I was born to indecision
My old insecurities are back full swing making my life miserable. I'm recognizing some of my old fears from past friendships and they're affecting the way I treat my new friends. I'm just so unsure of myself. I don't really trust anyone to be there for me unconditionally the way I try to be there for them. And I'm scared that these fears are going to push my new friends away, and then I will be "abandoned" again, just as I feared.
Plus, I guess I'm having relationship insecurities. It's just that up until recently I've never really been someone that people, especially guys look forward to seeing on a daily basis. And, I thought I found my "group," the people that really thought I was cool and loved being around me. But, that's all changing now and it sucks. Suddenly there's a new girl in the group and I'm not really a necissary part anymore. Especially since I'm not 21 and/or an alcoholic.
Apparantly I'm not good at hiding my insecurities, because now everyone thinks that I hate them. And, I honestly don't hate anyone. But, I'm just not sure what to say to people. Everyone is taking that to mean that I'm blowing them off, or that I don't want to be around them. But, in reality that's just who I am. I am quiet until I'm comfortable around people (and that takes a lot since I'm such an awkward person) and then I can't shut up. So when I'm in a group and I'm comfortable around half the people, and uncomfortable with the other half, I could see how the uncomfortable half could think I'm just being bitchy. But, I just don't know how to remedy the situation. I just can't stand people hating me. Even the concept that "people will hate you just for existing in front of you" is unsettling to me.
So, that's what I've been thinking about lately. I've had too much time alone, and taken way too many naps. This is what happens. :(
Plus, I guess I'm having relationship insecurities. It's just that up until recently I've never really been someone that people, especially guys look forward to seeing on a daily basis. And, I thought I found my "group," the people that really thought I was cool and loved being around me. But, that's all changing now and it sucks. Suddenly there's a new girl in the group and I'm not really a necissary part anymore. Especially since I'm not 21 and/or an alcoholic.
Apparantly I'm not good at hiding my insecurities, because now everyone thinks that I hate them. And, I honestly don't hate anyone. But, I'm just not sure what to say to people. Everyone is taking that to mean that I'm blowing them off, or that I don't want to be around them. But, in reality that's just who I am. I am quiet until I'm comfortable around people (and that takes a lot since I'm such an awkward person) and then I can't shut up. So when I'm in a group and I'm comfortable around half the people, and uncomfortable with the other half, I could see how the uncomfortable half could think I'm just being bitchy. But, I just don't know how to remedy the situation. I just can't stand people hating me. Even the concept that "people will hate you just for existing in front of you" is unsettling to me.
So, that's what I've been thinking about lately. I've had too much time alone, and taken way too many naps. This is what happens. :(