starting now i'm starting over.
so things weren't as okay as i thought.
dustin and i broke up.
yes, this is for good and it's been brewing for awhile. sometimes you're working so hard to make someone else happy that you don't realize how miserable you've become. our relationship was so great for so long that i couldn't accept the decline as real, and so we fought it. sometimes, though, when you grow up you also grow apart. sometimes one of you grows up more than the other. we want different things, plain and simple, and sometimes there are no compromises big enough to keep something from falling apart. and it fucking hurts, but i had to do it.
the pain will fade--this i know. just like the bruises on my hand from when i punched his car in the parking lot during the last fight we ever had, before i walked away. and he got out of the car and asked me to come back, but i kept walking. and i went to an athfest party team clermont was hosting--and he was supposed to be my date. i cried in the bathroom and almost got a cab home.. and then i ran into a couple of friends. and we got drunk and wandered downtown all night. saturday i did the same. funny, my saving grace(s) were the last people i'd expect. graham being one of them. he let me talk and cry on his shoulder and stayed up all night while i reasoned things out in my head. and he never once made a move or did anything out of line at all. and rj, whose been around for the entire collapse, and davis who met me downtown after i saw dustin with the girl who tried to break us up last time. and phillip, whose been through these things so many times he should probably write a book.
i'd been starting to feel really ridiculous lately. dustin suddenly stopped smiling when we were together, stopped laughing at my jokes, stopped listening to my stories. i started to feel that it was me. that i'd suddenly becomes less attractive, less interesting. i felt that if i wasn't with him, i'd have no one in this town at all. i couldn't have been more wrong, seeing as i've actually heard much different from several people in the past few days. lots of "you were wasting your time with him" and "i've always thought he was a tool." a little bit of "what took you so long?" and then, at the bar at 40 watt, someone i'd always thought was closer with dustin said to me "well it's too bad i'm in a relationship because i've always thought you were great. you'll have them lining up before you even leave the club."
i still don't know which is true. i think when you're in a relationship for awhile--especially one that takes so much work--you begin to loose yourself. you mistake security for happiness and comfort for love. i can honestly say this is the first time in several years that i am fully carrie. i'm no one's sidekick and no one's girlfriend. not that i didn't love those roles to death, but i've never known anything else. but i woke up this morning fresh from days of tears and haven't shed one all day because i know this was the right choice and i know that there is this whole unexplored territory that i'm about to embark on.
dustin and i broke up.
yes, this is for good and it's been brewing for awhile. sometimes you're working so hard to make someone else happy that you don't realize how miserable you've become. our relationship was so great for so long that i couldn't accept the decline as real, and so we fought it. sometimes, though, when you grow up you also grow apart. sometimes one of you grows up more than the other. we want different things, plain and simple, and sometimes there are no compromises big enough to keep something from falling apart. and it fucking hurts, but i had to do it.
the pain will fade--this i know. just like the bruises on my hand from when i punched his car in the parking lot during the last fight we ever had, before i walked away. and he got out of the car and asked me to come back, but i kept walking. and i went to an athfest party team clermont was hosting--and he was supposed to be my date. i cried in the bathroom and almost got a cab home.. and then i ran into a couple of friends. and we got drunk and wandered downtown all night. saturday i did the same. funny, my saving grace(s) were the last people i'd expect. graham being one of them. he let me talk and cry on his shoulder and stayed up all night while i reasoned things out in my head. and he never once made a move or did anything out of line at all. and rj, whose been around for the entire collapse, and davis who met me downtown after i saw dustin with the girl who tried to break us up last time. and phillip, whose been through these things so many times he should probably write a book.
i'd been starting to feel really ridiculous lately. dustin suddenly stopped smiling when we were together, stopped laughing at my jokes, stopped listening to my stories. i started to feel that it was me. that i'd suddenly becomes less attractive, less interesting. i felt that if i wasn't with him, i'd have no one in this town at all. i couldn't have been more wrong, seeing as i've actually heard much different from several people in the past few days. lots of "you were wasting your time with him" and "i've always thought he was a tool." a little bit of "what took you so long?" and then, at the bar at 40 watt, someone i'd always thought was closer with dustin said to me "well it's too bad i'm in a relationship because i've always thought you were great. you'll have them lining up before you even leave the club."
i still don't know which is true. i think when you're in a relationship for awhile--especially one that takes so much work--you begin to loose yourself. you mistake security for happiness and comfort for love. i can honestly say this is the first time in several years that i am fully carrie. i'm no one's sidekick and no one's girlfriend. not that i didn't love those roles to death, but i've never known anything else. but i woke up this morning fresh from days of tears and haven't shed one all day because i know this was the right choice and i know that there is this whole unexplored territory that i'm about to embark on.