads!
Grade: D-
"Pizza Hut"
In post-Super-Size Me and Fast Food Nation America, you'd have to have a lot of gall to be a camp counselor and still champion the "Pizza Hut" song--a song with not one but three major fast food chains appearing in its verses. Why are Pizza Hut, McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken all mentioned together in one place ("McDoooonalds, McDooooonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut")? Nobody can say. It's not even about anything! It's as if the executives of said fast food chains settled their differences and came together in order to hatch a plot that would hypnotize all of the children of America, if only they could get them to chant "Pizza Hut" enough times, and drive them like so many coke-drained zombies into their stores for Big Macs, Deep Dishes and Chicken Gravy Bowls.
Grade: D+
"God Bless My Underwear"
I don't know about you, but I never sang this song at camp. Seems really inappropriate for the giddy blonde-haired pony-tailed camp counselor to be singing odes to her underwear, which at her age would probably be a pink polka-dotted thong (but thankfully the kids don't know that). There might have also been a collective fear among counselors that the song would inspire a gang of 8-year-old hooligans to steal an unfortunate kid's tighty-whities in the middle of the night and hang them ceremoniously from the flagpole. Tighty-whities with red and blue fish all over them, colored vaguely pink from so many washes, and--Hey! Those are MINE!! COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE TWERPS BEFORE I HANG YOUR UNDERWEAR FROM THE FLAGPOLE WITH YOU STILL IN 'EM!!!
Grade: B+
CAMP SONGS!!!!!!!
Remember a time, in the not-so-distant past, when you were just a little squirt going to camp? I sure do. Playing Red Rover, eyeing that super cute girl in the face paint, and who could forget, of course, singing those inane camp songs every day on the humpity-bumpity camp bus? The line between a great camp song and a truly awful one is very, very thin, really because of the nature of the songs themselves. Here, in this entry, I'll attempt to pigeonhole the songs of our camp-laden childhood--from the stupidly awesome to the just-plain-stupid, and everything in between.
"99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"
"99 Bottles" is a bona-fide classic, and anyone who tells you differently is a shriveled old codger who just wants to ruin your beer-guzzling fun. For most of us, the song was our first exposure to alcohol, and though none of us knew exactly what beer could do to us at the time (give us gigantic bellies, land us in bed with someone we wouldn't dare canoodle with even if we owed money to a loan shark and that's what it took to spare our precious lives), somehow the G-rated substitutions of "milk" and "pop" for "beer" made the song 1000x lamer. It's perfect for long bus rides, when you actually anticipate getting down to bottle #1, and then--"Go to the store, buy some more, 99 bottles of beer on the wall." I swear, the fun never ends! 99 more bottles of beer on that fucking wall and it's all for me to take down and pass around. Yeeha!
Grade: A+
"Little Bunny Foo-Foo"
Most people who sing "Little Bunny Foo-Foo" know that the major backdrop for the story is Foo-Foo scooping up field mice and bopping them on the head. But rarely does anyone remember (at least I don't remember) the second part of the story, which involves a good fairy threatening to turn Foo-Foo into a goon if he doesn't stop his bopping. It's pretty easy to see why; good fairies have no place at camp, it's difficult to picture what Foo-Foo would look like as a goon (whatever that is), and the last line of the song is too dried up and unfunny for kids to appreciate, let alone sing ("And the moral of the story is: here today, goon tomorrow!"). Just let the little bunny bop the damn field mice, okay? And for God's sake, make sure the kids on the bus do the bopping motion while they're singing it. Bonus points if they bop each other.
Grade: C+
"John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt"
Hey! That's my name too! I mean it! Do you know how hard it is to be a human being in this godforsaken one-horse town with a name like John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt? Can you even begin to comprehend the humiliation, the onerousness, the torture of having a name like John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt? I mean, whenever I go out, the people always shout, "There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt! What a douchebag!" Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Grade: D
"Little Red Caboose"
The song doesn't really have a melody and there's nothing pokier than a little red caboose, but so what? What it lacks in a memorable melody it makes up in percussiveness, and everyone knows that kids love a good beat. Kids love making motions too (as you can already tell, I'm the kid freaking cognoscente here), and this one's got plenty; not to mention, the motion that goes with "comin' around the track-track-track-track" allows kids to do a primative version of the "Mixing Bowl," which is as dopey a move as they come and is virtually guaranteed to get you kicked out of a dance club. The song's a little short, but whatever. You can always just repeat it.
Grade: B
"Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves"
Well, truth in advertising, right? Other than the "Song That Never Ends" (thanks a lot, Lamb Chop), this is indeed the song that is most likely to get on everybody's nerves. You can use this to your advantage, provided that the song doesn't get on your nerves and turn you into a frustrated ball of neurons that vibrates like a struck tuning fork. If ever you hate someone--let's say Suzy who called you a Horse's Butt to your face--and want to get back at her, just sing the song really loudly in her ear (use a bullhorn for effect) and don't stop until you bust your windpipe. Of course, this can also be detrimental, since if cute little Laura hears you singing this at full volume, *poof* there go your chances of kissing her behind the bunk.
Grade: B-
"Boom Chicka Boom"
Hooray for nonsense songs! After you're expected to speak pitch-perfect English in grammar school, it's really liberating to say "I said a boom chicka raka chicka raka chicka boom!" Its primal exultations (oh man, listen to me! I might have to say "boom chicka raka" just to keep my bearings) of "Oh yeah" and "Uh huh" actually pin it as something of a kid's hip-hop song, and that's way cool. Plus, you can do it in all sorts of "styles"--as many as you want. Chicken style! Underwater style! Arnold Schwarzeneggar style! Deep-in-thought style! Gonna go hang myself in the attic style!
Grade: A
"Happy and You Know It"
Clap my hands, huh? *Claps hands once* Gee, I don't feel that happy. Hmm. Maybe if I clap them again...*claps hands again*...Nope, still feel shitty. Hey, wait a minute.... I'm only supposed to clap them when I'm happy and I know it? What if I'm not happy? What if I don't know it? What if some madman came up to my dog yesterday and shot him in the head? Am I not allowed to clap now? Huh? Eat me, shitheads!
Grade: D-
"Pizza Hut"
In post-Super-Size Me and Fast Food Nation America, you'd have to have a lot of gall to be a camp counselor and still champion the "Pizza Hut" song--a song with not one but three major fast food chains appearing in its verses. Why are Pizza Hut, McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken all mentioned together in one place ("McDoooonalds, McDooooonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut")? Nobody can say. It's not even about anything! It's as if the executives of said fast food chains settled their differences and came together in order to hatch a plot that would hypnotize all of the children of America, if only they could get them to chant "Pizza Hut" enough times, and drive them like so many coke-drained zombies into their stores for Big Macs, Deep Dishes and Chicken Gravy Bowls.
Grade: D+
"God Bless My Underwear"
I don't know about you, but I never sang this song at camp. Seems really inappropriate for the giddy blonde-haired pony-tailed camp counselor to be singing odes to her underwear, which at her age would probably be a pink polka-dotted thong (but thankfully the kids don't know that). There might have also been a collective fear among counselors that the song would inspire a gang of 8-year-old hooligans to steal an unfortunate kid's tighty-whities in the middle of the night and hang them ceremoniously from the flagpole. Tighty-whities with red and blue fish all over them, colored vaguely pink from so many washes, and--Hey! Those are MINE!! COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE TWERPS BEFORE I HANG YOUR UNDERWEAR FROM THE FLAGPOLE WITH YOU STILL IN 'EM!!!
Grade: B+