Big Fat Epiphony
My Big Fat Epiphony. That's what I'm calling it. Because it's so big and daaaangerous.
There are few parts to my Big Fat Epiphony. I will preface this by saying I don't care if it makes no sense to you. I really don't care at all.
1.) I am more self concious and insecure about my looks at 26 than I was at 16 because at 26 I'm in an environment which surrounds me with other people who are also self concious and insecure, in situations that make a person bring out their insecurities and self conciousness. At 16 I was not surrounded by this, even though you would typically think I would have been, being 16 and in high school. But my high school was not your normal high school and though there were what you would call "cliques" there was no elite segregation and everyone knew everyone and was cool with everyone (minus your few outcasts...but even they stuck together so they were like the one giant outcast group who still didn't get treated like outcasts other than they didn't eat lunch in the auditorium and would each lunch in the hallway.) So none of us in my school were self concious or insecure with their looks b/c noone else was...b/c everyone was fine with how they looked and how everyone else looked. At 26 I realize, that since I've moved to Florida I've become increasingly more and more self concious and insecure about my looks b/c well I don't know the exact reason I just know that I am WAY MORE surrounded by the insecurities about physical beauty in every crevice of my life since living in Orlando. Thus, why, since I've moved here, my insecurities have shot through the roof.
2.) I would rather be by myself and physically alone, than to sit in a room full of people and be treated like I don't exist. So this does not make me a bitch when I choose to do things by myself. I kick my own ass all the time, thinking that I'm such a bitch b/c I would rather be by myself. but that's not bitchy. It's really not. Why sit around a bunch of people who are going on about their own things if it does not involve you? Why not go do what you want to do that is all about you, even if that means that you are by yourself. Thus why I claim it cannot be bitchy to do things by yourself instead of surrounding yourself in a situation where noone could care less if you are there.
3.) I don't need to feel bad about myself and feel like i'm a bitch b/c I like to keep to myself. In fact, constant bitching is not becoming of the soul. Bitching just to bitch is only filling space with negativity. I've let myself feel bad in the past b/c I keep things to myself. It's like I felt I was obligated to bitch and complain about something just b/c that's what everyone else does and I was thinking of it as the way we shared things with each other. but that's not sharing anything. you're not opening up to me b/c your pissed about the guy who cut you off when you were driving home and i'm not opening up to you b/c i just bitched about how noone can do their job where i work. I stopped really bitching about small shit like that and I felt like I was a bad person who was holding stuff back. But I've realized I'm not holding anything back...I'm just not bothering with the shit that doesn't matter.
4.) Number 3 also had led me to realize that I have been reverting back to the attitude I had toward life when I was 16 and that was "who fucking cares! I don't care!" The past few years I've been caring too much about shit and actually putting too much time and energy into things that don't matter. I like the who fucking cares attitude! I love it and it makes me realize that WHO DOES FUCKING CARE??!! NOONE CARES AND IT'S FUCKING FANTASTIC!!!!! I shouldn't be putting so much energy into the small shit. Pick and choose your battles. At the end of your life you'll look back and be glad that you didn't waste so much time being pissed off about something trivial.
5.) Last but certainly not least, I realized that these things are the way I've been feeling for quite a while now and I THOUGHT I didn't know how to say it...but what the problem really was, I was afraid if I said any of it my friends would think I'm a cold heartless bitch who doesn't care about anything and so they would eventually all turn against me and i would have no friends. But in that I realized, I don't care if anyone wants to stop being my friend b/c of everything I just said. I don't care if your opinion of me will change. I don't care if someone doesn't want to be as close to me as they were b/c of everything I just said. It's honestly how I feel and how I have felt for a long time. Too long actually and to be able to finally REALIZE and piece together all of this, has really helped make sense of a bunch of shit to me.