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Jan 03, 2005 01:57

OMG I hate this...I'm so fucking sick. I've been coughing up green nastiness all day, and my chest hurts. I've never been sick like this before, I usually always get throat things. I hate it and I'm scared being here alone. I was gonna drive down to San Diego but was too ill to drive.

Jonathan called, and in response to the letter I wrote, he thought I was taking the recent siuations and are just pulling them apart, and finding things that are completely iregaurdless to the siuatuin that I'm speaking about...he's still having touble understanding. He thought I was talking shit about him to Ben, and made me mad since he's trying to reconcile his friendship with Ben...WTF...I was telling him how I'm feeling and once again he's thinking about what other people are thining of him instead of trying to patch things up with me. So then he got mad at me for talking about this to Ben...which Ben in my fucking bro so of course I'm going to talk to him about Jonathan's intentions with friendship. And bu me talking to Ben about this isn't going to make ben hate him more...if Jonathan kept treating me like shit then that would make Ben not like him...ben only likes my friends if they treat me right, if not then he does not want them around...so by me talking to Ben will only help Jonathan to see more, that he needs to treat his friends righ in order for him to patch things up with not just me but Ben also. Then he said I was acting like a dumb girl...and when he said that I was like excuse me...I'm not a fucking dumb girl and you know that, that is why you resepct me so much...and you've told me a million times that you love that I'm not a stupid annoying bitch like the rest of them out here so just because I'm making it appearent that you have been a shitty person to me doesn't mean I'm being dumb...I'm trying to explain my emotions to you and maybe becuase you haven't seen them before you don't like the fact that you don't know me as well as you though...then he's like yeah but I know you Larkin and I know exactly what you are like...and that right there pissed me off because he hardly knows me, yes we've been friends for a year but if he truly knew me none of this shit would have happened. So I hate when someone has me pegged as a certian person and then I show them a side of me they might not have seen before, and then they think that I'm not being my self...that's what irks me so fucking much!!!! So then I was like dude, you fucked up yesterday with not coming over, would you please come keep me company. I'm scared being alone when I'm this sick...and he was like I'm really tired, I'm going to bed. UGHHHHHHHH thanks dude, that's what most of that letter was about...that with my friendships I hold them in the highest place in my heart right along side with my parents, so I would do anything for my friends...literally anything...but I expect that to be reciprocated. If you are a true and genuine friend you would reciprocate things like that without me needing to mention it. FUCK!!! I have literally like one girlfriend out here and all the rest are boys...most of the chiks out here are the stupid girls, who are catty and so caught up in image that they are hollow and are so uptight and have no fun and are shitty friends...I thought that being friends with the boys would be so much easier but it's not...it's so true that they live life by their penis's and not their hearts...because if they did do things by their heart then I wouldn't be in this situation with Jonathan...he's totally dicked me over and over again because he found a hot girl he wanted to hook up with. No problem with me go hook up with the chick but be curtious to me and make sure I'm ok and taken care of instaed of forgetting about me and leaving me to be the 3rd wheel having to sleep on the floor!!!! Well at least when I feel better I can see my crush in Laguna Beach...he's a nice guy and I can count on him to treat me right. I had like a 3 hour convo with my NYC guy...I miss that kid so much, it's been so fun talking to him. He was also a dick to me and treated me like shit, but he was saying he realized what a good thing he had....he was oblivious to me when I was there but now that I'm gone he had time to finally think and realise, so I'm happy that we are on good terms again. Ok gotta go lay back down, I'm feeling like I might pass out :(
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