(no subject)
I had my second and probably last threesome two nights ago. God why does nothing excite me anymore?
I feel like life has become very much that, "hamster on a wheel," bullshit and I'm RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING and never really going anywhere. Which sucks because everyone knows I'm so PROGRESSIVE and I love going places.
School is so boring. Everything is a waste of time. Why do I feel like I'm squandering the GOOD YEARS of my life on all this bullshit like COLLEGE? More importantly, why do I feel like COLLEGE is a waste of my time?
I can't get a job because I find nothing to be stimulating. I mean retail was so much fun. I had something to do and I was doing something simple and enjoyable, with people who were easy to get along with and just kickass. And it's upsetting that I don't feel like I could find that anywhere else.
I hate dorm life. I pretty much hate living here. I mean some of the people are really nice it's just that I'm sick of this environment. And like I think we're all starting to slowly realize that if this was high school, none of us would have ever been friends. We're all completely different people. And diversity is good and all but when close to 60 people have nothing in common it gets rough and quick.
I'm sick of my friends. I'm really sick of being treated like shit and being put on hold for everything else. I don't feel like I've ever de-prioritized the people who have been important to me. And I feel like at the moment I'm so second place in everyone's lives.
And my relationship... well, that's been rocky since day 1. I told him that I loved him the other night, or, more realistically, he pretty much caught me on my shit. Like usual. Anyway, he hasn't said it back yet and I understand that, but I'm just waiting for the time when it's going to start tearing me apart. Because by all other means you would think that we're in love. We play the part rather well, or at least he does. There's cuddling and kissing and sentence-finishing and all that other fag-ass bullshit, but I just... it hurts, you know? There's knowing that he's there, but not all of him. I mean, I hope everything goes well, but outside of hope what else can I do, you know?
And myself. Well, yeah. Whatev. I'm sure I'll get over that sooner or later.
I feel like life has become very much that, "hamster on a wheel," bullshit and I'm RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING and never really going anywhere. Which sucks because everyone knows I'm so PROGRESSIVE and I love going places.
School is so boring. Everything is a waste of time. Why do I feel like I'm squandering the GOOD YEARS of my life on all this bullshit like COLLEGE? More importantly, why do I feel like COLLEGE is a waste of my time?
I can't get a job because I find nothing to be stimulating. I mean retail was so much fun. I had something to do and I was doing something simple and enjoyable, with people who were easy to get along with and just kickass. And it's upsetting that I don't feel like I could find that anywhere else.
I hate dorm life. I pretty much hate living here. I mean some of the people are really nice it's just that I'm sick of this environment. And like I think we're all starting to slowly realize that if this was high school, none of us would have ever been friends. We're all completely different people. And diversity is good and all but when close to 60 people have nothing in common it gets rough and quick.
I'm sick of my friends. I'm really sick of being treated like shit and being put on hold for everything else. I don't feel like I've ever de-prioritized the people who have been important to me. And I feel like at the moment I'm so second place in everyone's lives.
And my relationship... well, that's been rocky since day 1. I told him that I loved him the other night, or, more realistically, he pretty much caught me on my shit. Like usual. Anyway, he hasn't said it back yet and I understand that, but I'm just waiting for the time when it's going to start tearing me apart. Because by all other means you would think that we're in love. We play the part rather well, or at least he does. There's cuddling and kissing and sentence-finishing and all that other fag-ass bullshit, but I just... it hurts, you know? There's knowing that he's there, but not all of him. I mean, I hope everything goes well, but outside of hope what else can I do, you know?
And myself. Well, yeah. Whatev. I'm sure I'll get over that sooner or later.