i couldn't ask for more
i saw rick today.
and his three kids.
the baby should be named grumpy.
but hey, at least she isn't like me.
i screamed for 3 years straight.
ask anyone.
i think about things i could write in here a lot.
i had this awesome entry.
Oh K, maybe i'll play.
it was just gunna go on about him.
that osu frat boy.
and his curly hair.
and smile.
and squinty eyes.
and adoriation.
and steeze.
now you C.
clever, aren't i. pishaw, it woulda been better had i found the motivation a week ago.
i almost dropped dead the other day.
my brother came over...my half brother.
Derrick.
not my father's son.
and he had
In Loving Memory
F.E.S
with a knot at the bottom. Knothead. My father's Handle on the radio...crazy truckers.
he had it tattoed on the inside of his bicep.
i almost fell over.
my eyes stung with tears...
but i just had to take a deep breath and look away.
sometimes he gets to me.
sometimes it makes me want to cry until i can't see.
because sometimes its still unreal.
but...i just take a deep breath and look away.
i just blew hayley off.
god i'm an asshole.
but i'm so tired.
i don't want to get drunk.
i just want to...clean my room.
and relax.
because its been so long.
*deep breath*
i figured out what i want to do with my life.
its weird.
its really weird. my entire life i've wanted to be a writer. since i was a little girl. And the last few years i've been like "journalism. its the way to change the world. Its the door that i can walk through." and i know i could do it. I know i could make those connections and live that life.
it takes a special kind of person to live that life.
i've been conditioning myself since i started reading those damn Lillian Jackson Braun books. It takes a dynamic character to pull off being a free-lance journalist...but i know i could do it.
my motivation: travel. see the world. change the way americans look at the wrold. but most of all....see the way other cultures live.
when i talk about the world...i'm not being figurative.
i'm dead fucking serious. I tell everyone I want to go to Africa, and they tell me i'm nuts.
"You'll get Malaria for christ sakes!"
but i'm serious.
*don't worry, this is going somewhere*
so i started doing court appointed community service...
alzhemiers group on wednesdays.
and i met this woman.
and she named off the 25 some odd countries that she's lived in. her children were born in liberia.
She was a Nurse in Red Cross hospitals all over Africa.
all over Europe.
and it hit me.
thats how i can change the world.
i can save lives. people who really need it.
we, as americans, have never seen anyone in need.
real need. dire need.
life and death need.
but...if i went to medical school...
and became a nurse...
there are red cross volenteer hospitals throughout the entire world.
i could go where ever i wanted,
when ever i wanted,
and people would need me.
and i realized...i could be a journalist any time.
i could write anytime.
and truely great writers have some foundation of inspiration.
i gotta live before i can write about life.
...and i realized...being a journalist wouldn't give me that face to face contact with cultures. raw cultures. unfiltered, unsugarcoated, nothing but pure...life.
i could see what Africa was REALLY like.
i could see where (insert destination: here) was really like.
and i couldn't do that being a journalist. i'd simply be skimming the surface searching for a story.
....
so i figured out what i want to dedicate my life to.
and my motivation this time: everything that comes with being a journalist...but for the right reason. the reason of helping people, not exploiting them for a story.
and i think about that feeling i get at the end of outdoor school.
there is nothing more gratifying...than to help people in need. children espically.
and i know...
If I become a Red Cross Volenteer Nurse in Africa. Or ANYWHERE.....
i'll get that feeling at the end of every day.
and i'll have done something with my life.
even if its only for 10 years...
i'll really have made a difference.
i don't want a house. i don't want kids. i don't want money.
i just want to be happy.
-Kayla.
ps. craziest experience ever today.
went to fred meyers in milwaukie...
angela said there was a boy checkin' me out...
and i barely glanced at him and walked away...
and it hit me.
it was sean.
i couldn't go back and talk to him.
i didn't know what i'd say.
i couldn't look him in the eye.
i'd simply...die.
it was crazy.
i swear to god it was him. i swear.
and his three kids.
the baby should be named grumpy.
but hey, at least she isn't like me.
i screamed for 3 years straight.
ask anyone.
i think about things i could write in here a lot.
i had this awesome entry.
Oh K, maybe i'll play.
it was just gunna go on about him.
that osu frat boy.
and his curly hair.
and smile.
and squinty eyes.
and adoriation.
and steeze.
now you C.
clever, aren't i. pishaw, it woulda been better had i found the motivation a week ago.
i almost dropped dead the other day.
my brother came over...my half brother.
Derrick.
not my father's son.
and he had
In Loving Memory
F.E.S
with a knot at the bottom. Knothead. My father's Handle on the radio...crazy truckers.
he had it tattoed on the inside of his bicep.
i almost fell over.
my eyes stung with tears...
but i just had to take a deep breath and look away.
sometimes he gets to me.
sometimes it makes me want to cry until i can't see.
because sometimes its still unreal.
but...i just take a deep breath and look away.
i just blew hayley off.
god i'm an asshole.
but i'm so tired.
i don't want to get drunk.
i just want to...clean my room.
and relax.
because its been so long.
*deep breath*
i figured out what i want to do with my life.
its weird.
its really weird. my entire life i've wanted to be a writer. since i was a little girl. And the last few years i've been like "journalism. its the way to change the world. Its the door that i can walk through." and i know i could do it. I know i could make those connections and live that life.
it takes a special kind of person to live that life.
i've been conditioning myself since i started reading those damn Lillian Jackson Braun books. It takes a dynamic character to pull off being a free-lance journalist...but i know i could do it.
my motivation: travel. see the world. change the way americans look at the wrold. but most of all....see the way other cultures live.
when i talk about the world...i'm not being figurative.
i'm dead fucking serious. I tell everyone I want to go to Africa, and they tell me i'm nuts.
"You'll get Malaria for christ sakes!"
but i'm serious.
*don't worry, this is going somewhere*
so i started doing court appointed community service...
alzhemiers group on wednesdays.
and i met this woman.
and she named off the 25 some odd countries that she's lived in. her children were born in liberia.
She was a Nurse in Red Cross hospitals all over Africa.
all over Europe.
and it hit me.
thats how i can change the world.
i can save lives. people who really need it.
we, as americans, have never seen anyone in need.
real need. dire need.
life and death need.
but...if i went to medical school...
and became a nurse...
there are red cross volenteer hospitals throughout the entire world.
i could go where ever i wanted,
when ever i wanted,
and people would need me.
and i realized...i could be a journalist any time.
i could write anytime.
and truely great writers have some foundation of inspiration.
i gotta live before i can write about life.
...and i realized...being a journalist wouldn't give me that face to face contact with cultures. raw cultures. unfiltered, unsugarcoated, nothing but pure...life.
i could see what Africa was REALLY like.
i could see where (insert destination: here) was really like.
and i couldn't do that being a journalist. i'd simply be skimming the surface searching for a story.
....
so i figured out what i want to dedicate my life to.
and my motivation this time: everything that comes with being a journalist...but for the right reason. the reason of helping people, not exploiting them for a story.
and i think about that feeling i get at the end of outdoor school.
there is nothing more gratifying...than to help people in need. children espically.
and i know...
If I become a Red Cross Volenteer Nurse in Africa. Or ANYWHERE.....
i'll get that feeling at the end of every day.
and i'll have done something with my life.
even if its only for 10 years...
i'll really have made a difference.
i don't want a house. i don't want kids. i don't want money.
i just want to be happy.
-Kayla.
ps. craziest experience ever today.
went to fred meyers in milwaukie...
angela said there was a boy checkin' me out...
and i barely glanced at him and walked away...
and it hit me.
it was sean.
i couldn't go back and talk to him.
i didn't know what i'd say.
i couldn't look him in the eye.
i'd simply...die.
it was crazy.
i swear to god it was him. i swear.