Letter // 06 May 1977
Please, love, you have to know I would nev
Moony
I’m so sorry, Re
Merlin’s beard, what the fuck have I don
Remus,
I don’t even know how to start this. I mean. I just. Fuck, I’m sorry. I know that’s not enough, will never be enough... but I just... The things that goddamn greasy fuck was saying about you! I just said it, you know? It came out without me really realising what I was saying but I just wanted to scare him to death. I didn’t think he’d even have the guts to go to the willow, let alone get inside the tunnel. What was I supposed to do, Remus? He kept calling you a... a monster saying he knew the truth and he couldn’t wait to tell everyone about you as soon as he got the proof. You know me. You know how I get, especially over you, and I just spit it out. I told Snivellus if he fucking wanted proof, he could... well, I don’t have to say it over and over because you already know how badly I fucked things up.
Remus, I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I wanted to tell you in person but James said that you didn’t want to see me. Did you really say that? In fact, that’s about the only thing he’s said to me in a couple of days. I can’t stand how he looks at me now... like he’s disappointed and... and disgusted. But what the fuck am I complaining about? He should be. I’m such a fucking idiot, Remus. You have to realise that I would never do anything like this intentionally. I mean, I didn’t think. I never fucking think, do I? I was just so angry. It’s not a good excuse, I know, but it’s the only one I’ve got.
I really don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry, and that seems so incredibly insufficient. I know you’re probably upset with me beyond words, and James and Peter don’t even want to look at me, but if there is anything I can make you - all three of you - understand is how none of you can be even half as disappointed in me as I am in myself. I fuck things up. I constantly and consistently fuck things up, and this is the one thing I was hoping I’d finally broken that streak with. You and I, that is. I never wanted to do anything to hurt you, Remus, but that’s exactly what I’ve done, isn’t it? I know you, and I know how you think, so you’re probably thinking I just used you as a pawn in another prank but... that really wasn’t how it was. In my own unthinking, stupid way, I thought I was defending you.
I don’t know. This all looks even more stupid on paper than it sounded in my head. I just don’t know what to say. I know how I feel, and how I wish I could go back and fix this but I can’t seem to put it into words in a way that makes a shred of sense. I guess that’s why I wanted to see you. I thought maybe if you just could see... but you don’t want to. It’s okay. I understand, I really do. But it still hurts. Anyway, Dumbledore talked to me last night and, as you can imagine, he’s disappointed in me as well. He wants me to write a letter of apology to you, your parents, Snivelape, and his parents. (This, by the way, isn’t that particular apology. He wants to see it and approve it first, and, well, I’d rather he didn’t see this letter.) And then he’s lined up a whole slew of punishments just short of sending me to Azkaban, which I rather suspect he’d prefer. But he’s not telling my parents. I’m sure it’s because he knows the hell they’d raise over Hogwarts letting a werewolf you in. They’d pull me out, for sure. I really don’t know why Dumbledore isn’t kicking me out, come to think of it. I certainly deserve...
Sorry, I’m rambling on about the way this is affecting me. See? I can’t even be unselfish in my attempt at an apology. I guess I’ll just get right down to the point, finally. I know that there is a really good chance that you hate me right now... and that... that this is the end of, you know, us. If it is, Remus, then I can’t blame you because I betrayed you in the worst possible way. But I just want you to know that I do love you. I love you so much, even though it might not seem like it. I’ll never forgive myself for this, and I’ll spend forever trying to make it up to you... if you ever decide to let me try. I don’t know how much my saying any of that even means to you. But I just wanted you to know.
Eternally sorry,
Sirius
p.s. I am so, so, so, so sorry.
p.p.s. I love you. Please say you still love me.