Things don't always turn out that way
Lately I've been thinking about Erin a lot. And not just because she's in the hospital, though she is and I'd appreciate it if everyone sent good thoughts her way. But, lately I've been thinking that I really miss her. I mean, we lived together for a whole year. And, we didn't just cohabitate together. She became like family to me. She listened to every one of my petty problems, and I to hers. We fought sometimes, but we always made up. We even had our daily rituals, like "playtime," for example. But, it just sucks the way you meet people and they have a significant role in your life and you think that they'll never again become an insignificant or null person to you. But, then time and circumstances causes you to lose touch, and it's sad. And, it's not like I can just call her and pick up right where we left things in May. So much has happened and I've changed so much just in the past few months.
All this has got me thinking and realizing just how temporary things are. Me and Lonnie for example. We probably won't stay friends after I leave Florida, and I have enough experience now to accept that reality. But, then there are the scarier ones. Like Emily. We are family at this point, but who knows. 20 years from now we could pass each other in the street and barely recognize each other, briefly engaging in the awkward conversation of former aquaintances. Or Lindsay. We had so many similar life goals. But, what if those all fall apart? What if one day we just stop calling eachother. What if we send forwards back and forth now and again to make sure the other person is still alive?
What's weirder still is that the person I do keep in touch with of all my friends will most likely be the most obscure of all the people I know. Like some random person that I talk to now and again who will suddenly become my best friend and we'll raise our kids together and go to Old Country Buffet with our kids and grandchildren together someday, even after our husbands have passed.
The universe is so fucked up and weird.
I just want so much more from my life than I'm getting right now. I deserve so much more than a 6 day a week, 3.50 an hour serving job at Holiday Inn. I deserve so much more than a he likes me/ he likes me not guy. I deserve more than a one-sided friendship. I deserve a career. I deserve a romance. I deserve a life. I have worked so hard since I was little. I don't belong her, in this place, in this life. I don't feel fulfilled.
I guess there isn't much more I can say about that. Those are just the things that I've been thinking about the past couple days. I think I've just hit another slump. I haven't really been in a slump like this since I was in Michigan. I've been crying everyday. Mostly because I'm so stressed out and burned out from work. But, also because I'm not happy with the life that I'm living. Maybe my expectations really were just too high. Maybe I don't get to be happy.
All this has got me thinking and realizing just how temporary things are. Me and Lonnie for example. We probably won't stay friends after I leave Florida, and I have enough experience now to accept that reality. But, then there are the scarier ones. Like Emily. We are family at this point, but who knows. 20 years from now we could pass each other in the street and barely recognize each other, briefly engaging in the awkward conversation of former aquaintances. Or Lindsay. We had so many similar life goals. But, what if those all fall apart? What if one day we just stop calling eachother. What if we send forwards back and forth now and again to make sure the other person is still alive?
What's weirder still is that the person I do keep in touch with of all my friends will most likely be the most obscure of all the people I know. Like some random person that I talk to now and again who will suddenly become my best friend and we'll raise our kids together and go to Old Country Buffet with our kids and grandchildren together someday, even after our husbands have passed.
The universe is so fucked up and weird.
I just want so much more from my life than I'm getting right now. I deserve so much more than a 6 day a week, 3.50 an hour serving job at Holiday Inn. I deserve so much more than a he likes me/ he likes me not guy. I deserve more than a one-sided friendship. I deserve a career. I deserve a romance. I deserve a life. I have worked so hard since I was little. I don't belong her, in this place, in this life. I don't feel fulfilled.
I guess there isn't much more I can say about that. Those are just the things that I've been thinking about the past couple days. I think I've just hit another slump. I haven't really been in a slump like this since I was in Michigan. I've been crying everyday. Mostly because I'm so stressed out and burned out from work. But, also because I'm not happy with the life that I'm living. Maybe my expectations really were just too high. Maybe I don't get to be happy.