(no subject)
I slept more in the past 36 hours or so than I can ever remember sleeping on any other occasion without having to force myself to sleep. I really needed sleep.
I just wrote something and then erased it because I remembered my parents can probably get access to this (if they don't already have it) since it is the family computer (obviously; the only one I have) and they've managed to do it before. I'm not sure why I'm writing in this. It seems very bitter writing in this since I typically only write when I feel like shit. This occasion being no exception. I feel fucked up from my medication change, or at least I'm attributing it to my medication change.
I wonder if I didn't allow myself to be treated the way I'm being treated, whether or not I'd continue to be treated in the same manner. What bothers me is the lack of respect. Being treated without respect by total strangers is frustrating, let alone coming from someone who is a best friend. If I don’t receive respect from the people who are closest to me, I imagine I’ll start to feel like I don’t deserve it from anyone. I feel like I am a very emotionally-giving friend (minus the occasions-which, from my perspective, are entirely in the past--when I've been completely devoid of psychological stability and caused my friends a lot of grief, and I regret those occasions more than anything). I think part of the reason I’m not responding to the way I’m being treated is because of the ‘occasions’ that I just mentioned. I probably deserve to be treated poorly, to say the least. And I can’t help thinking that maybe those ‘occasions,’ however in the past, are the motivating factor behind the treatment I’m receiving. And, if that is the case, I really don’t know what to do about the situation because I really don’t feel like I have the right to demand better treatment from someone who I’ve administered such terrible treatment to in the past. And even though it was my illness instead of my conscious choice that fueled my actions, the guilt I feel is tremendous.
And then I wonder if maybe I’m just exaggerating the whole thing-just blowing it all out of proportion. I am thrilled that this friendship ended up surviving because, for many months, I was painfully certain that it wouldn’t. But then, when I think about it, the reason I went to such enormous lengths to salvage the friendship to begin with was because it was based so much on empathy and respect. And a friendship like that is very hard to come by, so I did everything I could to preserve it, even after it seemed that there was no hope for it at all. So when things were finally worked out, I was so overjoyed. And in the beginning, it was just like old times; everything seemed back to normal. I remember hearing the statement, “I think we’re even closer now because of everything that happened in the past,” several times, and it really seemed that way. And I can’t pinpoint when it started to change, but now everything feels different. Instead of empathy and respect, I feel like I’m treated like trash. I am honestly worse to myself than anyone has ever been. I apologize for the emo-ness of the following statement, but in all honesty, I really hate myself. The only things that really provide me with some sense of self-respect are my musical and artistic abilities, and if I’m not mistaken, this is the longest period of time that those abilities have been absent. I am really starting to worry that they will not return. So feeling the way I currently do about myself, I am very much in need of empathy, if not respect, from the very limited number of people who I’m close to. But in this one situation, from one of my only two best friends, I feel like I’m receiving the exact opposite. I feel like my vulnerability is being exploited. It really is beginning to seem as if she is intentionally finding the deepest, most sensitive issues-the aspects about my personality and personal abilities which I am the most painfully self-conscious, critical, and ashamed of-and then pointing them out, belittling them, and tearing them and me to shreds right in front of my face. I don’t understand it. I am so completely saddened by this whole situation because there are no words to explain how happy I was to have this friendship back. But I do feel like there is still very much hope for change. And in spite of the episodic mistreatment, I really do still enjoy hanging out; it is not as if I am being degraded every second of the time. I just think I really need to confront the issue, and hopefully things will improve.