Lust for a reason to blame myself.
"Today is June 1st, 2013 and the last time I logged in or looked at this blog was two years ago. The strange thing is that I was in the same situation I was then as I now am. So many new experiences and life changing events that it seems almost impossible to recount them all. However, I have the same feeling of a broken heart and what I called "a pocket full of regrets." I don't know why I am even posting this because it is for my eyes only and I probably won't look at this for another few years if it even exists by then. Maybe I keep it around just to remind myself about how little can change over such a long period of time, despite it feeling like an eternity. Perhaps it is good to keep it around to let myself know that what once healed my heart ended up fracturing it once more, and I need to let her go just as I did in the past. These situations, though different, end up being strangely familiar in the end as both have the feeling that I let myself down when looking back. I suppose that it all can be fabricated from my self-hatred and lust for a reason to blame myself, but I don't think that I will ever be able to confidently admit that.
So, I'll keep this around as a time capsule. Waiting until the next time I need to read my words I felt were so clever at one point in my life, only to read them at a later period thinking that they aren't what I felt them to be. Maybe this time I will have said something striking that really made sense in the grand scheme of my life. Something that will allow me to breath fresh air into my lungs, and move on knowing that this happened once before and look, I'm still alive.
Only time will tell......."
///////////////////////////////////
Nearly two years later, and the words don't seem any more luminous.
Although, I do rather like that line and think it suits the present now more than ever.
I guess I'll tuck it away for another couple years for when I turn 30.
It would seem like a fitting time to remember that I was once clever.
So, I'll keep this around as a time capsule. Waiting until the next time I need to read my words I felt were so clever at one point in my life, only to read them at a later period thinking that they aren't what I felt them to be. Maybe this time I will have said something striking that really made sense in the grand scheme of my life. Something that will allow me to breath fresh air into my lungs, and move on knowing that this happened once before and look, I'm still alive.
Only time will tell......."
///////////////////////////////////
Nearly two years later, and the words don't seem any more luminous.
Although, I do rather like that line and think it suits the present now more than ever.
I guess I'll tuck it away for another couple years for when I turn 30.
It would seem like a fitting time to remember that I was once clever.