blah blah blah i just don't care anymore
I seriously have felt completely worthless lately. There are TOO many reasons to even start listing, and honestly if I said some of the things on my mind, the response...or lack thereof....from people would just make me feel shittier. And I honestly don't know what would be worse...the things people would say to me to try to make me feel better or the fact that they wouldn't even bother or care or even notice. not that you know, anyone really cares. i put a lot of thought into me dying yesterday, and realized "holy shit if i died really it would not impact anyone's life." initially people would be sad, i am not saying that if i were to die today that people would say "oh well." but honestly after a month or two, life would move on and i would maybe be remembered at holidays or some shit like that. noone would really miss me since i exist now and am basically treated like i dont exist. and that really put into perspective how worthless i am and how i have no purpose. not that i'm going to die anytime soon, because I truly do feel as though i'm stuck in this life to be tortured. Every single day I realize more and more, by things all around me, that I don't matter. Noone understands me. You can say that you do, but you don't. You can say that you care but you don't really care. You can say "oh Nicole I love you" but do you really? think about it.