Staying afloat
i'm writing this here because i dont feel Like dealing with how typically teenager this is and would definitely sound if I posted it on tumblr.
I'm just trying to keep my head above water.
This should be some of the happiest time oft life. I just got engaged for fucks sake! I know I keep saying that... It's not that I am trying to flaunt it, it's just that , at this point I am clinging to it as the only thing that's going ok right now... And as melodramatic as this must sound, I need that.
I wish I could put my finger exactly on what is making life intolerable at the money, but it's just a list of crap that, even if I could properly articulate, would just make me sound like a narcissist and spoiled brat, an while I won't deny that, I certainly don't want to make it explicitly clear either.
And as contradictory as this sounds, even though I understand why everyone must feel and think I am being unreasonable, it would all feel so much better if only some one close to me would stop telling me to feel glad for what I have, and justify my anger at having to do with out.
It's completely immature and prattish of me to have this need for approval. It's downright shameful how much I crave external validation... How GOOD it feels when some one tells me "yes, Jassie, you have suffered. Your pain is real."
That's what tells me I must be my overreacting self.... If I had ever suffered real pain in my life, it wouldn't matter if anyone else saw it... It would be real.
All my struggle must be just in my head. Just like they've always told me...
If it were real, some one else would see it before I was crying out.
I can deal with a lot of reality, but I just can't internalize the idea that everyone else doesn't see pain as plainly as day.
These are rambling a that happen when I haven't had my daily vodka allowance....
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