Day of Rest
I started this morning intending to write an LJ entry/essay about how unfair it is that everyone else seems to be doing gorgeous wonderful things, while I am stuck being the worst script supervisor in the world, and the worst script writer in the world.
I tend to get very caught up in fear. I'm a perfectionist, and nothing I ever write comes out correctly the first time, and that makes me feel like a failure, and worthless, and honestly, writing is really the only time when i'm actually IN the moment (the rest of the time I'm either fantasizing about the future, or rewriting the past) but its absolutely terrifying once I get finished with something, look over it and KNOW that I didn't get where I wanted to be. I'm getting better at not throwing it away and giving up... I've been through 4 rewrites of this script and have only had one complete melt down... But when those melt downs happen, they are terrifying.
I lack the ability to fully articulate how real an issue my self destructive nature is... even if it's only in my head, it's there. I hate myself for not being GOOD ENOUGH, and it really makes me want to do things people tell me are bad to release the anger.
But after a shot of JD and an hour of crying in Crystal's lap about what a terrible writer I am, I decided that I would do what a REAL writer does and just WRITE.
This script is supposed to be 8 pages long. I know 8 pages doesn't seem like a lot, but getting a full story that people can care about down in 8 pages can be pretty tricky.
Thanks to my extreme time limits (it was 3 weeks to cut/rewrite a 30 page script into a 20 page script. it's now: Create a new story based on these characters by Sunday, because we're filming next week) I'd been doing a lot of step skipping. The biggest No-No of all being that I didn't do an outline. And while I'm not dismissing the fact that some writers are completely capable of writing entirely wonderful scripts with no outline at all, I know that I am NOT one of them.
Outlines are a pain in the ass, because they're where you put together the story, and where it first becomes painfully obvious that your brilliant ideas JUST.DON'T.WORK. I excused myself from doing one because I didn't want to fight, and knew that anything I ended up doing wouldn't be what she wanted. So instead of writing out an outline that we could waste time fighting about, I'd just do the pages and let her fight about those. It's not a good idea. And now I know that.
So, this morning, I did write an outline. I also wrote 5 of the 8 pages so far, and think I'll still be able to make this deadline. (My reward to myself for getting this far is a smoke, another shot, and getting to write this entry)
Everyone's been telling me not to blame myself for not saving this project for Veronica. It's not MY project, its just a rewrite. But I can't help but care. Everyone says it's not my fault that it's shitty, but when it comes right down to it, it IS shitty, and I WROTE it. I'm not producing good work, and it's BECAUSE I've been pretending not to care, when, god damn it, I DO CARE.
I got to see Alissa's work mean something this weekend when we made it. Who knows if Heather will ruin it or not in editing? Whats important is, I've been given the same chance- to write something that gets made... and MAKING.MOVIES.IS.FUCKING.AWESOME.
I've got to stop trying to tell myself that I'm OK if I never do this. Because I'm NOT, and pretending that I am is fucking stupid.
I tend to get very caught up in fear. I'm a perfectionist, and nothing I ever write comes out correctly the first time, and that makes me feel like a failure, and worthless, and honestly, writing is really the only time when i'm actually IN the moment (the rest of the time I'm either fantasizing about the future, or rewriting the past) but its absolutely terrifying once I get finished with something, look over it and KNOW that I didn't get where I wanted to be. I'm getting better at not throwing it away and giving up... I've been through 4 rewrites of this script and have only had one complete melt down... But when those melt downs happen, they are terrifying.
I lack the ability to fully articulate how real an issue my self destructive nature is... even if it's only in my head, it's there. I hate myself for not being GOOD ENOUGH, and it really makes me want to do things people tell me are bad to release the anger.
But after a shot of JD and an hour of crying in Crystal's lap about what a terrible writer I am, I decided that I would do what a REAL writer does and just WRITE.
This script is supposed to be 8 pages long. I know 8 pages doesn't seem like a lot, but getting a full story that people can care about down in 8 pages can be pretty tricky.
Thanks to my extreme time limits (it was 3 weeks to cut/rewrite a 30 page script into a 20 page script. it's now: Create a new story based on these characters by Sunday, because we're filming next week) I'd been doing a lot of step skipping. The biggest No-No of all being that I didn't do an outline. And while I'm not dismissing the fact that some writers are completely capable of writing entirely wonderful scripts with no outline at all, I know that I am NOT one of them.
Outlines are a pain in the ass, because they're where you put together the story, and where it first becomes painfully obvious that your brilliant ideas JUST.DON'T.WORK. I excused myself from doing one because I didn't want to fight, and knew that anything I ended up doing wouldn't be what she wanted. So instead of writing out an outline that we could waste time fighting about, I'd just do the pages and let her fight about those. It's not a good idea. And now I know that.
So, this morning, I did write an outline. I also wrote 5 of the 8 pages so far, and think I'll still be able to make this deadline. (My reward to myself for getting this far is a smoke, another shot, and getting to write this entry)
Everyone's been telling me not to blame myself for not saving this project for Veronica. It's not MY project, its just a rewrite. But I can't help but care. Everyone says it's not my fault that it's shitty, but when it comes right down to it, it IS shitty, and I WROTE it. I'm not producing good work, and it's BECAUSE I've been pretending not to care, when, god damn it, I DO CARE.
I got to see Alissa's work mean something this weekend when we made it. Who knows if Heather will ruin it or not in editing? Whats important is, I've been given the same chance- to write something that gets made... and MAKING.MOVIES.IS.FUCKING.AWESOME.
I've got to stop trying to tell myself that I'm OK if I never do this. Because I'm NOT, and pretending that I am is fucking stupid.