Insecurity
As I go into 2011, it's safe to say that 2010 was one of my biggest years. I went through shit left and right, my Mom passes away, I get betrayed by a "close friend", and I went through some falling outs and resurrections. And yet, I stand tall, and wiser. There's still one major thing that can wreck all that in my future, and it's having my guards up 24/7.
Ever since I went through constant teasing and bullying all through my school days, I had to raise my guard up and distance myself from people. And even though I've become somewhat more sociable, I think the common consensus amongst anyone I know is that I never relax and that I can't just be myself, as if I'm always afraid. To that, they are right.
I'm the kind of guy who's always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, for the girl to suddenly say it isn't working out, or the friendship to suddenly deteriorate and I get pushed aside like I never meant shit to them. And it HAS happened before quite a few times, and it's gotten very hard to tell what's for real and what's just a show.
I can't even take jabs aimed at me well, especially from my fellow castmembers. I'm still used to the drama queens and jagoffs that made life miserable for me on FFO a few years back, and I find it hard to tell whether they really mean it or not.
I am writing this because I don't want to have a freak out over something, and push away and lock out my friends who didn't deserve it. I've done it in the past and it's cost me dearly. I mean, I got a lot of good opportunities coming up, and I can't let my stupid little fears get in the way of that.
So, I ask to those who are reading...what do you suggest I do to help me relax and ease down my guard?
Ever since I went through constant teasing and bullying all through my school days, I had to raise my guard up and distance myself from people. And even though I've become somewhat more sociable, I think the common consensus amongst anyone I know is that I never relax and that I can't just be myself, as if I'm always afraid. To that, they are right.
I'm the kind of guy who's always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, for the girl to suddenly say it isn't working out, or the friendship to suddenly deteriorate and I get pushed aside like I never meant shit to them. And it HAS happened before quite a few times, and it's gotten very hard to tell what's for real and what's just a show.
I can't even take jabs aimed at me well, especially from my fellow castmembers. I'm still used to the drama queens and jagoffs that made life miserable for me on FFO a few years back, and I find it hard to tell whether they really mean it or not.
I am writing this because I don't want to have a freak out over something, and push away and lock out my friends who didn't deserve it. I've done it in the past and it's cost me dearly. I mean, I got a lot of good opportunities coming up, and I can't let my stupid little fears get in the way of that.
So, I ask to those who are reading...what do you suggest I do to help me relax and ease down my guard?