No I am not in a bad mood
Ok. So I need to preface some things for anyone who actually clicks on the cut below and reads what I said.
1.) I mostly did this for me. Writing stuff out like this is my own version of therapy. When I'm feeling so much of ANYTHING, I always write it down. I don't always share it on my livejournal...but I always write it down, whether it's in a journal at home, or in an email to myself. Anyway, it's like a temporary sanity fix, where I can get it all out, and then for a little while afterward, feel a billion times better. I want to post it in my livejournal so I can look back on it someday.
2.) I also want to emphasize that this is me NOT in a bad mood, i'm not having a bad day, I'm not pity-partying for myself, I'm not feeling any of this as a result of any specific event (other than my life).
I can't exactly pinpoint when and why I started to feel this way. For going on nine months, I feel like something is missing, a big something is missing. I don't know what it is though and that frustrates me. I wish I could disappear for a little while and just not exist. Feel what it's like to not have to function every single day and interact with anyone. I just want to be left alone because it hurts me more to have to be around a lot of people and feel alone than to physically be all alone. It's not that I don't think anyone cares, I just don't think I matter…and there is a difference between the two. Some might ask me "why would you say something like that. You do matter."
but I don't.
Someone might try to tell me they know exactly what I mean because they feel the same way, yet why is it that I can give them reason upon reason in their life of how they matter and they can't do the same for me? That is because I do not matter, thus why they can't tell me reasons that I do. I would be lying if I said I didn't care and that I didn't hurt because of this, but I'm to the point now where I'm becoming really numb to the whole thing. The majority of my life I have felt this way. I fooled myself into thinking it could be better for a little while after I had moved here. Shame on me for believing such a lie. I have wasted the short time I have been alive, and managed to accomplish nothing but feeling worthless and alone.
1.) I mostly did this for me. Writing stuff out like this is my own version of therapy. When I'm feeling so much of ANYTHING, I always write it down. I don't always share it on my livejournal...but I always write it down, whether it's in a journal at home, or in an email to myself. Anyway, it's like a temporary sanity fix, where I can get it all out, and then for a little while afterward, feel a billion times better. I want to post it in my livejournal so I can look back on it someday.
2.) I also want to emphasize that this is me NOT in a bad mood, i'm not having a bad day, I'm not pity-partying for myself, I'm not feeling any of this as a result of any specific event (other than my life).
I can't exactly pinpoint when and why I started to feel this way. For going on nine months, I feel like something is missing, a big something is missing. I don't know what it is though and that frustrates me. I wish I could disappear for a little while and just not exist. Feel what it's like to not have to function every single day and interact with anyone. I just want to be left alone because it hurts me more to have to be around a lot of people and feel alone than to physically be all alone. It's not that I don't think anyone cares, I just don't think I matter…and there is a difference between the two. Some might ask me "why would you say something like that. You do matter."
but I don't.
Someone might try to tell me they know exactly what I mean because they feel the same way, yet why is it that I can give them reason upon reason in their life of how they matter and they can't do the same for me? That is because I do not matter, thus why they can't tell me reasons that I do. I would be lying if I said I didn't care and that I didn't hurt because of this, but I'm to the point now where I'm becoming really numb to the whole thing. The majority of my life I have felt this way. I fooled myself into thinking it could be better for a little while after I had moved here. Shame on me for believing such a lie. I have wasted the short time I have been alive, and managed to accomplish nothing but feeling worthless and alone.