(no subject)
i hate this trapt feeling.
like i feel like i'm stuck in some stupid schedule.
and if i feel that way. why dont i just change it then?
its because i'm trapt in this mood. emotion.
its like not lazyness either.
so its odd.
and i dont understand it.
and it just feels like i'm in some state of confusion.
and so its like.
i'm like that boy.
i laugh just so i dont think about everything thats going around.
so i dont stop and cry.
even though i dont think i would cry.
but thats how the boy was in the movie.
its just like too much for me to handle anymore.
to stop and thinking about everything.
its like no one else does.
so why should i care to?
why should i waste my time. when no one else cares.
i mean i guess thats stupid.
i shouldnt be like everyone else.
but see when i think about things i get stuck in the middle.
its like yes. and no.
but not maybe.
its just a big not of confusion.
so i'm not even sure if i'm saying i'm running away from my problems.
"i love talking about nothing. its the only thing i know anything about."
i dont like how i run to live journal to write. sad. mad. or anything thats not so happy. i mean yeah its nice to. but not for every entry.
today i saw Breakfast on Pluto with Josh.
its seriously like the best movie ever.
its like that, cabaret, rocky, garden state, and others. just so amazing.
like wow. just changed how i want things.
and i love having that time with josh.
those artisy times.
its cute and fun.
seems like hes the only one i can talk art with.
but i kind of like that.
theres boundires.
to how much i write in this.
just because theres certain people who may read this.
and theres just so much i want to say.
but i guess i'm afraid of everyones reactions.
and i mean most probably dont care. but still.
its just this feeling i get.
this is kind of how i see my life.
not really in years but in times.
like i compare now to the days when jaymee and i were inseparable.
and i hate that too. and i keep trying to stop.
but what can i say. i fell in love with that girl.
anywho.
brokeback moutain. aka. the gay cowboy movie comes out tomorrow.
very exciting.
gonna see it with my sunshine.
so its gonna be fabulous just seeing it with him.
dressing up like cowboys.
yeah its kind of lame. but more cute.
eh school sucks.
i hate it.
waiting for summer.
hoping to spend most of it with trevor.
having fun. new things. new adventures. etc.etc.
getting to this point where i think i'm growing up.
and i see that as. when i get my permit. becausethen it turns into license.
and job.
and then more responsibility i just dont want.
its like why is every so "very, very serious."
its like i just want to go to london.
and paint.
thats it.
and just live life. paintng and walking down the streets of london in fabulous fashion in the rain.
and just doing that.
i dont want a job. money. responsibility
i dnt want to wake up every day feeling like i have to do something.
iwantto wake up not knowing whats gonna happen.
i dont want to feel dependent of people.
i want to just live life.
being happy if its just me.
but being happy that there are other people around.
perhaps i can make life that way.
but not yet.
one day.
in london.
like i feel like i'm stuck in some stupid schedule.
and if i feel that way. why dont i just change it then?
its because i'm trapt in this mood. emotion.
its like not lazyness either.
so its odd.
and i dont understand it.
and it just feels like i'm in some state of confusion.
and so its like.
i'm like that boy.
i laugh just so i dont think about everything thats going around.
so i dont stop and cry.
even though i dont think i would cry.
but thats how the boy was in the movie.
its just like too much for me to handle anymore.
to stop and thinking about everything.
its like no one else does.
so why should i care to?
why should i waste my time. when no one else cares.
i mean i guess thats stupid.
i shouldnt be like everyone else.
but see when i think about things i get stuck in the middle.
its like yes. and no.
but not maybe.
its just a big not of confusion.
so i'm not even sure if i'm saying i'm running away from my problems.
"i love talking about nothing. its the only thing i know anything about."
i dont like how i run to live journal to write. sad. mad. or anything thats not so happy. i mean yeah its nice to. but not for every entry.
today i saw Breakfast on Pluto with Josh.
its seriously like the best movie ever.
its like that, cabaret, rocky, garden state, and others. just so amazing.
like wow. just changed how i want things.
and i love having that time with josh.
those artisy times.
its cute and fun.
seems like hes the only one i can talk art with.
but i kind of like that.
theres boundires.
to how much i write in this.
just because theres certain people who may read this.
and theres just so much i want to say.
but i guess i'm afraid of everyones reactions.
and i mean most probably dont care. but still.
its just this feeling i get.
this is kind of how i see my life.
not really in years but in times.
like i compare now to the days when jaymee and i were inseparable.
and i hate that too. and i keep trying to stop.
but what can i say. i fell in love with that girl.
anywho.
brokeback moutain. aka. the gay cowboy movie comes out tomorrow.
very exciting.
gonna see it with my sunshine.
so its gonna be fabulous just seeing it with him.
dressing up like cowboys.
yeah its kind of lame. but more cute.
eh school sucks.
i hate it.
waiting for summer.
hoping to spend most of it with trevor.
having fun. new things. new adventures. etc.etc.
getting to this point where i think i'm growing up.
and i see that as. when i get my permit. becausethen it turns into license.
and job.
and then more responsibility i just dont want.
its like why is every so "very, very serious."
its like i just want to go to london.
and paint.
thats it.
and just live life. paintng and walking down the streets of london in fabulous fashion in the rain.
and just doing that.
i dont want a job. money. responsibility
i dnt want to wake up every day feeling like i have to do something.
iwantto wake up not knowing whats gonna happen.
i dont want to feel dependent of people.
i want to just live life.
being happy if its just me.
but being happy that there are other people around.
perhaps i can make life that way.
but not yet.
one day.
in london.