so afraid to do it alone...
so the last two days have been a real reality check for me. a lot of things i thought would never change are coming back around to surprise me. i think that statement can be directed to numerous situations.
school started back yesterday. i have some killer classes and a ton of homework every night [biology, spanish 2, geometry, drama--but no homework, of course]. i've had to exercise a lot of "virtues". patience is definitely one of them. i've also had to exercise some self control, because lord knows i could go off on some people. i've also had to been pretty responsible, considering that i'm still getting back into the groove of things, and i really have to work hard this year to keep my grades up with the classes i'm taking. so overall, i've only been going to school for two days this year and i've already learned more than i ever thought i'd need to know.
sometimes i think i'll feel the same way forever. i did, in fact, feel the same for over a year, but then things happened, and feelings i thought would never die slowly slipped away. now, i'm faced with even more issues. i could be the typical teenage drama queen and cry about how the guy i like doesn't like me back, but i don't blame him. what i don't understand is why there is so much confusion, and why feelings can't just be expressed, no matter what they are. so here i was yesterday, sitting in first block, and all of these crazy ideas came into my head. i started feeling things i've never felt before towards someone that wasn't my original interest. i swore this would never be an option, but now i'm questioning myself. why do i reject things when they're handed to me on a silver platter, but then turn around and want them when they seem to have moved on? why is it that i always want what i can't have? if things worked out, would i get annoyed because i was cared about and screw up again? does the catagory "talking about your feelings with your stupid first-day-of-school crush" fall under being more open?
other things have happened that really shock me. i feel like some of my friend situations are going downhill. of course, it's definitely something that i don't want to happen, but i just don't know why people have a problem with me...or am i, myself, the one with the problem? sure, i know how i can be, but why is this coming up all of a sudden? why does the supposed "pms" last for two weeks? maybe people should look a little deeper and realize that it's not always rainbows and sunshine, and that people have feelings that need to be considered. when your mouth is moving and your toungue, teeth, and lips are working together, SOUND IS COMING OUT. please, please, please, THINK before you say things.
this year is going to be so different than last year. last year was fun times, cheating on tests, staying out every weekend, sleepovers on school nights, wearing capris under my skirts, drinking milkshakes after school everyday, being a band nerd, making lyric pages and collages for everyone, driving mrs. dillard crazy by asking to leave first block everyday, meeting jake in the commons area before english just to talk, making new friends and getting closer with those i already had, shaving my legs every other day, going to bed at ten o'clock, battles at the studio, being a complete dork and just not caring, listening to music and writing lyrics all over everything, making presents and putting them in cars, thinking that dating a freshman was a sin, being convinced tori amos was the greatest woman to walk the earth [next to my mom], eating fruit in spanish, not eating for days at a time because i thought i had to be skinny to be perfect, sitting at a little table at lunch with megan and tj, buying a chocolate rice krispy and having contests to see how many marshmallows you could get, freaking out of soup day, skipping band to stay in mom's room, being the reason my entire physical science class passed, going to school in sweats and no makeup and still being told i was beautiful, being shy at first and then really loud and outgoing once you get to know me, going to shows, spending late nights at the theater, waking up late every morning, being tardy to mrs. dillard's class everyday, thinking that i lived for that time between first block and second block first semester and then making drama second semester my modivation to stay at school all day, riding in trashcans to the dumpster with parker or some other lucky male that got to accompany me, going to eat mexican after school almost every day, being stuck on the same person, thinking that things couldn't possibly get any better.....so not all of those are good, but with the good comes the bad and everything works out. i don't understand how this year can be anything in comparison with last year. i would give anything to go back one year from today and do the things i did and feel the way i felt and see things the way i saw them then...i miss it so much.
i suppose i should think positive. "this year is what i make it". we're not off to a good start. i hope i make it through. i'm getting off my soap box now. after i made the corny comments about thinking before speaking, people started throwing rotten veggies and i suffered through them for the last little spill there. i need some sleep. thank you to those that were there to talk to me tonight. i love you all.
"Drops of Jupiter"
Train
"Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance, five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had...and me?
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way"
school started back yesterday. i have some killer classes and a ton of homework every night [biology, spanish 2, geometry, drama--but no homework, of course]. i've had to exercise a lot of "virtues". patience is definitely one of them. i've also had to exercise some self control, because lord knows i could go off on some people. i've also had to been pretty responsible, considering that i'm still getting back into the groove of things, and i really have to work hard this year to keep my grades up with the classes i'm taking. so overall, i've only been going to school for two days this year and i've already learned more than i ever thought i'd need to know.
sometimes i think i'll feel the same way forever. i did, in fact, feel the same for over a year, but then things happened, and feelings i thought would never die slowly slipped away. now, i'm faced with even more issues. i could be the typical teenage drama queen and cry about how the guy i like doesn't like me back, but i don't blame him. what i don't understand is why there is so much confusion, and why feelings can't just be expressed, no matter what they are. so here i was yesterday, sitting in first block, and all of these crazy ideas came into my head. i started feeling things i've never felt before towards someone that wasn't my original interest. i swore this would never be an option, but now i'm questioning myself. why do i reject things when they're handed to me on a silver platter, but then turn around and want them when they seem to have moved on? why is it that i always want what i can't have? if things worked out, would i get annoyed because i was cared about and screw up again? does the catagory "talking about your feelings with your stupid first-day-of-school crush" fall under being more open?
other things have happened that really shock me. i feel like some of my friend situations are going downhill. of course, it's definitely something that i don't want to happen, but i just don't know why people have a problem with me...or am i, myself, the one with the problem? sure, i know how i can be, but why is this coming up all of a sudden? why does the supposed "pms" last for two weeks? maybe people should look a little deeper and realize that it's not always rainbows and sunshine, and that people have feelings that need to be considered. when your mouth is moving and your toungue, teeth, and lips are working together, SOUND IS COMING OUT. please, please, please, THINK before you say things.
this year is going to be so different than last year. last year was fun times, cheating on tests, staying out every weekend, sleepovers on school nights, wearing capris under my skirts, drinking milkshakes after school everyday, being a band nerd, making lyric pages and collages for everyone, driving mrs. dillard crazy by asking to leave first block everyday, meeting jake in the commons area before english just to talk, making new friends and getting closer with those i already had, shaving my legs every other day, going to bed at ten o'clock, battles at the studio, being a complete dork and just not caring, listening to music and writing lyrics all over everything, making presents and putting them in cars, thinking that dating a freshman was a sin, being convinced tori amos was the greatest woman to walk the earth [next to my mom], eating fruit in spanish, not eating for days at a time because i thought i had to be skinny to be perfect, sitting at a little table at lunch with megan and tj, buying a chocolate rice krispy and having contests to see how many marshmallows you could get, freaking out of soup day, skipping band to stay in mom's room, being the reason my entire physical science class passed, going to school in sweats and no makeup and still being told i was beautiful, being shy at first and then really loud and outgoing once you get to know me, going to shows, spending late nights at the theater, waking up late every morning, being tardy to mrs. dillard's class everyday, thinking that i lived for that time between first block and second block first semester and then making drama second semester my modivation to stay at school all day, riding in trashcans to the dumpster with parker or some other lucky male that got to accompany me, going to eat mexican after school almost every day, being stuck on the same person, thinking that things couldn't possibly get any better.....so not all of those are good, but with the good comes the bad and everything works out. i don't understand how this year can be anything in comparison with last year. i would give anything to go back one year from today and do the things i did and feel the way i felt and see things the way i saw them then...i miss it so much.
i suppose i should think positive. "this year is what i make it". we're not off to a good start. i hope i make it through. i'm getting off my soap box now. after i made the corny comments about thinking before speaking, people started throwing rotten veggies and i suffered through them for the last little spill there. i need some sleep. thank you to those that were there to talk to me tonight. i love you all.
"Drops of Jupiter"
Train
"Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey, hey
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance, five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had...and me?
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way"